Well I know I'm gay, no question about it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. More accurately, I feel like I'm falling a part quietly and rapidly. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm fine with myself being gay, but I'm realising that I'm really not. I know that there's nothing wrong with being the way I am, but despite knowing this fact, I can't seem to apply it to myself. I can tell other lgbt people that they are fine but when I try to direct that opinion inwards it just doesn't compute, if that makes sense. I try to really picture myself being this happy, open, comfortable gay guy but it just seems so fake, dream like, something so unrealistic that I can't take it seriously. I can't imagine a world where I feel so comfortable being who I am that I'm able to openly date, take a guy to meet my family or even just talk to a guy who I may like. I have come out to people, 5 to be exact. 2 of them where mental health professionals and the other where friends. Each time I came out, I felt so sick to my stomach. Just knowing that they know this tiny bit of information about me, makes me so uncomfortable. All of the 5 people are totally accepting, but I forbid them to ever bring it up. You might think then, why did I even tell anyone in the first place, well that's because I thought it would help. But all it did was make me feel worse. I refuse to lie about being gay, but I don't want to tell anyone the truth either so I shut everything away. My friends assumed I was asexual because I never talked about liking anyone, or gave any indication of any kind of attractions at all. It feels like my brain is split in 2, one side is the person people see, the other is the person that people don't. Occasionly, like tonight, I seriously think about what me being open about being gay really means, what life I would leed, the people who I need to tell. This is when I start to spiral. I've been up all night just thinking about it all. Thinking about it makes it all so real. I just want to be in my bed and never leave. I'm just so tired. I don't even know what I'm asking for in this message. I just felt like putting my thoughts in writing and putting it out out there so someone can I see how I actually feel, even if they don't know me. Sorry for being whiny. I'm probably gonna regret posting this.
It sounds like you're feeling quite overwhelmed when considering far-ahead into the future, so for now it might be better to take little steps dealing with the here and now. You've accepted the fact of your sexuality, so that's the first step. You don't have to come out to everyone all at once. If you don't want to lie, you can change the subject or if pushed just give them the silent treatment. Remember you're under no obligation to share your sexuality with someone if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Anyone who cares about you or is worth telling shouldn't push the issue anyway. If anyone assumes you are asexual, it's not you who put that idea in their head and you shouldn't feel responsible for correcting them. As there are a few people who already know and have been accepting, it might be a good idea, when you feel ready, to gently discuss it with them. Explain that you feel uncomfortable which is why you don't talk about it much, and just want to talk a little at a time. You might find that hearing someone you know verbalise that they are ok with it helps with your own concerns. In terms of dating, there's no rush. You can always think about meeting someone later when you're more comfortable in your own situation. Also, being happily gay needn't change your life entirely. You can still be the same person you've always been - who just so happens to be gay. Sexuality is an important aspect of yourself, but that doesn't mean it has to take over your life. Remember there's no rule that says you have to go from being in the closet to living fully out and confident overnight. It might seem frustrating at times, but taking it slow might make it a bit easier. (*hug*)
