My main question is why do I feel alone and what can I do to change it. To start out I live in a small town, we literally have one stoplight and that's it for as long as I've known I was gay I've had no friends that were (graduating class of 60 kids) and no one to turn to for guidance. I have always just been on my own to figure things out for myself which is why I have no clue how to approach a guy, and as you can guess from that I've never had a boyfriend although I have fooled around with two friends. I'm also quite masculine so I feel gay people I meet have no clue I'm gay. No one has ever came up to me and flirted or anything and I know its not because I'm off putting because I always catch guys and girls staring at me. I have a lot of insecurities and anxiety which help so much with wanting to meet guys and such. The main point of this is I really feel I have no where to go to just talk and get advice, I have many friends that say and tell me I can talk to them if anything bothers me or need to talk but I feel they couldn't help me completely. I've posted on EC many times but still feel like it does me no good all my issues are so deep that they won't be easy fixes. I always take peoples advice but it never really gets me anywhere because I always revert to the same feelings and I end up feeling like I'm just bothering people with the same problems over and over. Then I think to come on here to get advice but I don't feel like this is a place for me, there isn't one. I'm kept my problems to myself for so long that I'm use to doing such and keeping them to myself. I just feel I have no where to go and no where to get help. I feel so alone and yet I'm okay with it, I guess because I'm use to it. I want to be happy and have what i see others having, I want to have a boyfriend to hold me and someone I can relax with and some one I can take down the giant walls I have put up with. But I feel like that won't happen and that's become my normal what I'm use to. I have become okay with being alone but not in a good way, I constantly put myself down and, like when I see a happy gay couple my age on the internet or in person, tell myself that will never happen I should just be happy alone. It just sucks that I've accepted this as my normal . I just feel alone in all sense of the word.
It makes a difference whether you are younger or older (not sure from your post) And whether you intend to stay in your town in the longer term Or move to a bigger city Or go to university? If you are in a small place, the chances are there are the usual 5% of gay/bi people around. They are just invisible. Like you are invisible because you are so straight acting. So maybe it comes down to finding the right social groups and generally socialise more to get to know more people (improving your chances statistically) or find an LGBT support group maybe in a nearby town ? Moving to a bigger city opens up possibilities. But it is not a guarantee that you will behave differently than you do now. What is your 5-year plan for life anyway?
When I look back through your posts and replies it's clear that you have been (and still are) dealing with a number of deep seated and painful issues, some of which are present, others past. When there are so many strands to your feelings it can be very difficult to identify and separate everything out, but that's really what needs to happen for you to move forward. It's good that you have hopes and aspirations and that you are open to receiving wisdom and advice from members here and elswewhere, but since you continue to revert to the same feelings and patterns, maybe you need more than advice. Maybe you need to find your own, empowering way to bring down the walls and find a permanent fix? With that in mind, how would you feel about therapy (again)? It would be hard and you would need to put in a lot of self work, but if you are willing to engage with the process and confront issues you could come out of it with more strength and determination. As things stand you are trapped in a cycle that is far removed from what you are seeking from life and it's time to take control. What do you think?
Probably your expectations about people are too high, that is why you don't really feel interested on anyone. I'm not saying it's the wall itself, but it helps to keep it. Looking for a homosexual relationship on such a tiny town can be not only a challenge, but it can give you a lot of troubles as well, if the town is full of homophobes and someone for whatever reason spreads the rumor... I'd get out of there asap. I also wouldn't. jump into a relationship if I had been isolated socially. You need first at least a couple of good friends around. This will really make a difference in your life, by helping you in opening up a bit, step by step, at your own pace, before you go after something bigger like a relationship. I've been always on my own. I grew up as a single child and had to keep myself happy and entertained since I can remember. It can be a good thing if you learn how to deal with it, also you have more time for your hobbies, or to pursue a career, which is imo way more important than anything... After all it's your career what pays the bills. At the end it doesn't matter if you are social or not : We are in a way all in our own. We can have people around, and these people can walk at our side, but... Nothing lasts forever, and the sooner you realize this, the better. Don't expect anyone to enter your life and save you from yourself, that's a private battle. Am I making some sense to you?
To fill in some of the blanks I'm 20 years old and I am currently away at a trade school to become a automotive technition. In the past I have thought about moving to a bigger city but it would just be to much of a high paced life for me. I have to much growing anxiety to live in a city. I have lived in the county for my whole life and I just like living in the country and unfortunately I like country boys. I have also thought about talking to a therapist but it takes me a long time to warm up to people enough to take down my walls and let people in. I, on my own have come a long way. A few years ago I was in a dark place and planned on commuting suicide. I didn't care if I hurt anyone or made them sad, but now I only have problems with feeling alone and isolated, like I have no one to get advice from. As it comes to standards of people I like and friends, I have problems with actually letting people I like know that I like them, I had a friend that I was attracted to and it wasn't until after he graduated that I let him know via text that I liked him and then it was to late. To be honest I have no problem making friend because I am outgoing and easy to talk to but I don't have the balls to tell someone I like that I like them. Also the friends I have that I can talk to I really can't rely on for anything more then emotional support.
I just like to say I have hit a low spot looking at gay couples on tumblr which I know I shouldn't have done and I brought myself down. I kept telling myself that that would never be me, I'll never be happy like them. And I also alone except for EC and I feel like I should just accept the fact that I have no one, in person, to turn to and I will be most likely always be alone. I want a relation ship but that won't happen... I don't know I'm just saying this to try to fight off a panic attack and feel this a just place to say this.
Never me... I'll never be happy (like them)... I have no one... always be alone... won't happen... I should just accept the fact Do you see how overwhelmingly negative all of that sounds when it's pieced together 1 lost boy? I haven't made it up - it's all taken from your posting and it sounds pretty catastrophic, don't you think? When you are dwelling so heavily on negatives like that, and presenting them as fact there is no wonder you feel so low; you have, indeed, brought yourself down with the language you are using. The only positive thing I could see was your assertion that you want a relationship, but you immediately followed it up with - "that won't happen". Rather than thinking "that won't happen", how about asking yourself how it could happen? What do you think you need to do to make it happen? "I can't" or "it won't" is not an answer. Rather than dismissing the question or any possibility of change, try to focus on the essence of the question and come up with some answers. Give it a go.
I feel you bro :/ I am also from a small town, and I don't have any LGBT friends who I can turn to for advice and support. It's hard I know. I've been really used to being alone too. I have friends, but I just need someone who can relate to THIS particular struggle in my life and I don't have that right now. I know how it feels to not be the stereotype "gay" and to feel like anyone around you who is won't know. Don't give up hope Someday you'll meet a wonderful guy and he'll be totally worth the wait. Are you planning on moving anywhere were it might be easier to meet other LGBT people and potential partners? Feel free to post on my wall if you want to talk about anything. I would be happy to chat.
