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How to approach a self harmer

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Aura, Feb 22, 2015.

  1. Aura

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    If you notice someone cuts themselves or causes themselves harm how would you address that subject with them. Of course you'd have to become friends with them first. How would you talk to them about it without offending or hurting them. I am very ignorant in this subject and I know it so would you recommend researching the topic before hand. I know there are plenty more questions that I want to ask, and will probably remember after I post this, so if you have anything more to say please do tell I'd like to help more people and become much more educated in this topic.
     
  2. jay777

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    You might talk to her, in a sensible manner... that you noticed, and that you would like to help...
    and if she wants to talk about it...

    here are some hints on strategies:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/166624-urges-self-harm-how-counter-them.html#7

    Its likely there is an underlying problem... something she is dealing with...
    you might talk to her about it...
    but watch out for yourself... don't get too emotionally burdened...
    you could suggest she sees a counselor, maybe from school...
    or talk with further people about it...
    there are even helplines that can be called...


    (*hug*)
     
  3. MrBrightside

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    Last year my flatmate self harmed quite badly, i had to call an ambulance for him a couple times.

    Basically how i dealt with it was i would ask if he was alright, ask what was wrong. I was persistent in making him realise i cared. I spent more time with him deliberately to try to boost him that little bit. In essence i saw his self harm as a manifestation of unhappiness and tried to do things that would change that.

    In the end though i had to get his parents involved. I had kept it all to myself for a good few weeks before it was out of control. Just remember to look after yourself because i lost good friendships and a potential relationship to look after him, and if you feel theyre in danger and the situation is out of control try to get them to seek help and as a last resort seek it on their behalf.

    Hope that helps a wee bitty :slight_smile:
     
  4. ForNarnia

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    First off, you have to be absolutely sure that the person is self harming, after that, you have to be as accepting as possible.
    Avoid asking them to show you their marks or asking things like what they use etc. If they want to tell you, they will.
    The main thing is to provide support for them. They may be reluctant to tell you why they do it. There may be nothing you can do to improve the situation, but just make it clear you're a shoulder to cry on for them. Tell them to call you when they're feeling down, go out for a walk or a trip around town with them, just be there.
    I don't know if my advice is any good, but for me, someone like that would have made things so much easier to cope with. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Celatus

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    I've seen my fair share of others who have self harmed (although I have not, the whole idea freaks me out) after riding out a nasty, long period of depression and anxiety in an unpleasant hospital environment. I initially reacted with horror, but it's basically a call for help for the person self harming. In truth, people who self harm desparately want someone to talk to that won't judge them for harming. They use pain as a way of releasing their emotions, instead of reaching out to others. It is possible to help someone that is cutting by doing the obvious (keeping them under a watchful eye) and also offering emotional support.
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    Self harm, or self injury, is a coping mechanism for the person concerned and you cannot just remove it or take it away from them without exposing them to even greater risk or harm. Never, ever ask someone to promise not to do it as you will heap so much pressure on them as they try in vain to keep the promise to you. When someone is already struggling to cope with life the last thing they need is more pressure.

    Admittedly, self harm is not a good coping mechanism, but it is what it is and there is no point in passing judgement or making someone feel bad for cutting, burning etc. What they need is love and support and someone to turn to when the stress is high.

    I agree with others that you need to look after yourself if you are supporting someone who is self harming. Don't take it all on board yourself as there are people and organisations that can offer support and extra resources for you and your friend.
     
    #6 PatrickUK, Mar 1, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2015
  7. majorburt

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    As someone who used to cut themselves on a pretty regular basis, I can tell you it's hard to deal with it from any point of view.

    Whenever someone gets to the point where they're cutting or burning themselves, or whatever they're doing, it's because they've come to the point where nothing seems like it matters, or that this life or fight just is not "worth it" anymore.

    How do you approach somdone you don't know who's hurting themselves? VERY CAREFULLY.

    Trust me, they're in a very fragile time, and they will most likely think you want something for them. Just, try to be a friend to them. Share somethkgn from your past if you've been through something bad. Broken arm, death in the famiily that hit you hard, if you have something like that to share, than they'll feel like they can trust you a little.

    Don't just wa'll up to them out of the blue and say "hey, I see those gashes on your arm. What's up with that?" (Of course I over exaggerated that for you, but Trust me... That's what they're gonna hear)

    Be a friend, be as supporting as you can, and do everything in your power to take their mind off of their troubles. Go bowling, play some soccer if they're into that. Do something genuinely fun with them as often as possible and make it clear that if they ever get bored or is feeling down, than they can give you a call.

    That is your goal, isn't it?

    Helping someone through something like that isn't just a "turn key" Sep 1-3 process. It takes time and trust. And they have to be willing to open up to you because Your a friend, not because they feel the need to so you'll stop asking.

    Anyway, I hope that helps you at least a ittle, my friend.