I cant physically handle this anymore. Everything that has happened to me recently... I am a nervous wreck. I cringe from my feet to my head but there isnt anything i can do. I have been struggling with depression for a few years now. It makes me feel llw all the time, but chuck that in with low self esteem and OCD and you get a terrible pile of issues. Probably best to let me explain. I recently explored my gay attractions with a friend of myne. He saod he didnt care that I "touched" him, but it still bothered me afterwards. I felt like i degraded myself and it really got on my mind a lot. It still bothers me, and I dont know why he was so chill with it. Weve been friends for 15 years. Hes been there for me through everything. I am not attracted to my friend in any way, and I dont know how it came up, but he told me he thinks hes bi. Some awkward conversation later and I ended up touching his lower regions... With ny mouth. I hate myself for it, but i was curious. I just regret everything. Just today, i was working as a cashier and there was a cop in the store because we have been having burglary problems. I had a customer today who tried to steal something. He begged me to let him go, but as soon as i looked up at the cop *who wasnt paying attention* he immediately said hed pay. He reached into his coat to get his waller, but i didnt kniw what he had in there. My heart rate shot throigh the roof, i didnt know what may have happened. He paid, and left. But it still bothers me and I dont know why. This is my last straw... A lot of daily stress, coupled with extreme anxiety about everything, and thr big weight in my shoulders that I DONT ACCEPT MYSELF FOR BEING GAY... No matter how much I pray, and tell myself its okay, no matter how much I look in the mirror and say I will be ok, no matter how many times my college religion major friend tells me everything will be okay, i still feel bad. I have told my parents 3 times and each time, its a deflected response. They say they would deal with it if it ever happened, but they still use things like "when you have a wife and kids", or "your future wife would..." etc. Im still closeted, and i really dont think my body can take this stress. I am literappy about to explode, and I just cant do this anymore.:tears: i have mountains of guilt building up from past mistakes and regrets and bad decisions. I dont sleep anymore, not the right way. I cry myself to sleep, and wake up in sweats and screams all the time. I dream of dieing, or being injured, watching people i care about get hurt or other things. My mind is snapping, and I just dont know what to do anymore. I have a number and location for a therapist recomended by my docotor *who has no idea im gay*. I will be giving her a call. I just wanted some rather immediate advice from my good friends here befire I jump out a window or somethinf... -_-. :bang::help:
Hey, take a deep breath. Breathe in, hold for two seconds, breathe out. Do this a couple of times, drawing air into your lungs, each time taking in as much air as possible. You can get through this. (*hug*) I'm not a therapist, but maybe you're rushing this? Don't rush into doing anything sexual if you aren't comfortable with it. Maybe you thought you were ready, and your friend was willing, but maybe your subconscious wasn't. It's all right to be concerned about that person who tried to shoplift. Just remember that that is in your past, and you can't do anything to change it. Tell the therapist exactly what you typed here, and see what goes on afterwards.
Thing is, I dont like my friend at all. I stopped because there was no feeling for me, anywhere. I didnt care to be doing it for him. I regret doing it, like i have degraded myself or made myself lesser for experimenting...
But why do you think you have degraded yourself arkangel? Why do you see yourself in a lesser way for experimenting? In reality, you haven't at all, but you think you have. You are very stressed about something that many thousands of people do with hardly a second thought. So this is probably far more about your perception of self and the standards you are setting. The only line you actually crossed is the one you have created. Have a think about it and tell me if I am wrong.
Well, my line of self has always been an impossible standard I cant possibly achieve. Perfection isnt acheivable, but thats how i was raised. I need to always, ALWAYS give all of my energy and be the best of the best in what I do. I was conditioned that way, and my own line stands at the fact that i did something I should have waited to do until I was in a relationship with someone I care about romantically. "Don't do anything youd be ashamed to tell your parents about". I heard that a lot. It sank in. Now its biting me in the rear. But like i also said, its a lot of other things combined. Especially the attempted robbery. Its got my nerves real rattled... *also, have a think on it. Thats a new one. I like it.*
Is this something you could work on arkangel? Is it something you could look at turning around? It is possible. It's okay to want to achieve, it's okay to strive for the best outcomes in life and to set yourself personal goals and standards - it's commendable, in fact, but if you're setting the bar so high and aiming for perfection and a virtuous existence with zero room for error, you are setting yourself up for a big fall and all of the distress that goes with it. I know there are other issues playing away in the background, but this is something that you can do something about to make things a little better for you. It will take some effort and a shift in your mindset, but I'm sure it's achievable for you and it needn't mean reducing your expectations too much. Even terms like the "last straw" can have a devastating impact on your emotional wellbeing. It's a term loaded with negativity, isn't it? If you say it and believe it enough you can actually take yourself to a place where it becomes reality. I'd rather not see you in such a dark place. You've put a lot of effort into talking and sharing your feelings over the last few weeks and that's a positive thing. I hope you'll keep at it as people do care.
