As a result of some things that have happened recently, I've realised I have no idea who I am and I don't know how to go about fixing that. Inside I feel like a bunch of contradictions. My mental gender expression in terms of girly tastes and manly tastes is all over the place. It feels like I'm more girl than boy at times. My internal age is all over the place too - my personality bounces between energetic child and adult all the time and sometimes these aspects of my personality combine to give..."interesting" results, such as the other night when I came home from a party completely sober but with the sudden urge to cover my bedroom walls with posters of Disney princesses and boy bands. It was like my brain said, "I'm a teenage girl! Let's party!" (!) I don't understand myself. I know other people find my quirkiness somewhat endearing, but there are days when I think to myself, "Why am I like this? Why am I not a girl, because then at least there would be some justification for the way I seem to be? Why do I feel like a child on the inside when I'm an adult on the outside?" I mean, I suppose it's good that I am like this because at least it makes life more interesting, but it gets tiring trying and failing to justify who I am to myself. How do I go about trying to understand myself, and is it even a good idea?
Painfully slowly and confusingly frustrating. At least that is how it was for me. At first I didn't know what was wrong with me, because there wasn't even a way to describe "transgender" where I came from. The language doesn't even have different words for "gender" and "sex". So I was lost for a while. Then I moved to a new country, learning new things, exploring my sexuality and identity. But then I faced with the opposite situation - even though I know all of these things about gender spectrum and identity, I couldn't place myself anywhere in there yet because there are so many thing I sound like I *could* be. I thought I had multiple personalities once. At one point I thought I had another soul in me and that I was an otherkin. It was so confusing. So more soul searching was needed, more living and experimenting. And after a few year, I found myself. I found myself through life experience, through looking at the big things and small things happening around me and inside me, through seeing what makes me ticks, through noticing the subtle differences that makes me who I am. I found myself, pieces by pieces, like I was born broken and now I have to look for my missing parts, and putting them back together one by one. I finally found myself, the girl that was living inside this body all along, confused, scared, and lost. It was not easy, but here I am finally. My advice for you is just to live and explore yourself. Some require more life experience than others to realize who they are. But all of us takes the same journey, perhaps with different paths, but they are all journeys of self exploration.
Tons of written analysis, followed by testing out my hypotheses with other people. Then there is lots of self doubt to work with, and I typically counter the self doubt with reminders. I have to remind myself that I have a duty to myself to do what feels right, and walk the path in life that will leave me with the least amount of regrets by the time I reach its end. Every step that I take on that path tells me more about who I am.
People are not just black, white or blue... They've got all colours inside, and that's ok, otherwise this world would be filled by zombies in grey suits. There is no need to fit into a box made for someone else. You've got your own box. You might like it or not, but that's your box and that's you. Depending on the kind of people you are with, your real self might be accepted or not, but what others think of you doesn't define you as a person. It's just their opinion, and it defines them, not you. They gave you good advice. It might take time, so be patient, be honest and don't be afraid. It can be fun. In my experience, our desires are usually a very good sign of who we are. So be honest with yourself and don't repress or deny youself any wish, regardless of how crazy it might look to you, 'cause you only live once.
