My brain might pop (literally, figuratively, who knows, not me)- a rant

Hello there and welcome to EC, Matt. Not trying to imitate a self help club greeting here by the way...

I've been there a million times. I also know how hard is to live your life like an actor, specially since you didn't had the option to acept the role.

I could write here a novel, but it basically comes to this : We are different. Not better, not worse, just different. And this is us, it won't change, so we need to carry on, to build something. What can we change? Generally speaking, only ourselves. So forgive them, forgive them because they have no ..... idea of what they are really doing. To forgive is a good way to keep the emotional distance. We all would love loving parents, but what shall we do if there is no options? Obviously you look for a way to try to deal emotionally with it. My way was forgiveness, your way might be to see them as inferior creatures... Whatever it is, it doesn't even have to be "nice", or "right", what matters is that you make yourself stop hurting.

I think you have been running away from yourself for too long. You might have developed self hate, and need to deal with it. The idea that there is something wrong with you might be engraved deep inside you, and probably it won't be easy to change that quickly, but it can be done if you want to.

Others will give you advice soon. I have tried to help you, and right now this is what I can give to you under my own circumstances. I sincerely hope this has been useful to you.

In any case, know that I have seen myself in you... Because you are not on your own about the stuff you described, trust me. I have a phd in running away from myself.

Again, welcome to EC.

 

You've got a lot going for you. You are at a great age, and you are able to take care of yourself. you're independent. you're experiencing life.
eventually, you are likely to find someone who you really care about, someone with whom you do connect emotionally. that will thrust you into a difficult situation. then, it's no longer about you. it will be about how much you respect him, and your relationship.
of course, you could always keep in the closet, never fall in love, never have a serious relationship, out of fear of your parents' reaction. that would be very sad.
really, you don't know how they will reaction. maybe they'll recall that they are supposed to love other people, not judge them. maybe not. but the bottom line is that you can't live their lives for them any more than they can live your life for you. They make their choices, and you are free to make your choice as well.
as adult children, the only power that we have over our parents is our presence. If they choose not to accept you, they will be deprived of your presence. they will love. that is very painful for parents, to be deprived of their children's presence, even when it is their own choice.
but for you, you know who you are. the sooner you get it over with, the sooner you will feel free to be your authentic self and live your life as the person you know that you are. yeah, it's really hard. but it sounds like you are ready to let them know. write them, text then, send them an email, a text or a letter. Just get it out there. and if they freak out, that's their problem. let them know that you love them and that you always will. but we are who we are, and living a lie is never the right thing to do.

 

Well, another thing is that people get told they'll meet the right person so some assume they HAVE to be with someone. You don't need a relationship to be fulfilled, and as long as you don't fully love yourself and be honest with yourself, how can you love a partner and be honest with them? It's more important to be happy with yourself first so you're not dependent on a partner for your value and self-worth.

My parents very much rejected me (my dad beat the shit out of me and waved a gun in my face) and I felt like I had no value whatever. I also was a kid still and had no financial stability or anyone to turn to. You're in a position now where you're lying to people you love, but do they love you, or do they love the idea of you? If they love YOU, it doesn't matter if you're gay. It only matters if they only love the idea of you.

22 is young, kiddo. I didn't meet my partner until I was 30. He was 35. Don't be in a rush for something you're not able to be a full and committed participant in, and don't settle.

 

I was where you are for too long, denying who you are will only drive you into despair. I'v come to the end of the stage you're at, I just need the push to actually come out. But for you uber religious parents adds a degree of difficulty, luckily though you live in a reasonably accepting state. I would probably try coming out to friends first or maybe extended family? But I've seen a fair few coming out videos on YT with religious parents and most of them when faced with the reality of homosexuality are very accepting, it's one thing preaching about what a 2000 year old autobiography tells us about gays, it's very different when your flesh and blood is reaching out to you at a very emotional level. Suddenly everything you thought about gay people is very different.

 

I think it would be a very positive step for you Matt. It won't be easy and it would require a fair bit of work and engagement from you, but it sounds like you are prepared for it and want to find a way of moving forward.