Hi there, I too have moderate (and at times, severe) anxiety issues, depression and OCD, so I know it is really rough and is a constant struggle. Best thing is to find a therapist who is indeed experienced with gay related topics and clients (go to psychologytoday.com and search, you can specify for a therapist who specially deals with gay clients). I think this would be a great first step for you in the journey to feeling better.
I feel like a lot of the things you are saying sound like things I can imagine being said in a religious community about women, simply ported over to gay men. Yet, I'm sure that you know that a woman wouldn't be "despoiled" or of lesser moral worth because she gave her friend a BJ. Well, it's the same thing for you. Whatever kind of touching was going on down there, you're not less of a person for it. Rather, if you learned something about yourself or about how to please your partner, you are more of a person for that experience.
Yes it says more about your personal sense of 'shame' whereas it was quite a OK thing to have done if you both consented at the time. He doesn't seem so bothered as you are??? Because of your tendency to ruminate over past events .. (if only .. what ifs etc ) … I reckon you do have some anxiety and depression issues which you can get some help with. So long as you realise your mind is over-amplifying matters to an extreme you may get some comfort out of just realising that?
To address the shame about your sexual activity, it sounds like you place value on only engaging in sexual contact that occurs within a romantic relationship (based on what I've read throughout the thread); to understand your shame, examine why you view yourself as "degraded" for your activity...why specifically was it wrong? People have all sorts of sexual ethics ranging from "all sex is good as long as it's consenual and safe" to "I won't have sex until I am in a committed relationship or marriage." So you need to explore your sexual values and the reasons you have them. If you're going to feel bad for an action, you need to at least know why and where that feeling is coming from so you can make a proactive decision in the future to either respect that boundary or decide that value did not really have a basis in your life and change it. For now, you should understand two important things: 1). your friend was not "bothered" by the friendship, so your friendship is still intact. 2). you are in control of your future actions and you can choose not to engage in the sexual activity with your friend if you're not comfortable.
arkangel, clearly you know you are hard on yourself because of your "impossible standard," which is really hard because it leaves you vulnerable all the time to not succeeding, through no fault of your own. You have done nothing wrong; you have to hurt anybody, or roved yourself on anybody. As others before me have said, people your age experiment sexually all the time. The feeling of being degraded derives from adopting society's harsh negative judgment about non heterosexual behavior. Your are lonely, stressed, confused and possibly without support in your life. Your thoughts are intense and they reverberate around your mind over and over without the benefit of sharing them and testing them out for realistic evaluations of your situations. Going to a therapist, if it's someone who can be gay affirmative is a good idea. And, you are not responsible for possibly mishandling a burglary situation; I'm sure most people would freeze up and not know what to do; afterwards the thoughts come but you're just not fair to yourself. ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2015 at 06:24 PM ---------- hey, be your own best friend. ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2015 at 06:29 PM ---------- sorry for my typos; I meant to say "You have done nothing wrong; you have not hurt anybody or forced yourself on anybody."
Why is there such a big stigma on suicide. Is there something wrong with wanting everything to be done and to get out so badly that there is no other way out? Well yes, there is. I know that, i just... I need a vacation from my own brain...
It's not just about the stigma. The problem is that suicide is irreversible and also, think about your relatives and family. They will probably suffer all their life for what happened. If you'd like to be happy and fulfilled and calm, there is a lot of options and suicide in not one of them The problem is that "there is no way out" is a very subjective thing. Depending usually on perception not reality In reality there is almost always a way out but sometimes we need distance and/or support to see that way. You know how sometimes people go to swim in the sea, when there are waves and one of them covers the swimmer in a way that he or she has salty water in the nose, eyes and mouth and starts panicking. People sometimes can almost drown in water that is just under their knees deep. Why? Because they panic, they feel overwhelmed, because they BELIEVE that they are drowning that there is NO WAY OUT. If they just stood up. They would see, they're not in danger and can calmly walk away to the beach. Now if you are still young, healthy, you have all your life before you. Maybe you had this unfortunate combination of events and felt overwhelmed . Just like this wave in the example. But there is a way out. Surely a gay positive therapist would do you some good work, but also try simpler things. First try to sleep well it always helps to fight with destructive thoughts and that maybe a good trip somewhere in nature would allow you to find harmony and look on your life from a healthy distance? Good luck!
Random thought.. When I get like this I like to take a few days trip somewhere. Just to unplug. Be with myself .. Collect my thoughts Or go and visit someone you havent seen for a while.. For a long week end I know it doesn't hrll the specific issues but you come back a bit changed refreshed and a few things more sorted in your head
