im very aware of these feelings, but when they get out of control, it's hard not to believe them, or simply wonder if they really are true. So, when I get paranoid, a lot of feelings occur. Sadness, anxiety, fear, anger...but a very specific feeling always occurs during these situations. I feel like I'm being watched. I feel like I'm being watched by other people I know, by myself, by people I don't really know of. For example, I sometimes wonder if cameras in the house, or something like that, is keeping a tab on what I do. I've gotten this idea, because my mom always seems to know when I've done something that she wouldn't approve of, like If I stay up really late on my computer. As silly as it might sound, it's just odd that she knows things like this without any information telling her this. I think I've already made a thread before about feeling like an outsider looking in at times, so I'll move on...Sometimes, when I wish certain people or things would just leave, I get this idea that I've made it all up in my head. And then that idea continues to the thought of nothing actually existing, and I'm just some sort of lab-rat, being watched to figure out...something. Often times, during these kinds of "episodes", I get very attention-seeking. It's hard to explain, but I feel like an extremely narcissistic person with low-self esteem...Like, I really want attention, and I want to be talked to and told certain things, but I'm scared to actually get that attention, perhaps out of fear of being rejected? Anyway...writing this all down and rereading it, it all sounds pretty screwed up. :icon_redf
Sounds like an existential crisis? Meaning you're questioning your existence and place/purpose of the universe. I go through this at times, it can be very stressful. The camera thing I also understand. Technology has gotten to be so sophisticated it feels like 'big brother is watching us' at all time (reference to 1984 by George Orwell). Moms have a way of knowing everything, I never understood why. I am 24 and live at home while going to school and my mother knows exactly what time I shut my computer off every night. EVERY NIGHT. I think when we go through existential crises we feel lonely and want to know if anyone is out there. We need people to remind us we are real, we are happening. We need to connect with other people and we do need help from others. I might recommend you talk to your school counselor (I see you are 14). They might know a little bit more about this than I do, and maybe have some resources to help you.
Thanks I love 1984, by the way x) I guess parents just know their kids??? I've been thinking of going back to my therapist; I'm glad ive gotten some assurance on that idea... Thanks for responding (*hug*)
