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a little vent on the subject of depression.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by majorburt, Feb 28, 2015.

  1. majorburt

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    Sorry, but I've gotta get this off my chest.

    Earlier today, my friends were talking about all the hell they've been through and how it fucked them up. All solid stuff. But then they all looked at me and sad "chance, your lucky you've never been depressed"....

    They didn't even know what kind of hell I've been through in the past few years. I lost three of my grandparents whI were some of the best most honest and genuinely good people you'll ever have met. All three in under 10 months from each other. My grandfather, who had Alzheimer's to the point where he didn't even recognize me the last time I saw him alive... He was among those three.


    All that, cumulated with what I went through just accepting who I was.... Let's just say the scars are more than just physical at this point.


    The worst part is that I couldn't speak up without outing myself, because it's just what would have happened. It just hurt to hear them talking about things that, in comparison, were simply less. With the exception of one of my friends, who I sorely wish I could have done more to help him through what he went through..

    Other than him, not to sound selfish, but a little "fear of mortality" or a bad job just seems... Less.


    Anyway, hopefully I didn't make myself look like an ass by posting this or using the wording I did. I just needed to say it to somebody. I was probably gonna bust out in tears if I didn't. And that says a lot, seeing as I haven't cried in 5 years. And that's not from lack of trying.

    Anyway, thank you for reading this. I just needed to vent for a minute.
     
  2. AsheTheHuman

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    There's a difference between being depressed for a little bit and actually having depression. It doesn't sound like your friends (with the possible exception of the one) actually have depression. Do you? Or has it just been particularly hard lately? Remember that you can talk to them about your grandparents' deaths without outing yourself.
     
  3. majorburt

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    if say that I am or at least was legitimately depressed. I couldn't exactly go to a therapist (Even though that would have helped me a lot, to just have someone to talk to about this.) because I knew how that chain of events would go. And, especially back then, I was in no position to come out. I sill am in no position to, to be honest.

    Although it really has been hard for me in the last few years, I've learned how to control my emotions and actions to a frightening degree. Which is part of what makes me feel like shit. Because I wish that I didn't have to learn that skill, and that it hurts me when I have to use it to put a smile on my face when I just don't want to..


    As for talking About my grandparents deaths... I know it wouldn't "satisfy" them as an answer for why I've been feeling rough. the whole "well, we all loose people" thing could very well be said in reply

    It also wouldn't explain the around 230 scars (I sat down and counted them one day) On my right bicep that I did In the past few years before I could accept that I an gay.... It was something that was very hard to admit to myself.

    After they said I'm "lucky" I literally had to leave the room to gather myself. I almost broke apart I front of them, which would have been a very bad thing.

    Like I dsaid tho, I just needed to Get that off my chest.
    thanks for replying tho.
     
  4. AsheTheHuman

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    You keep mentioning that you can't do X because you already know what will happen. I'm assuming that means coming out. Is there some reason why you can't? Psychologist/Psychiatrists have patient confidentiality. Especially now that you're 18, they are not allowed to tell your parents anything that you don't clear with them first. It doesn't have to satisfy them. It sounds like they have relatively minor issues that are getting them down. You can also just be honest and say that you think you might have actual depression. The thing about clinical depression is that it doesn't need a reason to trigger. I know it was kind of disjointed but there's a few thoughts about your situation.
     
  5. majorburt

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    It's not so much that I can't, but I know that it'll lead to me being outed before im ready. I know that I can just borrow a car at any time and get an appointment with a psychiatrist given I've got the cash. Its just that I know that rhythmically going out of the house without a solid reason would raise eyebrows.

    The reason I say I can't, is because I know what will happen and that I know I'll get an undesirable result from the action. I've day for a long time thinking about this type of thing.


    As for me being depressed. Its not like I'm cutting myself or wanting to kill myself now. I've been through that, and I've got around 230 scars on my right bicep to prove it. I just realized one day that it wasn't helping me or my situation. I was sick of it. I know I've got new coping mechanisms (taking a lot of risks, doing "dumb stuff", that type of thing), but it's more of a healthy coping mechanism than what I was doing.


    Honestly, what I need to do Is something that I literally can't right now. And that's move out of this area and make my own life. I can't do that yet because I am in no place to do so right now.
     
  6. kindy14

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    Clinical depression is a lot different than just being down, in a bad mood, or having a bad day. That said, everyone has pain and suffering in their lives, it's the human condition.

    Patient confidentiality, as long as you are not a danger to yourself or others, nothing should leave the office that you didn't previously clear. We've been taking our 15 year old adopted son to the same therapist I go to, and while she will bring up things indirectly if it's a concern, she does not go into details of what they talk about.

    If you have a goal, then make sure everything you do moves you towards that goal. Save up your money and get to a new place in your life.
     
  7. majorburt

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    I'm gonna be going to Louisiana for helicopter school in a few years, so I'll be getting away before too long. It's something I'm really looking forward too, even if I'll miss the mountains here in Appalachia.