This is the first time I actually post anything online about myself, so here it goes: I'm scared of being who I truly am, but I'm starting to get tired of being in the closet :bang: I want people to like me for WHO I AM, but I'm so scared, I've had a therapist and I've been to the psychiatrist, and I was so afraid of not being accepted that I couldn't even tell them. I feel so crappy, I'm scared of being who I am because I feel that people won't accept me. I'm jealous of everyone who is out and proud and is accepted, I wish I had their strength, but I just CAN'T. I've lived a lie for so long, and I just can't take it anymore. I generally have mood swings, and I'm just a total mess. I'm so hard on my self, I'm a horrible person. In high school I would try and stay away of the guys who were called gay behind their backs, I knew some people thought of me as gay, but I did everything possible for them to think otherwise. I'm such a bad person, and I feel so guilty about it. Whenever someone made a gay joke about this guy I'd laugh or contribute to the joke. IM A HORRIBLE PERSON. I feel that i don't deserve to be accepted. IM SO SCARED. I live in constant fear of people finding out who i am, so i hide who i am that way other people don't know the real me. I have friends, but over the years i have lost a few. I have one friend who i feel i cant tell, and i know he wont be judgmental, but im still scared of telling him, because what if he is? i know this is a lot, but there is so much going inside me. Ive tried to post in these websites before, but ive never had the power. i was just in denial. Im so jealous of straight people, i see them all so happy and i tell myself: i'll never have that. that just makes me angrier. :tantrum: :***: I'm leaving for college in fall, so in a way im kind of excited for a fresh start. (even though there are people from my town who will most likely go to my college or know someone there, so it wont be that much of a fresh start) i know this is a lot, and i probably sound like a horrible person, but i just had to get everything out of me. i'm at a point where i want to explote. :help:
Hello and welcome I've had a similar experience. I suffer from depression and I've had several therapists and psychiatrists. However, I was never able to tell them about my orientation. When they asked me if there was someone I liked or if I'd like to have a partner, I usually changed the topic. I came out last year to several people, including my current psychiatrist. I was 21 when I came out and I'd always been afraid of coming out. My experience was positive and I don't regret doing it. You're not a horrible person at all. You're just scared which is normal. I used to think that I would never come out because of my fears. I think a fresh start like college can be good for you. People in college tend to be more mature and less judgemental. Finally, based on my personal experience, when we feel we can trust somebody to tell them about our orientation, we're usually right. That person won't be judgemental and he or she will accept us.
