I'm a newbie by the way.... I've fallen really hard for someone and I hate myself for it. I have enough self-esteem issues as it is. I'm 20 trying to get into college to one day (I really hope) be in the FBI and I'm a feminine lezzy. She's 28 and was in the army. She went to Iraq twice and has a half sleeve tattoo about it. Just the sound of her voice makes me super happy. But, other than the fact that I think she's straight, she's kind of like.... a 'caretaker' for me and she only works every other weekend. It's technically illegal. I know I can never be with this person let alone having to hide everything. But, it hurts a lot. I've gotten the advice to just stop being around her but I can't. When she works I am happy just sitting in the same room. Happier than I have been in a long time. :icon_redf Though it's excruciatingly painful at the same time. I think about her all the time and I'm a creative person, so, I secretly write and draw about her, too. I've been going through a lot of emotional stress on top of this and trying to come out more. I cut myself last week and yesterday night I was so dehydrated that I could have died and I felt happy with the idea of dying in her presence, but, she got me to drink water. I went to the hospital today and I'm in a crisis center getting help, but, I guess what I need is to figure out how to deal with this feeling as painlessly as possible (so, she doesn't get affected by my feelings, I don't care about me). Even though I'm not sure I can give up her presence.
