So its been 4 years since coming out and things have not gotten any better for me. I pretty much never go out and when I do I am completely depressed and feel awkward. People tell me I am boring. I find it hard to fit in to the gay scene because it mostly involves parties and going out late and that is just not me. Shortly after coming out at work I lost my job and 6 months later found myself in a new job where I have been working for the last 3.5 years and completely stressed out the entire time because of the demands of the job and constant reprimands from my boss. I work late almost every day and on weekends, and even on my vacation because I can't get everything done. Despite this, I just got a bad performance review and I just found out they are putting me on a performance improvement plan. I have been applying for new jobs in my field but haven't gotten a single interview. On top of that I am in love with a guy friend who is emotionally dependant on me but straight. I also have a crush on another guy who acts like he wants to be my friend one day then ignores me for days. Frankly, I feel like such a loser in almost every aspect of my life. I tried to get counselling but it doesn't seem to help. I don't want to go on any medications because I don't think I have any chemical problems. My problem is stress. I feel under so much stress when I finish work that I don't have the energy to fix things in my life. I don't know what to do - if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I am thinking of just giving up everything and living in a cave somewhere.
I know, sometimes I just want to become a hermit. Society, the system, people tire me so much.... What I can suggest is: Don't try to fix it all at the same time, you need to see it in parts, taking one step at the time. Breath, try to eat and sleep the best you can, try to relax even if things are going the wrong way, keeping a clear mind can help you see things better. And by this I mean also for you to not bash yourself with thoughts that may cause you more anxiety (ex. "people tell me I'm boring"). It seems you're temporarily stuck with your job, if you truly want to change it, don't give up, keep looking for more options, keep applying. And maybe get some advice to refine your CV, if you think that could be a problem. Being in love with this straight guy will certainly not take you anywhere further, nor clinging to the other one who only looks for you whenever he feels like it. I know we don't choose who we fall in love with, but for your own sanity you should try your best not to attach yourself romantically to either of them. Do you have any other friends that could help you cope with this? Or you can always try to cope online (as many of us do), find friends here, they can be a good support meanwhile things change (or, who knows, maybe they can remain friends for much longer than that). Do vent, let the steam out so it doesn't accumulate inside. This situation won't last forever (even if now it feels like it will), you'll eventually move on, but the key is to not give up. If you start feeling even worse as you try to go on, maybe it is a good idea to get professional help (counselling, therapy, etc.).