 

As another resident of SoCal, I have to say it depends where you live. My husband and I live in a fairly conservative SoCal city so we have issues with homophobic residents now and then. But it's close to our jobs so we're not moving, and since we're both out, we attract an LGBT+ customer/patient base, which I sincerely hope makes living here easier for them.


I understand not wanting to come out to your parents--you're content with the way things are. But when you do feel ready for a relationship, will you continue to hide it? My long-standing refusal to be "out" in public was a serious bone of contention between my husband and myself early in our relationship. My parents were no longer part of the picture (both are deceased) but I didn't even want his parents to know we were dating.

 

It sounds like you've got your parents figured out, and know how to handle them. that's pretty funny about believing the earth is 7,000 years old and all that stuff. It's great that you can still love them in their ignorance. and sometimes that is the best thing to do. good luck with the therapy. (*hug*)

 

Never before have I thought it possible to fall in love based solely on words someone wrote. Well, you had me at "telling him would be a spin on the roulette wheel of shitty reactions"...the picture that paints...awesome. And I think insomniomaniacal daze would be great on a T-shirt. Mmm...perfect.

Well you are definitely jaded, depressed and angry...your rant reminds me a lot of me and how I've felt and at times still feel. It took me a long time to understand just how angry, pissed at the word and cheated out of a "real life" I really felt. Its hard to describe since Im not one quick to anger, I didn't feel mad....yet along with fearand anxiety it was something I've carried deep down with me a long time and still work to keep in check.

You seem fairly intelligent and have a pretty good handle on your situation. Even more than therapy, I think if that friend you were talking about is someone you can really talk to, that might almost do you just as well to be able to have someone you can be completely honest with, they like you for you and maybe just vent occasionally.

Not that therapy wouldn't help too...and in lieu of having a friend like that its the only option for some. For methough, I'm not really big on therapy for several reasons. If it works for you, great. For me, as an idealistic romantic at heart, I cope best sometimes when I close my eyes and imagine that perfect someone holding me as tight as I'm holding on to him. For just a second its real enough that I can feel the calm, peace and serenity I need to get focused enough to press on with the rest of my day. Who knows maybe one day, it will be real?

Until then have faith that somebody, somewhere thinks you're worth holding on to and one day you'll find him.

GOOD LUCK
SCANNER

 

From what I read, you are in a different position than most gay teenagers I write advice about to. I know it is hard for you but you really need to come out to your parents. Putting on a mask in front of them is only going to make you resent yourself more and more. You are turning to drinking as an outlet for your anxiety and that is a huge red flag. You need to get therapy and figure out ways to deal with your anxiety and depression. I can at least tell you who to come to first if you will do so.

1. Friends
2. Siblings
3. Parents
4. Extended Family (If at all)

 

Matt, I'm glad to see you are doing ok now. Things will get better, the more you look for solutions like (good) therapy, the better you will do for yourself.

You and me, and everyone... We do need people at our side, allies, there is nothing wrong with that. The more you isolate yourself, the more troubles will bite your arse. No man is an island, we do need each other. I think EC is one of the few places where you can share your stuff on a secure enviroment.

To focus on your work is a good thing right now. As I've told you, you need to put some emotional distance between you and your parents, so whatever comes from them won't hurt you. At least that was my experience with my mother, a huge homophobe and the rest. I just put distance between us, we talk max. 30 minutes like 3-4 times/year, and there is no room in such a short time for her to end up with one of her important speeches on life and everything.

Things will change, the more you get allies at your side, the more you feel ok with sharing freely, openly, just what's on your mind, you'll see things different.

As I've said, I'm glad to see you are doing ok. Good work there!

 

It's a hurdle crossed Matt. Okay, so it might have been by text, but the point is, you did it! You may not rush to tell someone else, but you have made a big step forward and you can maybe now give some time and thought to the next step/s. Remember we are here if you need help or support.

 

Congratulations! doesn't matter how you did it, fact is that you did it. it gets easier coming out each time we do it. you're out! even if it's only to one person. that's wonderful. (*hug*)