I'm feeling kind of lost, so I'm going to let everything out. I am a man. I'm kind of nerdy and quiet and spineless, but I didn't suspect in childhood that I'd grow up to be gay. Ever since puberty, I've felt attracted to men sexually. At first I got pleasure from imagining I was a muscular superhero, and then I discovered porn. But I never felt any emotional attraction to anyone so I just didn't confront that fact. I just looked at porn and compartmentalized. I was never very popular. I didn't have many close friends. If any, I just had one or two friends at a time. Catholicism was/is a big part of my life. I've been a pretty devout believer since I was eight or so, and it's given me a lot of support. I attended church and those conferences where everyone falls on the ground, and I totally understand what it means to feel overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit and feel connected to something overpoweringly pure and incorruptible and righteous. It's amazing to feel like you've tapped into Truth and are living for the sake of an idea. Unlike many people here, I grew up in a town surrounded by secular leftist people who scorned religious people. They saw me as nerdy and boring and not worth knowing. I saw them as shallow and hedonistic. On top of the nerdiness, this made me an outcast. I defined myself against them. I tried to take pride in my isolation. Eventually, I did make very good friends, but only once I left town. I am in university now. I had moved to a new town, away from some good friends I'd recently made. I had not realized I had forgotten how to be alone, and suddenly I was an outcast again. I was so lonely. And then this one guy was kind of nice to me, and suddenly I became infatuated with someone for the first time. It is a man. He is straight. It has been six months, and I am still kind of panicking. He's athletic, and he came across as quiet and deliberate and kind, passionate about lots of interesting things I'd never been into, easy to inspire and adamant on following through. I know now that he's more of a stereotypical jock than I thought, though, always on about banging girls he doesn't care about and drinking and beer pong. And he makes uncomfortable comments about people who are older or fatter. But he's still generally nice. I didn't really know what to do, and I was still struggling with religion, so I just tried to befriend him. I have no idea how to talk to someone while hiding my raging emotions, and I got clingy, and now we're just sort of awkward acquaintances. We hardly talk, except for maybe one-minute standard chats in the halls. I know I should let him go, and that I can't hope for a relationship as long as he likes girls and not men, but I'm still thinking about him all the time. I feel like all I do is fantasize about him and feel terrified about being attracted to men. I haven't been doing my work. I've just been freaking out and trying to feel better about obsessing over him while he probably never thinks of me outside of us seeing each other in class. I can't tell whether I should try and improve our relationship as friends or try to cut him off entirely. I have to see him daily anyways. I think he's only interested in me as a colleague, and it hurts. When I talk to him, I feel okay, because I sense a degree of incompatibility, but after we talk all I can do is dream about him and I can't focus. On top of that, this has brought my doubts in the church to a head. I have such strong belief in the church's conservative morality and it feels wrong to consider pursuing men, but at the same time I've also internalized the pro-LGBT message of society. I feel like I'm engaging in doublethink, like I'm caught between mindlessly following tradition and mindlessly following society. And if I can't trust my moral instincts, I don't think I could believe any standard of good/evil/right/wrong exists outside people's heads. I don't think I'd believe in anything, and that scares me to death. I feel so disappointed in Christianity and God for promising me something unambiguously good I could live and die for - that I was willing to live and die for - and then giving me just a shadow of that which can't grow up alongside me. On top of that, I feel sheltered and inadequate. I feel like most people my age (early twenties) have gone through this before have figured something out. They know how to interact with people and socialize. They have some measure of independent beliefs and values and identity established. They know how to go out to bars and have a good time. They've had sex. I feel like isolating myself has prevented me from learning to be an adult, and from becoming independent. I went to maybe one event this year and I had my parents pick me up. Incidentally, my crush saw. That's it for now. Whats my next step?
