I am absolutely done - can't take any more.

Recently I have just become flat-out sick and fucking tired of it all. I'm lost in a hole, and I want out. I'm constantly going like :bang: :tantrum::***:. But the thing is, I'm not really sure what to do. So can somebody give me some advice?

When I was younger, I was kind of headstrong. I did some stupid stuff and let what my friends (or even just people I was around and didn't even like) get to my head. I lost my parents trust, and it just went downhill from there.

The original cause that I can think of is me digging in their drawer and stashing their stuff behind my books. That was something I did out of jealousy for what other kids had, and is something that I would never do now; but my parents don't see it that way. I am seventeen now, and they still see me as though I were ten. It may not sound like that long a time, but to me it's forever away.

Since then, they've essentially demanded that I be perfect (or at least be their idea of who I should be). That is something that I cannot do: I am me. I have lived a lie long enough, and I cannot continue to do so.

After a while we got stuck in a vicious cycle. I would do something stupid that would make them mad that would make them decide to trust me less that would make them take stuff away from me that would make me mad that would make them mad... and so on forever. Occasionally, it would get better for a few days - then would quickly turn to shit again. And every time that happened, it was like a cosmic slap in the face.

This drove me to the point of living a lie. I showed a flat, semi-compliant attitude to my parents. I was a cold machine around them. Meanwhile at school I was more... me. But at the same time, I was developing depression and getting darker and sadder all the while.

In seventh grade I met a friend. This was around the time I was discovering sexuality (and began subconsciously questioning my gender identity). I shied away from feminine or gay things (fearing social ostracism), but was attracted to them. Like my friend.

One day we went to a forest behind the school since Art Club let out early. We played a game of Truth or Dare. It got pretty sexual. (About the only thing we made no attempt to do was kiss. I still regret that to this day.) But when I got home, that fucked with my head pretty bad. There I was, a "straight guy", going all those things with another guy.

In that school, homophobia was rampant.

Shortly after that, I moved to the East Coast. Down south, near Savannah, GA. I missed my friend, but put him (and the things we did) out of my mind. For a while. Then I moved again, to a spot in SC that's pretty near the ocean. That's when everything kicked into high gear.

My depression worsened. I had more conflicting feelings about my sexuality. (I decided I was bi. Wrong, but close. Ironically enough, my friend came out to me as gay over a Messenger conversation. And he liked me.
:jawdrop:
This crazy life we all lead.) Meanwhile, I was discovering my gender identity. It started with small urges and fantasies, then as I entertained them, I discovered a whole new side to myself that I didn't even recognize existed. (It was hidden in plain sight all the while. Amazing.)

While all this was going on, my brain was turning to mush. I was having more trouble thinking, my memory was getting worse, and I was going nuts.My grades, once good enough to get me listed as the top "male" student, began falling. My situation at home became more tense and unbearable by the day. I began losing interest in things I once loved. I lost almost all of my motivation.

I began to lose it. I had to get out of this cycle, but I kept failing. Finally, I went suicidal. After being banned from everything imaginable, I got banned from yet another thing. I had been through lots of stress in the previous weeks. I wanted to jump out in front of a car.

This spooked me. I told my counselor at school, and I ended up going to the Emergency Room. I got my counselor. I thought for a while that everything was going to be all right, but of course it never fucking is. Life quickly turned to shit again.

After a while more of getting yelled at because everything I did was wrong (from Word document formatting to calling myself Ashley in private to wearing subtle makeup ["you're not supposed to do that because you're a boy"] to having the audacity to talk to other people about what was going on), I was ready to snap.

Finally it happened. The last straw. My mom dug into my backpack and found a RadioShack receipt. Then my dad looked at my transaction history online. He found that I had bought $10 worth of Valentine's Day candy twice to share with my friends, plus the $16 USB hub. So my mom cut up my debit card. That was the key to my independence, my freedom, my ability to get on in the world without my parents. And she took it from me and fucking cut it up and threw it in the trash.

So, I snapped. I called them thieves, and said a bunch of other really angry stuff. Then my mom flipped, I put on my shoes to leave, and my dad grabbed me (not literally) and got me in the car. We drove around for quite a while, having a talk. But I got out feeling like nothing had been accomplished.

While I was at work, I felt increasingly desperate. The texts I sent to my friend showed it. Finally, I tried to go to his place when I got off. That didn't work. I tried to commit suicide.

It went wrong. My parents found me, and I let my mom bully me into the car. But then it was the same. And now, they found my phone - the thing I used to calm me down at the end of a long day with Facebook and music. And they stole that.

I'm just about done. I'm buying shit for myself off Amazon (a ring, necklace, some women's clothing, electronics...); and they will be yelling at me about that soon I expect. In a big "fuck you" maneuver, I went to the bank and got another card. Stuff like that.

But. I'm expecting a confrontation. I'm worn out, dead, sick of it all, and just want it to go away. I need some advice. On what to do when the confrontation happens, on what to do in general, anything. Just somebody please help me. Before I lose it completely.