I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I've gone mad and Im scared… I don't know what to do anymore… Im so scared… I don't feel like I belong in this place anymore.. I just feel so off, so immature, I'm a monster. I've cracked. I'm not able to be normal or be an acceptable citizen. I break down and cry, I am an idiot. I am emotional and weak, and I am no man. I am a weak shrived person. I am stupid. I am retarded. I am pointless and without purpose… What am I to do anymore?
Hey (*hug*) I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Crying and having emotions doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. And I doubt you are a monster. Are there any specific reasons why you're thinking this way about yourself?
because I wasn't born correctly. I wasn't an acceptable human. I wanted to normal, but I was too sick and stupid… enough to the point I needed to be told over and over I made a mistake, and I messed up. I mess up with others, Im socially awkward, thats the end. I messed it up with them. It was my fault, making my parents look bad. My sisters turned out nicely, but I was broken from the start. too idiotic to do math or to read keeping up with the other kids…. what purpose do I have?
You have plenty of purpose mate, You are a human, sometimes people feel like this but you must realize that just because you aren't an intelligent guy doesn't mean anything. I mean look at me I have a disability for my whole life and nothing can take it away ever. I am slow, I make tonnes of mistakes, but I don't call myself out on it. I am socially awkward in some instances like when you are new and I don't even bloody well know you and I'm asked to approach you. Mate you are an acceptable human, every human is acceptable no matter how you feel in your life.
Justinian makes some excellent points. I'm extremely socially awkward too. I've made a million mistakes in my life, and will make millions more. We all have challenges and we all mess up. It's part of being human. You are perfectly acceptable, and you do have purpose.
I still feel hopeless. I've been raise to raise if I mess up once, thats it. Game over. I blew it. Im done. I have failed once again.
Welcome to the world of life, and being HUMAN! Oh wow, I remember all those feelings and emotions when I was younger and around your age. Geez. What torment. I do not know you, so I am unsure of what direction to take this, but I will say what I tell others when they tell me they feel these things and think these things... You are young. Yes, even at 19, you are young. You are changing from child to adult. And unfortunately, not all humans graduate through the change the same way. For some, it's just a day of weird feelings. For others, it's a few months of bad skin or awkward behavior. And for some others, it is a long tormented time of mental anguish and a mega-ton of self doubt. This is more prevalent in those who have gender issues......rather the feelings and emotional state is more aggressive and "dark", because of the stereotypes and bigotry we have been brainwashed with since we were brought into this world. It is not so much of what is wrong with you, as what is wrong with THEM! Those who have taught you, those you have learned from....and even the environment you grew up in and around. You are now having to figure yourself out, and you have conflicts going on in your brain between how you feel, what you know about yourself, and what you have been taught growing up....as well as the idiotic crap of what your parents can dish out on you. YOU did not place yourself on this planet, your parents did. If they want to place blame on anyone, they need to blame THEMSELVES if they cannot accept you for the person you are......the person THEY made! You need to UNlearn all the bullshit, lies, and garbage you were raised with and taught. Then you need to learn what it is to be you, who YOU are, not who OTHERS think you should be! It is YOUR life, not THEIR life! Learn what it is to be you, be yourself, and learn how to be the human being YOU want to be. Everybody else can go fuck off, including your parents, if they don't like it. Sometimes learning to become your own person results in some very difficult decisions, such as leaving your family to their own devices, and going off to live your life, your way. Becoming an adult is not the same for everyone. You have to find the best way to figure out your way into adulthood, that will give you the knowledge and know how to exist in this big, bad world. You do NOT need anybody in your life who drags you down. They are either jealous or just plain stupid and ignorant. And nobody needs that crap in their lives. You have to figure out what you need to learn to help you become a functioning adult. You have to figure out what you need to learn in order to exist in the adult world, and what works best for you. Once you start learning how to take care of yourself, and learn that you don't need other peoples baggage and ignorance weighing you down, you will be able to figure out how to maneuver into the world of adulthood. And that will help you figure out who you are, what you want out of life, and hopefully how to get it. It is a fight, but you have to fight it. You have to kill those bad thoughts and ideas in your head. YOU have to be your own best friend, because you know you better than anyone else!!!! As my granny told me a long time ago......... Learn all that is learnable, know all that is knowable......because nobody is going to take care of you, except you.
