Does the shame go away? The guilt? I want to accept who I am. I've identified as 'straight' for so long, part of me can't accept my newfound sexuality. I'm afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I feel ahshamed for my thoughts, my urges. I know there's nothing wrong with thenm that's just the way I am. But there's that part of my brain, telling me I'm a disgusting freak. On top of everything, I'm too damn weak, apparently, to even talk to my girlfriend about it. It seems like every day, I hate myself just a little more. What's wrong with me?
look at it this way telling your girlfriend could be the first start? and uh your totally not a disgusting freak
You've made important steps so far, so you're on the right way to accept yourself. You're on a LGBT+ forum looking for advice and you've admitted that you're not straight. This is very important. The shame and all those negative feelings will go away if you give yourself time. Think that not being straight is not the end of the world. It's just a very small part of yourself. You are the same person you were before. As for your girlfriend, you should be honest with her. When you're ready, talk to her about this. Honesty is important in a relationship.
She cried a bit. She said more than anything, she was upset that I didn't feel I could go to her right away, but she said she understood. She worried now, despite knowing that neither of these things are true, that things will change between us, and that I'm going to come out as gay in a couple years. She said she needs some time, and I understand that. But it's nice to know she's on board, and I have her to support me now. I was shutting myself the entire time, though. But, I suppose it could have gone much, much worse.
She knows now so you don't have to worry about telling her anymore. You may feel bad because it wasn't a pleasant conversation but it was something it had to be done. How are you right now?
Better than I was, but still not great. My job requires me to spend multiple hours in a small room by myself with very little conversation or interaction with other people, so all those negative thoughts and emotions have time to fester and grow. There's still that irrational part of my brain that isn't accepting what I know to be my truth, and it's filling me with what I originally mentioned. But now, there's a sprinkle of anxiety that J (my girlfriend) won't be able to fully accept me...
