Hello again EC, So a while back I started to get feelings for this straight male friend. I have accepted the fact that I am gay, and said male friend is okay with that also. Recently these feelings have gotten a bit 'out of control'. No matter where i am and what i'm doing, i cannot stop thinking of him. I acknowledge the fact that he will never date me/ like me back, i still cant get him off the top of my head. Because of these feelings, i am in a constant state of lonliness, and it is not fun (as many of you have probably know). My main question is, how do i emotionally get away from this guy, and then how do i find another guy that is gay, without coming out to everybody? Any thoughts/ideas are very much appreciated.
You have my sympathy, I am unfortunately very familiar with your situation. It is mourning. Deep sorrow. You have accepted it logically, after all you weren't lovers and he's not dead, he's not even a lost friend. But that's not the way it feels. This odd feeling of love lost is made even sharper by your isolation, that is, the loss makes the feeling of isolation all the more poignant. In response you turn toward your friend for support but he simply can't give it to you. It's a cruel situation to be in. I wish something could be said that would ease your pain but you just have to ride this one out. As for the chances you will love again and have that love returned and kept secret, they are not good. You know that and that's what really hurts. You know you aren't going to stop feeling lonely unless you do something to improve your situation. That can be hard but you do have friends here to help. So why don't you start another post and this time give us your situation and tell us why you can't come out. Maybe we can put our heads together and at least give you some ideas to think about.
the grief of not being able to have him will take its own time to work through. but in the meantime, get to know other guys. I suggest checking out meetups in your area. also, look for things like lgbt support groups. don't expect an instant relationship that will make all the pain go away. but do expect to meet new people, and to learn that other people find you interesting and, omg, even attractive. good luck.
Well I honestly can't say exactly why i'm not going to come out to everyone at the moment, but its mainly because i feel that I'm just in general not ready for the whole world to know. In regards to my situation, im not sure what else to add / what else i should say so that we would be able to think of more ideas. Specify a bit? P.s. Please excuse my poorly worded response, i dont really know what else to say to get out what im trying to explain. (If that makes any sense)
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have implied you come out at this moment. You shouldn't do that until you are ready, of course. I was trying to point out that until you do start dating openly you most likely won't find someone. But that's okay, as long as you have a plan. Just don't beat yourself up over the situation if you aren't going to fix it right now. So, there are plenty of things you can do right now to prepare for when you do come out. First, think about the kind of guy you want to meet in the future. One big advantage of being gay that straight guys don't have is that we can make ourselves into the image of the guys we are attracted to. That's why we have the reputation of being so narcissistic! Styling yourself in the image of guys you want to attract is a great way to attract them. If you aren't sure what that is yet then purchase a full length mirror and start experimenting with some couture. Start with thrift stores. I wouldn't suggest you necessarily wear experiments around people you know, but it's important to wear them in public to get a good idea of how they make you feel to be in them. As you start to define your style, go to the department stores and get some quality outfits for wearing around people you know. There are a couple of things that are always great to haves. One is a good body. So hit the gym. A lot. You don't have to be well built to begin with, the point is to have the best body you can have. That's aways very attractive. Secondly, be really smart about a few subjects. Pick a few, it doesn't matter what they are. Something you like. But be knowledgeable about them. That always impresses and intrigues people. Have really white teeth. It's hard to overstate the importance of this. Work on your sociability. It's really, really important that you not be negative when you are trying to find a date. It's more important than anything. Okay, being extremely good looking will trump negativity but even then being negative will rain on your parade. Good luck to you! Spend some time working on these things while you are in the closet and they will pay off for you when you are ready to come out.
