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Where are all the gays?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by LibertyValance, Mar 8, 2015.

  1. LibertyValance

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    So, 3/4 of the way through my first year of university and I have to say things have been a little disappointing. I was closeted all throughout high school and only came out over the summer since I figured spending university in the closet would be a waste. I didn't have any gay friends in high school so I hoped that university would be a new opportunity to meet people. After all with more than ten times as many people at university than there was at high school I figured surely there must be a decent few gay guys there. However I can't seem to find any of them even though there should (statistically) be a few hundred.

    I tried asking some of my (straight) friends who I knew from high school who have come to the same university as me whether they have met any gay guys. All of them say that I am the only gay person they know. I figure with how many people they know that surely they would know at least some other gay people, but apparently not.

    I have met a few people in university due to group projects from business class or tutorial/lab sessions. But in a similar vein, all of them are straight. So both of the standard avenues of meeting people (through class and through friends) have proven dry when it comes to finding gay people.

    I also decided to try and hang around the schools LGBT centre but much to my dismay it was not particularly large and almost entirely (90+ percent) women there most of the time. After going to a few of their events I felt that I just didn't fit in too well. The people were certainly nice enough but a lack of common interests just made me feel out of place. More often than not I didn't have much of anything to add to conversations which ended up making me feel awkward. So I haven't really hung around there with any sort of consistency anymore.

    I'm not exactly the most socially outgoing person so I don't find it easy to put myself out there and it took a lot of effort to try and meet people. The fact that every single avenue I have tried has yielded no results has really left me in a bit of a rut. I don't know where I am supposed to go from here.
     
  2. sublimeprincess

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    Well, I would check out if there are gay men only clubs at your school. And if you can't find men through friends or school, the only other option is the internet. There's a bunch of gay dating websites! Just look around. I met quite the number of people through online means.
     
  3. LibertyValance

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    Sadly there is just the one club at the school. I have looked through some of the online based dating/hook-up applications but it seems people in the area must just not be big on using them because the nearest person within a decade of my age was nearly 100km away. This is possibly limited since my mobile device isn't compatible with the most popular of the aforementioned applications (Good ole Blackberry Z10.....).
     
  4. sublimeprincess

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    If that's true, then seriously you're going to have to have a long-distance relationship and then eventually move somewhere like San Francisco
     
  5. zerogravity

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    I also went to university in Canada, in a "university town", and I didn't meet a single out gay person in the entire 4 years I was there. I don't even remember there being a LGBT club.
     
  6. LibertyValance

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    Well that bodes well. It is strange that for how comparatively liberal the country/province is towards the LGBT community (Kathleen Wynne the premier is a lesbian) that there would be such an apparent lack of out people. I always get a little envious of the people at school from Toronto since apparently things are a lot better there. Sadly it's not really an option right now for me to just up and leave to Toronto, so that is out of the cards.
     
  7. sweetfemme90

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    I had a similar situation that happened to me. When I was in first year of my undergraduate I only made one acquaintance. We had a mixed group of genders and identities however the people in the group at the time were much older than me, I was 18 and most of them were 21-26 years old. It was difficult to connect because I was living in the dorms on campus and most of them lived in apartments, had jobs, partners, and all those other things. We had pretty much nothing in common as far as interests goes. Luckily I kept going to the group despite of all that.

    If there is anything I have learned about university clubs and societies is the membership changes from semester to semester and year to year. I think you should continue to attend this group. Friendships take a lot of time to form. I knew one of my closest friends for a year and a half before we started hanging out. Then in my second year I met another close friend who lived in the same dorm as me.

    The best thing to do is to keep attending the group and get involved. If there is a volunteer opportunity to help promote the group (e.g. a clubs/societies fair) help set up the booth, be creative and help recruit prospective members. This does mean you will be talking to strangers who come up to you wanting to know more about the group. It gets you out of your comfort zone but you have a general spiel to give people so it's not as bad. Most people I have talked to at these types of events will tell me about their lives or what their involvement with the community is or something.

    ---------- Post added 10th Mar 2015 at 10:04 AM ----------

    One more thing I forgot to add- promoting the club works because it gets you involved with the existing members and encourages other people to join as well. :slight_smile: It mixes the group up and maybe you will meet more like-minded people.
     
  8. Yosia

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    They all live in one big village, you'll have to find it. :3
     
  9. Footnerd

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    I get the feeling and have been that things are retreating back into the closet in southern Ontario at work and school, almost as if subtle and not so subtle homopbobia is returning, in different ways as outright discrimination is banned now. I might be wrong but try and find a job if someone suspects you are gay, try and keep a job at many workplaces if you are gay.

    ---------- Post added 26th Mar 2015 at 09:48 AM ----------

    Does anything work on Blackberry 10? I have one but not much runs on it although now you can add Android apps via snap and another app which I forget the name of. Not that I am really looking right now but what I don't like about using those apps is they are visible on your phone, someone can borrow that phone and see them.
     
