I just want to start off by saying this is just going to seem all over the place because thats how my mind is right now, I'm writing this in place of cutting myself to just get the emotions out but anywho. Well recently my best friend graduated and moved to Maryland and now that he is gone I feel alone with no one to talk to. He was basically the only person I hung out with and now I don't really have anyone, and the only person that I have to hang out with it a boy I have a huge crush on and idk what to do. I need to be around him so im not sad my other friend is gone but because i like him, i dont want to be because i want to be with him and feel that wont happen, I like hanging out with him but at the same time I don't like it. I feel like I grow more and more attached to him and the harder it gets. The tuff part is I'm pretty sure he likes me the same way I like him but then I doubt it and think, no he's straight and is just really friendly. The thing is he likes to hang out with me all the time and just being around each other we make each other very happy, we can do the littlest things and make each other laugh and smile without saying a word. I feel he's not gay but at the same time I feel like he is and its just being screamed in my face. I'm falling for him more and more each day but I feel worse about the situation and myself more also. I just want to be happy but I feel like this would be too perfect to actually be happening. It also sucks that I feel like I have no one to talk to, I want to talk to my friends but I don't want to bother them with this. I also don't really want to come on here because I feel like there are people with other problems and I don't want to take away from them. I just have so many doubt's and problems I feel like its pointless, like I want to be happy but then I feel as though I know that will never happen, I feel like I wasn't meant to be happy, just cruse through life simply existing. My whole world has gone to hell. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep, I've been dealing with depression for over a decade and I know I'm slipping back into it worse then before. I feel so alone and like I have no where to go and the only option is to suffer in silence and hope it gets better. The part that I hate is I told myself never to fall for anyone again unless I knew they were gay or bi but here I am, I fucked up and fell for a boy that I don't know about. But he makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I just want to be happy because I feel so alone. I just want to break down and give up, I want to go far away and be by myself. I feel like nothing ever goes my way so why should this, I just want to give up...
The only thing I can really offer you is this song/video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FooD2-wz6BM Relationships are complicated stuff. I've had friends who I like as a friend and wish they were a lover, and it's just a mess all around. But if you take it day by day, you can make it through. You may want to come out tho this friend, you may not. Coming out was one of the hardest but also one of the best things I've done. If you're worried about how he'll react, test the waters, ask him how he feels about gay marriage or gay people. Many people have felt like giving up, but have kept going and found out it's worth it. You may want to talk to some sort of therapist. Before you do, make sure they aren't the christian extremist "gays will burn in hell" type because that really won't help.
When your mind is all over the place it is difficult to make sense of things, but you did great. You expressed your thoughts and feelings well and I hope it helped to release the tension enough so you didn't cut.. but don't feel bad if you did. According to your profile you are out to the people that matter and I'm wondering if the guy who you like is one of those people? It sounds like he matters to you, so I wonder if you have come out to him? If not, how would you feel about doing so? Could you maybe ask him what kind of person he is looking for in a relationship, without offering any comment about your personal feelings? Such a question might reveal more about his sexual orientation. Just a few things for you to consider. I had a look back at your thread from December before replying:http://emptyclosets.com/forum/physical-sexual-health/163670-no-cares.html It seemed as though you had made some progress with your feelings and friendships and had managed to broaden your social circle. Has something happened since then to set you back to this place of loneliness and depression? Tell us, if you can. Keep talking. We're here for you.
The guy I like, we'll call him taz, knows that I like him because I was too nervous to let taz know so my friend that move away talked to him about it and told taz for me. The day after that taz asked me who I was in a relationship with because "his mom apparently went on facebook and looked at my profile and saw that", which he can't do because he doesn't have his log in info for his. And seemed disappointed to find out I have a girlfriend, which that situation is complicated on its own. But anyway ever since then he started hanging out with me more after he found out I like him. The main issue though is that I like him so much but I don't know how to approach him and everything but I have no one to talk to because all of my friends at school are straight and I feel wouldn't want or be able to help me and the friend that could is in maryland. So I'm depressed that he's moved and that I like a boy I feel is straight. I feel so alone, I don't know what to do and I just don't know. I wish I could just ignore it all and be happy
I don't know what the religious climate there is like, but where I am, Mormonism is extremely dominant. Officially, the religion is ok if you're gay, just as long as you don't act on it. Some of the members are a bit more extreme. But when I came partway out of the closet, I got a lot of support from some extremely conservative mormons, so you never know. Most of my friends are straight, as far as I can tell they're all okay with me being bi, and I just came out. Hopefully someone else can give you some advice on how to tell a straight guy you like him. I'm not ready for that adventure yet, but I suggest you think about telling him you're gay. Or tell him you're not straight instead. It makes such a big difference to have someone to talk to, and I've had some good conversations with some 100% straight friends
