Helping a Friend Who is Depressed

It sounds like you are trying your best, but beware of trying too hard. If he wishes to confide in you about his feelings let him know you are there and give him the time and space to talk, but don't take on too much yourself.

You have the best of intentions, but sometimes people with depression find it hard to articulate their feelings, especially to people who are close to them. With you he may prefer normal, everyday conversation and that can help him a lot too. To have conversations about issues other than depression brings a sense of normality that depression can strip away and that's really valuable.

Take care not to tease feelings out of him as it could make him more reticent and withdrawn. Your love, warmth and support is already making a difference and you sound like a great friend.

 

As someone who suffer from depression, I seconded this. The thing is, when I am in depression mode, it seriously warps my world view. What you see as trying to help, I see as a passive-aggressive move to push me to do something for you. I will think that you want something from me, and I am suddenly obligated to do things, when currently I am depressed and not wanting to do anything, even if it means good for me.

On the other hand, I appreciate companionship. Just someone being there when I need, hanging out with me casually, don't judge me, don't take pity on me, and try to help without me asking and make me feel like a burden to everyone living. And I would also prefer not being forced into serious talk, and even when I am doing such talk, I also prefer being able to leave whenever I want.

I know it is a pain when dealing with depressed people, and you are a really great friend. I wish you both best of luck.

 

I agree with PatrickUK.

It sounds like you're a great friend, I'm sure you're making a Lot of difference for him, as Patrick said, with your Love, Warmth and Support.

It is a curious thing, I am depressed as well... and I'm also isolating myself, at least in the physical world (as I am here trying to communicate to others)... personally, I need that space, I need to become a ghost for a while to recharge... people and social situations drain me much more that usually (I'm introverted). It helps me a Lot when the few people I choose to open up to show me that they understand and that they care, when we can have deep, beautiful, and inspiring talks about the wonderful things in life... the things I may consider worth living for, or when we share memories, and/or bond in a more spiritual level, etc. That kind of hope helps me try to move on, to grow, to keep trying... but it may not be the case for everyone... I suppose each person lives depression differently, thus the things that may help one may cause a lot of harm on another (?) some people may just need plain silence, just feeling your company, or a bit of small talk. Ask him what he would rather.

I wonder, have you given him the letter? Has he read it yet? Has he replied?

My best wishes to you both, don't let the anxiety bring you down. Things will be better.

 

The letter is a good idea. I know it's hard for you but you need to accept that his isolation is there for a reason and let him have his privacy about it. It would help him to know you accept his depression without trying to "fix" him. Be a frequent but brief presence and I think you will find he will eventually begin to let you help him. Here's some examples. Keep it light.

Stop by his place unexpectedly for five minutes at a time. Tell him some funny thing that happened that day, grab a water maybe, and then say you have to go. Call and ask him for the name of some restaurant you can't remember and then hang up. Send him a text that doesn't require a response. Send a frivolous letter. Then once a week or so ask him to have lunch and check in on him a little but don't pry and keep it light.

If he gets annoyed by your frequent visits, apologize and tell him you will make the visits shorter but don't make them less frequent unless he insists strongly that you stop. He will get used to you popping in and out and will start looking forward to your brief company. He should be able to handle brief visits without if interfering with his need for isolation.

At some point he may stop trying to cover up his depression on your visits. Resist the temptation to view that as an invitation to pry! Be ready to listen but always let him decide when to talk about it.

Hopefully you can pull this off, or some variation of it. Good luck!

 

Why don't you try to make him laugh, instead of reminding him he has a problem?

All the times I've been down, nothing seemed more precious to me than somebody trying to cheer me up, or simply smiling at me.

When it comes to feelings, sometimes it's better to simply show, not talk about them.

 

I'm also not a happy person by nature, and I also like people who is genuine, but you don't need to fake even a smile in order to make someone literally crack up.

Try to remember what he made him smile on the past, what kind of humor does he like. You will be still genuine if your idea is to help him. Your intention is more important than your methods.

There is nothing more healthy than to laugh. And if you can't reach a laugh, at least fight for a smile.

And if all else fails and you think you can do it... Then write a letter to him. You can make it annonymous if you like. And what to write there it's up to you... You could write how much he means to you, no censorship. This might help him, and maybe help you too.

At the end you are doing your best, and I'm sure he'll remember it later.

If you don't try, you'll never know.