  10. guitar

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    I'm really curious where you are (you don't have to say) because the universities I know in Southern Ontario have quite their share of gay people - or did when I attended a few years ago.
     
  11. LibertyValance

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    I don't really feel comfortable saying where I am publicly on the internet and I don't believe I am able to PM non-staff/advisers given I am not a full member.
     
  12. guitar

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    No worries. I've either attended as a student or went to hang out at, I believe, every University from Windsor to Hamilton. From what I'd heard (or witnessed), most had a decent number of gay students. At the time, Windsor, Western and Laurier did... but perhaps things have changed?

    Anyways, don't give up, every year there are new incoming students.
     
  13. blackhatguy

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    It's crazy. I'm the only one I know about in my senior class, but I know they're out there, somewhere.
     
  14. LibertyValance

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    I feel like there probably are a decent number but that I am just looking in the wrong places. I know from reading on other online discussion boards that a lot of gay guys view the sort of LGBT centre stuff as being for losers, but frankly I don't know where else to go to find gay people. I have never had any gay friends or relatives so there is no "network" in place so to speak. It's not that I can't find any queer students, there are a tonne of bi/pan/lesbian/et cetera women around, but I just don't know where all the gay guys are...

    Part of my problem likely just has to do with my general lack of sociability anyhow. I am not particularly good at meeting people or striking up conversation with people I don't know. Pretty much all of my new friends at university are just friends of people I am already friends with. I am typically more introverted and not keen to attend large social gatherings. I force myself to attend one now and again in the hopes of meeting people. However I typically don't meet many interesting people and never really enjoy myself at such venues. I don't think there is really much that can be done to change such an ingrained personality trait though.

    I have friends at Western (I am not there) and they don't notice many gay people at all. I suppose that is likely because they are all straight and not really looking out for such things though. It seems that the places I (and my straight friends) hang out just aren't where gay people are and I do not know where I am supposed to look to find people. At least on the plus side my GPA has been pretty good this first year since I have no real social distractions to detract from studies. A bit of a hollow consolation, but consolation nonetheless....
     
  15. Gandee

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    This is something I've pondered about, too. Looking forward to more hopeful responses in this thread.
     
  16. Footnerd

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    I have the same problem of not being that social and all that,although I prefer large crowds and groups as I can not been seen as easily as in small group, it sure is a problem when you are looking for a job and then want "excellent social skills" and all that crap more than actual skills. I really do get the feeling that things are becoming lets say very private again, maybe it's the political atmosphere or workplaces now mostly run by conservative businessmen but I've just noticed things lately, I am not under my real name here so I can say I live in Waterloo and there are two universities in this city and it appears those gay guys are keeping things very private. Not that I am looking but I do notice a lack of activity in general.

    ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2015 at 08:29 AM ----------

    The sad part is one doesn't get these years back, on the plus side, yes it allows you to focus on work or school or both 100% of the time, if I ever own a business I'd seek out and hire those who are gay for that very reason. They are focused and good workers because they are not watching the clock waiting to rush out to a party or something.

    I think another reason for the gay guys being very private even in a university town is not everyone is looking for sex but it seems or at least seems from the internet that everyone is so being friends or meeting someone means sex right away. I think that's part of the reason I also stayed and am staying very much in the closet, straight people can have a ton of friends, they can hang out and do normal stuff, work on technology, go to the mall, or whatever, and not have to have sex with each other but try that in the gay world and it seems impossible. Some would just like to have some or a friend who just happens to be the same or someone who doesn't care if you are gay or not and those are hard to find.
     
  17. guitar

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    Footnerd, I'll ditto that point about gay guys being friends as being awkward / only wanting sex. It's been my own experience that a lot of guys have an issue with just being friends & more is expected. A straight guy & girl can hang out & be friends without any expectation of sex. Most gay guys I've tried to hang out with just as friends, there always seems to be an elephant in the room.

    I know it's acedotal - and there are obviously guys who just want to be friends & be a true friend even though you're both gay - but I've encountered it or heard these stories way more often than between straight people.

    Liberty, perhaps online dating (not hookups!) might be a way to meet gay people. There are gay leagues, pride centers, pride events...
     
  18. Footnerd

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    Couldn't have said it better myself, and the there are a lot of gay people I'm sure who don't do so called gay things, might attend pride but not every gay group and club on campus and might find some of the issues boring to them, sometimes you want gay friends to just hang out and do normal stuff with be it school work, tech stuff, going to mall or whatever and if from one of those friendships comes a little more then great but it's just not like that it seems. Don't know why and it's harder for those who are introverted, they might just want some close nerdy friends to hang with long before anything becomes anything more than that.