I'm pleased you took the time to let out all of your thoughts and feelings and I hope it was in some way helpful, or even cathartic to unburden yourself of it all. There is no wonder you feel so lost right now. There are so many strands to your feelings that it seems rather difficult to know where to begin. Maybe if you could see things in isolation it would help you to move forward, but right now it's akin to a tangled ball of wool, with no clear beginning or end. You exacerbate your situation by viewing yourself in a rather negative way; describing yourself as spineless, sheltered and inadequate. Whilst you may genuinely feel that way, it's important to watch your language and avoid catastrophic terms that have the effect of further dragging down your mood. You wrote with a good measure of maturity and eloquence and I'm confident you can find a less damaging way of describing the very real feelings you have right now. I will touch on the key points/issues, as I see them, but you may need to clarify or correct any misunderstandings. Don't worry about doing that, as I'd rather understand things from your perspective than make assumptions that may be somewhat removed from your reality. It sounds like you readily accepted the conservative moral theology of the Catholic faith, which for a long time brought you a sense of comfort and support. I'm guessing it still does in many ways, despite the conflict with your sexuality? I can certainly understand why it's difficult to let go of all of that, afterall it's given your life a certain amount of structure and stability, even when your townsfolk were scornful, but do you really have to let go of all of it? I'm not Catholic myself, but I am aware of different opinions within Catholicism on moral issues and if you examine Pope Francis' comments against his predecessors there is clearly a softening in tone and language, with a call to greater acceptance. Your own moral instincts seem to be driven by a readiness to accept more conservative Catholic values and I'm wondering if you could see your way towards adopting a more conciliatory approach? That's not to suggest abandonment of the most fundamental devotion to Christ and the Church, or acceptance of "shallow and hedonistic" values that you always turned away from, but just a way of seeing things that is more in step with society and the feelings and opinions of many lay members of your own Church. If you could do this it may lessen the tension that exists between your faith and sexuality and bring you further along with self acceptance. What do you think? While all of this tension remains, I would strongly advise you to curtail any porn viewing habits as this may add fuel the sense of inner conflict. Moving to University was clearly an unsettling experience for you, with renewed feelings of loneliness and isolation, so it must have come as a welcome relief to find a kind and interesting person with whom you could converse. When you are short of friends it's natural that you should wish to maintain contact with people who have made an effort to befriend you, even if they are somewhat different in terms of character, but there is a risk in placing too much emphasis on your relationship with one individual. Although he is attractive, I wonder if your crush is actually one of those people who you might have (taken pride) in avoiding back home? Are these the attitudes that you would, in the past, have found shallow or hedonistic? If the answer is yes, what does that tell you about the shift in your feelings and where does that leave you? I don't know what your University is like, but many have clubs and activity groups where you can make new friends (people more like you perhaps?). If you could find a way to open up to new friends it may help to reduce the emphasis on your crush and broaden your horizons. I'll stop there as this has become a very long reply, but if you would like to talk some more about one or all of these issues please come back to the thread or contact me.
Thank you for your reply Patrick. I appreciate the understand in your response. The thing that stands out most to me from what I said and what you've picked out is that I've been very dramatic and judgemental. You're right. He is the kind of person I would have written off as shallow and hedonistic. I've suppose I might be inclined to putting people in boxes based some absolutist dichotomy, and it's kind of embarrassing to see that reflected in my words. To be honest, my feelings have cooled since I realized he is like that. I find your question about how it might reflect changing values on my part quite interesting. I suppose it shows that I'm starting to acknowledge that I'm the one whose fundamental worldview is wrong, and that I am starting to feel, well, sheltered instead of superior for being unable to be comfortable with other people's subcultures. Maybe I'm even idolizing them, whether that's healthy or not. Catholicism appeals to me because it claims its principles are authoritative and reflective of absolute truth, and it's the only ideology that backed that up by inspiring passion and spiritual experiences. I've felt like water and fire was flowing through my blood. If any feeling legitimately indicates that God is speaking to you, it's that. And if it is authoritative, a conciliatory approach came across to me as compromising on truth for plausibility. It feels like I am sacrificing something that's proven itself to me, in a sense, for a belief that fits the times or that is easier to follow. I don't think I can call myself Catholic while openly rejecting parts of Catholicism. And the instinct that tells me the church is right are the ones that tell me that there is a God, and more importantly that there is an objective right and wrong at all. I think if I ignored that instinct on one count, I couldn't really trust me on the others, and I'd have to adopt a more nihilist view of the world to be intellectually honest. I guess I might have to go through that stage, though. Like you've noticed, though, I have been hypocritical about it anyways, and I would like to get more control over my feeling and beliefs and bring them into sync. I think cutting down on the fantasies and porn might be a good idea. I guess I've always had very high expectations and standards, and applying to to myself does make me rather hard on myself. I really don't like the idea of just accepting flaws without making efforts based on a concrete plan to resolve them. I like to think I try to be accepting and don't actively write people off too often, but I suppose I might have been doing more tolerating than accepting, per se. I'm not sure how I feel about him anyhow. When I see him and talk to him and it's comfortable, I just feel casual friendship. I don't really know how to respond to what he says a lot, and that leads to awkwardness. Yet when he's in my presence and not talking to me, or when I'm alone, it is like half of my attention is automatically drawn to him. At times I'm almost convinced I'm in love, when I am clearly not. At the least, I think I have mostly accepted that I am unlikely to be friends or lovers with him, though if he ever gives me the smallest signals that he's willing to try either I confess I am tempted to jump at it.
You know, I was actually quite excited to get to know him even before I had the crush. It was one part loneliness, one part him being kind, and one part him being a "type of person" I hadn't related to before. I do want to try filling my needs with others though. Gonna try laying the focus off him for a while.
