I keep getting depressed and in need of a work

So maybe I really should create a thread about this (as suggested by Nychthemeron) because I fear that I am getting older and I need to get a job.

As what I've mentioned on the other thread, It started when I had to go to another place in our country for a job interview and it took 2 days for me (with the commuting and food paid by my parents) to reach the destination and with hours of waiting to get my actual interview ended up not getting it. It was kind of a relief for me despite the very tiring travelling I had to do because deep inside I didn't want to get the job because it requires going to Japan and we have to learn basic Japanese language and I don't think my Social anxiety can take it.

And that's another issue for me, I have been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder by my therapist years ago and it has pretty much made me stop from grabbing a lot of opportunities that I should have taken when I was still younger. Thinking I would be good at it, I took Medical Technology as my first course back in college and it has given me a lot of stress and pressure because it was hard as hell and I kept failing so I ended up dropping and switched to Hotel and Restaurant Management which was completely opposite to my personality yet managed to survive 4 years of it.

Cooking interests me and that's the reason why I took it but when we had our apprenticeship and took training for a job as a cook, It felt like everything had to be done in an instant and there's constant pressure that I couldn't get things done and end up quitting.

I decided to take Baking as a short course and even though it was still as stressful as cooking, I find it easier. That's when I realised that these are things that I really like doing as a hobby than an actual work. I liked Baking because it was therapeutic for my anxiety disorder.

And then there's this guy who I was dating that turned out he's still in a relationship with his bf and apparently he was just using me so he could have a "revenge" on his bf who cheated on him first. (I can talk about how I end up meeting his bf in person but that would be too long and awkward) I kinda was deeply hurt by it and has affected my self-esteem which is whatever and my biggest mistake was that I gave him a second chance and it was pretty much like a second punch on my face and it's honestly making me lose interest in the dating scene. I felt like I wasted my time with this guy and it just reminded how I haven't accomplished anything in my life.

I'm starting to think I should switch to a career that I find more passionate about which is Counselling and specifically working on people who also has Avoidant Personality Disorder. The problem is that I would need money for me to go back to school and I can't afford to ask for my parent's money again since they have spent so many shit on me and I haven't paid anything in return. I also think they would be upset on me because I keep changing my mind with what I really want to do in life.

I'm sad, lonely and depressed and have declined connecting to my old friends since I don't think they will welcome me when I tell them that I'm gay. My goal was to come out to my mum before 2014 and since she's been in a lot of stress from her work and it has affected her health, I had to bite my lip again. I really want to talk to someone in real life about my situation (other than my cousin who lives in the US and my therapist) but I have always been a loner because of how people around me talk about their ignorance when it comes to gay people.

I'm sorry if this post is too lengthy and I do appreciate if you read it. I'm not sure what I really want here but I guess this is also a rant as much as of in need of an advice.

 

I am currently working as self-employed baker. While I prefer it, I'm not getting enough money from it. I'll have a talk with my therapist on Monday though.

 

As I have mentioned before, I'm currently working as a self-employed baker but the problem is that I don't really advertise it on social media because I didn't want everyone to know and I much prefer it through word of mouth, lmao. I get paid but it's really not enough to cover up my expenses.

Thanks, David. I really appreciate that.

Thanks for your advice, and you're right there really isn't any shortcut with this issue I'm dealing with. Having Avoidant Personality Disorder has similarities with Social Anxiety Disorder, mine however is much worse like for example, If I know one situation is going to be stressful for me, I already back out in advance. I've been much worse back in the day and I couldn't even buy food from the grocery because of it. It all stems from me being gay and that is why I do want to talk about this to my mum.