Ever since I was a kid I have always known that I was different and never had any attraction to girls but I just never knew what to think of it. But when I was in seventh grade I knew that I liked boys I was not sure about girls. I am not seen as a very steriotypically gay person other then the fact I do gymnastics. But from seventh grade up till now I still reject and hate who I really am that I am gay. I have always rejected being gay and avoiding all parts of being gay. I truly have nothing wrong with gay people but I just don't like myself being gay. I see my future and I see kids that I can call mine and I see a wife and overall just a normal life. Just up until a few months ago I really started getting depressed and hating myself and I thought telling someone would just make it all go away because of seeing all these coming out stories and people being happy. So I came out to some of my friends and now they just make fun of me and joke about me behind my back and I hate it I hate being the person who stands out in the crowd. What my point is that I hate being gay and believe I will never live a happy life. I fear rejection and its hard for me to even think I am gay because I reject myself. I have tried to find advice but nothing ever works and I can't stop thinking about it its like a war going on inside and everyday I just think to myself its just a phase I am not really gay and that these feeling are not real. To make things worse one of my friends found out I like him and now we don't even talk any more and I stay up all night just crying inside thinking why did I have to be gay. Why out of like 8 billion people in the world me. I know I might be rambling but my overall point is I hate myself but want to accept myself and I have no one to turn to for advice and am scared of being rejected and laughed at. How do I learn to accept myself even though everyone around me is homophobic including my parents. I just feel so alone and desperate all I want is this war to end please help.
First of all, I want to say that you've made one of the best decisions of your life by joining this web community. We're all here to help you. I'm not sure how old you are, but whatever your age is, I want you to know that even though I do not know exactly how you feel, as I'm not in your shoes, I can relate on some level and empathize. When I was in middle school and the first half of high school, I wanted so badly to be straight. I didn't want to be this thing that I didn't really understand; this thing that I was taught by society was absurd or joke-worthy. But as I talked to more gay people are started to confide in experienced and helpful adults like my school counselor, I came to accept who and what I am. Since then, never, have I ever once, wished that it turned out differently. I am extremely, delightfully happy to be gay. Believe it or not, if you keep an optimistic attitude and keep your ears and heart open to advice and stories, it's a matter of when, not if, you feel the same way. Most of all, Welcome to EmptyClosets <3
Your post really touched me in so many ways. So many of us have experienced what you are currently experiencing. I wish I could give you a hug and say it will all get better; and it certainly can, but you will need to work at finding self acceptance. Accepting whom I am has been a long journey for me, but I have reached such a point. And what I can say is that I have never been happier and content with my life and whom I am. If you have a way of doing so, either through school or outside, please talk with a therapist or advisor. You can do so confidentially. It should really help you sort through what your going through and help you find a good place for yourself.
Your post really touched me in so many ways. So many of us have experienced what you are currently experiencing. I wish I could give you a hug and say it will all get better; and it certainly can, but you will need to work at finding self acceptance. Accepting whom I am has been a long journey for me, but I have reached such a point. And what I can say is that I have never been happier and content with my life and whom I am. If you have a way of doing so, either through school or outside, please talk with a therapist or advisor. You can do so confidentially. It should really help you sort through what your going through and help you find a good place for yourself.
I've dealt with the exact same feelings you're going through (like EXACTLY what you've described) except at least you had to guts to come out to your friends and you seem pretty good at analyzing your own life. It comes down to realizing that being gay *is* a normal life. It's hard to shed that image of a perfect life with a wife and kids that gets ingrained in us from the very start. I promise you, gay people are just as capable of building a happy, fulfilling life as anyone out there. And it has nothing to do with making compromises or trying to convince yourself your life is normal. In my experience it's really amazing how once you do embrace being gay, how normal and boring being gay is. It's just life. The turning point for me in really embracing it, was first, coming out to a friend, and then finding an accepting group of friends and a few gay friends to confide in. It was a long process, because I used to not want anything to do with other gay people, because I stereotyped them all as superficial and feminine (being brutally honest about my past homophobia). But that all seems ludicrous now. I don't know what your age is, but if you're in highschool, I would say you have a lot to look forward to in college (if you go) because you'll probably find a much larger pool of gay people to make friends with. I would really encourage you to go to a pride event too because (at least for me) it was amazing to be in an environment where you realize you're no longer a "minority". That's my two cent. Just know that you're not alone (*hug*)
You're "friends" aren't really your friends. If you're living in a homophobic environment then it can be kind of difficult to accept who you really are. I'm very sorry that's how you feel. I use to feel the same way. I hope it gets better for you soon (*hug*)
First of all I am a freshman in high school and I have a gay straight alliance at school but I am scared to go for the fact that I am not out at all in high school and am also very shy. But I hate not bing able to even think about anything else but the fact I am gay like its all my mind thinks about all day everyday. I can't even escape to my own thoughts and overall just hate myself and want so bad to be normal. it does not help that my friends make fun of me behind my back and whenever I try to fight back they just threaten to tell people. I feel so alone and just don't know where to go.
(*hug*) damn.... i used to feel the same way, in a lot of ways. i was in somewhat of a similar situation that you were once in, just constant wars inside my head and constant conflicts that occurs between reality and imagination. i definitely feel the pain. now that you're coming to terms with it, i'd tell you right now, it's perfectly normal. it's okay to be gay, it's okay to cry. there's a lot more to it then meets the eye, and it starts within yourself. take it one at a time, or one day at a time even. it sucks that you're around a homophobic environment, but it'll get better, it definitely does.
