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I hate myself

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by DontMatter55, Feb 15, 2015.

  1. DontMatter55

    DontMatter55 Guest

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    I hate myself and everything about me...I'm gay and yet gay thoughts disgust me...whenever they come up I try to shove them to the back of my mind...I never asked for any of this, why did fate choose me out of all people to live this awful life? Why did I have to be different, the black sheep, the one misunderstood by society? Why wasn't I born straight and normal like my siblings? I'm really thinking about ending it since I'm 21 and keep having these sexual urges, which I know I'll never be able to fulfill because I hate myself too much. I wouldn't be able to kiss another man without feeling remorse, ashamed of myself, utterly repulsed by my action. It's how I was brought up and how I think, as well.

    What if men and women really ARE supposed to be together, and I'm just a mutant? A malformation? Something to be thrown in the trash?
     
  2. littlesami

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    Hey buddy don't say that.
    There are days when you just ask this to yourself, why me, what did i do? But what you need to understand is that it's not a bad thing. You'll get it eventually, especially if you come here. Okay, your life is going to be a little bit more complicated that if you were straight, but it doesn't mean you're going to have a horrible life either. You are human, you are a person, and what is happening to you is not a bad thing. It's all you need to know. You'll meet people, people like you or people accepting you and soon you'll accept yourself too. It is all a question of time.
    And if people have been telling you that it is wrong, to be gay, well they are the wrong ones. Nobody has the right to tell you what's wrong and what's right in your life.
    Just be that hard on yourself, all you need to do is accept, okay?
     
  3. HelloSweetie

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    That sounds like internalised homophobia to me. I know how you feel, it can be hard to come to terms like your sexuality, especially if you were brought up to see same sex relationships as wrong (sinful in my case). Pushing down your feelings won't help you, repression isn't healthy. As you come to accept yourself those feelings will reduce. But perhaps you will need some help to get there, have you considered seeing a councilor? They could help you with the way you feel about yourself and help you to be more kind and forgiving towards yourself.
    You are not a mutant or a malformation you are not something to be thrown in the trash. You are a precious human being and you deserve to be happy and feel comfortable in your own skin.
    Hearing you mentioning 'ending it' is very worrying, please talk to someone you trust about feeling that way, even if you don't feel able to come out to them.
    (*hug*) feel better xx
     
  4. Michael

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    Why are you so hard on yourself? What is the reason for your behaviour? Don't blame this exclusively on others, you are playing your part too.

    You've got two options : You go on hating yourself, or you stop hating yourself.

    If you go on, there will be more pain and suffering. If you stop... There will be quite a few surprises in your life, trust me...

    I don't hate you, and there is lots of heteros out there who won't hate you. Not everyone is an intolerant biggot. You were born in this century : It's not perfect, but at least it's less imperfect than if you had been born in the middle ages. Think about it.

    Women and men are meant to be with each other? Who told you that? Haven' you heard all those divorce stories, or domestic violence, rape...? Even happy couples have their fights. It's not about women and men, it's about upbringing and personalities.

    In my experience, men and women usually can't understand each other, they are doomed to fights about hundreds of issues.

    Don't be hard on yourself : You won't help anyone.

    Stay with us for a while, browse around, let it all out. It's the only way.

    I don't hate you, and I'm sure your parents and siblings would be very sorry if you weren't there. I've seen what a death can make to a family, 'cause my partner died. If you have some love for your family, please don't do that to them.
     
  5. GreyIce1

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    I suggest you seek professional help for major depression. It's a chemical unbalance that can effect everything you do and think of. Perhaps it will help with your issues.
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    Even though there is a lot of good research to support the idea that people are born gay, there is no research that I know of to say that we are born with feelings of self loathing towards our sexuality. When we arrive in this world we are a blank page and any hatred of homosexuality that develops during our lifetime is a result of external influences, like upbringing and societal attitudes -- things that you have taken on board. You are certainly not pre-destined to have this overwhelmingly negative view and opinion of yourself or your sexual orientation.

    All of the words, phrases and feelings you used are damaging and self defeating and you've charactersied yourself in a way that opens up a festering wound. Just consider some of them again... black sheep, ashamed, repulsive, remorse, mutant, malfunction, trash . There is nothing good in those words and phrases and taking them so deeply onboard is utterly devastating to you. We easily underestimate the power of language over our feelings and the power of those words rests in negativity, rather than positivity. In focusing on those words and feelings you've set yourself on a path of decline, but it can be changed -- absolutely, it can.

    You asked:
    There is nothing that is credible to dictate that men and women absolutely must be together. So what if this statement is wrong and what if you you went ahead and ended it all on that basis? How would that be? What would that mean for you and others?

    Other posters have touched on the wider issues and offered good suggestions that you would do well to consider. I hope you will.

    You do not have to go through this alone. If you need people to talk to and turn to we are here for you.
     
    #6 PatrickUK, Feb 16, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2015