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Nothing is Right Anymore

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Folieadeux, Mar 19, 2015.

  1. Folieadeux

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    I sort of self diagnosed myself with depression, and I guess I just need somewhere to rant so I apologize for the upcoming wall of text.

    First things first I cry so much that I'm surprised that there is any water left in my body. I get triggered by something so small as my parents walking upstairs, when my parents don't get me something from the store I wanted, when something wasn't the color I wanted it to be, among many others. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. It takes everything in my power not to burst out in tears during class. I hate it so much, but I can't help it. I am so lonely it's crazy. I tell myself I don't need anyone and that I'm better alone, but I think it's just an excuse to say that I'm fine. I'm not. I literally have one or two friends, and I wouldn't even consider them best friends. I have no one I can constantly turn to. No one I love or admire, or want to hang out with. I have plenty of people that I like and talk to, but I'm no ones #1. I've drifted away from my only good friend and I distance myself from anyone else. I don't even have any friends on the internet. Every time I see a post on tumblr or whatever and someone tags a friend, a little bit of me dies, knowing that I'm alone even on a place where millions of people are. I started cutting myself a while ago, and I thought I was okay for a while until I did it again last night. I don't even know why I started, I don't know why I do it, it doesn't help, but it's just there. My body dysphoria sucks and I'm honestly scared as hell for what my body will look like when I'm an adult and I don't think I can handle it. My social dysphoria is through the roof considering I'm barely out to anyone including my parents. I get misgendered dozens and dozens of times a day and I am on the brink of losing it. School is pretty stressful, and of course doesn't help but I don't think it has that big of a part in my life right now. I manage grades well. Some days I'm perfectly fine and even happy, but one thing happens to ruin it all. For example, I had a good day today at school, but when I asked my dad to get me some skittles for a thing I want to try out, and he forgot, I barely made it to my room before I started sobbing. I know that it isn't normal to cry that much for such a small thing, but obviously it's much more than that. I feel like everything is bottled out and it pours out all at once. I can't help but think when I walk by the street or by the water how easy it would be to step in front of a car, or climb over the ledge and just jump. I don't think I would ever go through with it though. It scares me, and I don't know why I think about these things even though it's just a fleeting thought.

    I'm still a young teen, and I don't know who I can talk to in real life. I don't like my parents that much and I wouldn't trust them with this information. The only person I can think of it my sister, but I don't have the guts to tell her this. The last thing I want is for everyone to get worried and try and get me medical help. I just want to be alone and deal with it myself, but I know it won't help.

    I don't know what the point is of this, but I just wanted to get it out there.
     
  2. bingostring

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    I am no expert but all the things you say do sound like depression. From the crying to the isolating yourself from others.

    So I would suggest you read up about it and try and get some outside advice. Confidentially if you can. It is an illness after all but it may need special professional help if it is overwhelming.

    What about your doctor or a school counsellor.

    Opening up to just one other person you trust in real life would make a difference. Its the bottling it up inside your head that causes the stress and anxiety that lead to depression