It's so much easier to see clearly during the day. The "what-ifs" still creep into my thoughts, but they're not as loud. There's still an ache in my chest, but it's not as sharp. I can't see the end of this road, but I know it's there, and I know when I get there I'll be ok again. Then night comes along and tangles everything up in my head. My mind races through every possible "what if" imaginable. Everything is awful, everything hurts, and that will never change. Sleep comes in little bursts. I feel sick in between. I can't remember them, but I know I have dreams, and I know what they'd be about, and that just makes the sick feeling worse. This goes on until morning, maybe until the early afternoon. Then I feel empty of everything until that moment of clarity comes again. I wish there was a way to hold on to that "ok" feeling. I wish that, during the downward spiral, I could believe that it will come around again tomorrow. But there's no room for logic when I get like that. Brains are weird. Feelings are weird. I don't want them anymore. Is there a way to avoid losing my grip on... everything? If anyone could answer that I'd be grateful. Otherwise, it just feels good to write this all down in words. And if future me comes here when she can't sleep, likes she's been doing, and looks back at this I just want to say: Go to sleep, dumbass. You're going to be fine.
(*hug*) I am going through a lot of this as well right now. My life is at a point where things are very uncertain. Everything is changing. I have plans for what the future holds, but getting from here to there not simple. It requires a lot of work, so I am trying not to freak out about all the little things that I can't control. For me, one of the things that helps the most is writing and drawing. I am currently working on a story. Not in the hopes of getting it published, but as therapy to deal with all the emotions that have no other avenue to go. Being heartsick and having nothing I can do about it, I decided to write a romance. That way all my pain, desire, uncertainty and anxiety has a constructive rather than destructive path to go. Another thing that has been helping control all the endless pondering about the future is talking with friends and family. I play computer games when I am not writing. Keeping a steady routine helps. Taking small steps to establish more of a plan also eases all the fear. Sleep is still a very big problem for me. When I am too upset to write, the dreams creep in. When this gets too bad I listen to a noise generator. It calms down the spinning downward spiral until sleep is possible.
I'm going to echo alwaysforever's advice. Other things you could try are maybe writing in a journal to help get some of those thoughts out of your head and onto paper, and doing some light exercise to burn off some of that anxiety. I understand your pain, I really do, I've been there many times myself and still get into funks like this. It's really hard, but try to challenge some of these thoughts about the what ifs you're having. Ask yourself how likely the outcome you are imagining truly is. And maybe even try instead to make a plan for how to deal with it if things do indeed go poorly instead of just ruminating on the same worry over and over, that's something that helps me so that I feel a bit more in control.
These things have helped somewhat. I wrote a little last night when I couldn't sleep, and it did make me feel better, at least while I was writing. It was still a rough night, but I guess it's just a process. I've controlled most of my fear about certain aspects of the future, but past regrets are harder. Those kinds of what ifs are pointless to dwell on, I know, but I'm still struggling to let go of them. I'll keep putting effort into the things you've both suggested. Hopefully if I try hard enough things will get easier. Thank you.
I usually just distract and tire myself out until my body give up and I can't stay up anymore and fall directly to sleep. It usually helps me avoid those wandering thoughts between waking and sleeping. I also try to keep myself busy. Constantly doing something. Constantly moving, because I afraid if I stop, I will fall down and never want to get up again.
Exercise of the mind (writing, etc.) but also exercise the body and, if you're spiritual or believe in this, the Soul as well. You've got life energy burning in all of those. It's easier to fall asleep when your muscles are exhausted as well, when you've put them to good use. No need for a heavy routine, walking/strolling (around 30min each day) can certainly start doing the trick—plus, the oxygenation in your brain may help to make those clear moments longer. Your body, mind and Soul reflect whatever you feed them on. Literally and metaphorically. So, eat well, feed your mind with other thoughts, etc. the more time you spend dwelling in an unchangeable past, or in an uncertain future, the less present you are in the things that are Now. You may accumulate more regrets if you don't live what is present, I speak out of experience... Yes, it takes time to let go, but you will eventually, and I think you know it. Go on.
