Homophobic remarks by parent

I can definitely relate. My mom has also made that same remark. Along with the oh-so-well-known "I'm fine with gay people but not in my backyard." Or calling me disgusting. It hurts and it has had an impact on my own acceptance. I'm getting better with it though and still have hope that she will change.

Good to hear that your mom is coming around Maybe you could bring up your relationship in conversation with her? By not talking about it, it's like your are still closeted. Maybe she could meet your boyfriend?

 

Well, my mom said similar things until my brother came out. She realized there was worse things and eventually accepted it.

It seems like things may have ended similarly to you.

 

Sounds harmless enough. My dad's said the same sort of thing and implied revulsion at the idea. At other times though, he's expressed that he's totally for equality and while he personally thinks gay relations are icky (he's straight of course ) he doesn't hold it against people who swing that way. I've got the feeling that if I ever came out to him (which I likely won't, long story) he wouldn't like it much, but he wouldn't exactly disown me.

 

My dad used to call me a dyke, without even knowing I was gay. He still doesn't because of that. He called my brother a faggot for owning a loom at age 10, and every other disgusting anti-gay name you can think of. It's rough, and I think that sometimes people either don't realize that they're doing damage, or just don't care.

 

My dad is pretty homophobic and has said a lot of comments along the lines that gay people are "abominations in the eyes of god," and has called them fairies and fags. He doesn't know my sexuality and I normally steer clear of the topic just because I don't like hearing his anti-gay rants.

Now that I've moved out I don't have to hear it as often. As far as letting him know I'm gay goes, I think I'll let him figure it out for himself.

 

I can barely be in the same room with my mom when anything is brought up about LGBT issues on TV. She always makes some remark about "fags" and says stuff like, "I don't care as long as they leave me alone," "Why do they need a parade? If you're gay, why do you have to announce it to the whole world?" Anything regarding transgender people is even worse. Every muscle in my body tenses, just daring her to say anything against trans people. She knows I'm trans but refuses to accept it.
Luckily, I've found my voice a bit so if she makes any anti-LGBT remark, I'm right on her and telling her not to say that stuff anymore because it's offensive. (Not that that sticks with her).

 

Even without being anti-gay, that is some pretty rough verbal abuse. Parents shouldn't talk like that to their kids.

 

I remember my whole family making homophobic remarks, the most hurtful of which was my mom's, cuz she was (still is, I think) the closest person to me. She would say things like - "I hate fags", "ugh, disgusting", "freaks" and things like that. Two years ago I came out to her and she's changed her views entirely. She doesn't use derogatory names, she's become mroe accepting of the gay community, she now sees gays just like regular people. Ever since I came out, I now see how other family members watch their mouth and don't say homophobic things in my presence. I think she's told them not to... So, yeah... There's hope for your mama. If my mom could change her homophobic views, yours can too. (*hug*)

 

i think it hurts when a loved one rejects this part of you. you want their approval but sometimes sadly they will never be able to give it to you. sometimes it takes time. sometimes i will never happen. but as sure as you're born, you only have one life to live. YOUR LIFE. your mom has her life. she has made choices that were all part of her life's journey. if you had a crystal ball to review all the choices she made so far in her life, i'm sure there would be many that you would not either agree with or condone. i am sure there are many she regrets. but good or bad, she made them. she lived and is living her life. and you have to do the same. it would be nice if we all lived forever on earth but we do not. and one day, each of us will transition from this earth to our final destiny. so that means that we cannot live our short time here for others. we can still keep loving them and accepting their love, but we can't stand idly by and waste years of seeking approval from people that may never approve of our choices and lives. love your mom with all the love you have for her. love forgives. it doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag, but you can still love her. you have to let go. finding peace in who you are will be the freedom you need to let whatever feelings she has about your sexuality vanish into the air like steam.

---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2015 at 03:06 AM ----------

yea and God doesn't like judgement, hate, and condemnation either. so your dad's views are an abomination.

---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2015 at 03:10 AM ----------

as soon as i could break free someone like that i would never look back. is your brother gay? i wanted to loom too when i was kid. i think they are cool. this is how kids dreams are shattered by broken people with broken spirits. most of the top designers for menswear and womenswear are men. instead of encouraging a natural interest, your dad's brokenness tried to put an end to it. i truly think some people should not be alllowed to have children.

 

I think sometimes people make comments because it really just doesn't occur to them that they may apply to real people in their midst. I remember about a week before I came out my parents took me shopping to buy me a new winter coat. There was a gay couple a few people ahead of us in line. You didn't see that very often 23 years ago in Salt Lake City, Utah. My Father made some sort of disparaging remark--I honestly don't remember what it was, nor did it really strike me at the time. Then about a week later I came out--and about a week after thought my Father came to me obviously distraught. Apparently he remembered the remark and had been able to think of little else since I told him I was gay. He apologized profusely--he had been inconsiderate and simply hadn't known what he was talking about. He hoped I could some day forgive him. Of course I did. That's the thing, almost all the homophobic language I have encountered in my life has been from people who did not know I was gay--oftentimes people who don't think they know anyone who is gay. It's not cool; they shouldn't do it. But in my mind I don't take it personally--unless it continues after I tell them I'm gay.

 

Offmychest, I haven't seen my dad in person since November, and no, my brother's not gay. Trust me, I'm out of that situation.

 

This one time my mom looked me dead in the eye and said: Promise me you will not become a lesbian.

She's made plenty of other homophobic remarks as well...

I think this has happened to most of us. As for how do you forget. Well, you never forget.

 

When I came out to my parents, my mom said to me, "I brought a DAUGHTER into this world, not a SON"

That is the one comment I would probably never forget. It hurt like a bitch. Still does. :icon_sad:

Another comment she made was when we were casually talking one day. She said to me she hopes I don't have a girlfriend, and I said I do (I had one at the time). Then she said, "Just don't bring her here". That, and the conversation that followed, actually upset me so much that I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend. I felt so powerless and useless and just... I don't even know. It still hurts just thinking about it.

Why can't they just accept it and everybody's happy? Why does it have to be so complicated and why is it such a big problem? I don't get it.

Oh, I just thought of another homophobic remark. My cousin (female) has two lesbian friends. One of them is engaged and the other (we suspect) is in a relationship with my cousin. We don't have proof but the whole family suspects it.

Well, the four of them now live together, and the other day we were talking about them and my mom said, "Great, the four gays together under one roof" in a very demeaning tone. I just kept my mouth shut because it wouldn't have ended pretty....

So yeah, totally homophobic parents (or mom, at least).

 

OP - I think you should give your mom a break. Honestly, parents say things like that all the time without really thinking about it. I don't see any maliciousness in her remark. Don't shut her out. Give her a chance to understand what you're going through. I'm sure you can remember times when you have said something rather thoughtlessly. I know I fall short in that area a lot. Your mom is human too in that regard, so I say brush off that little comment and give her a chance to understand what you are experiencing.

 

I agree with this.

My father used to be your average homophobic, transphobic cisman... Until he turned to religion again. It should have made it worse, but in his case it worked wonders : He actually became a much more tolerant human being.

When I came out to him, he was surprised, but he accepted that. He is not happy, but I know his unhappiness comes from fear of how the world will react, not out of hating me for being who I am.

Give her a chance. Go slowly if you need to.

Good luck to you (*hug*)


By the way... Our parent's world, the place they grew up, was different. Times were different. Attitudes. Everything.
You need to understand where they are coming from. Most of them are just repeating sentences, but they don't really believe on them.
There is nothing wrong with loving someone, regardless of gender or orientation : Love is love!