I'm a closeted gay guy living in Mumbai India. I've been trying my best to keep my feelings to myself given the stigma attached to gays in my country. But sometimes, I give in and seek out men online to have one night stands with... the next day I feel disgusted... not with the sex, but with the way it went down. But somehow, I have learnt to live with that too. But recently, after a night of heavy drinking, I made out with a friend, who I didn't know was into men till that point. Now, I feel so embarrassed and don't know how to deal with this. It's making me feel like a coward and that makes me hate myself...
I'm pleased you have joined EC and created this thread. It can't be easy for you to hide and suppress your feelings and I hope you will find it helpful to come here and be more open about everything. It's a safe place to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. Have you seen you your friend since making out with him? What are you most concerned about? Tell us, if you can. Are the feelings of self hate connected to what happened that night or are they more general feelings about your sexuality? If you can tell us a little bit more we will understand better and try to help and offer support. While you are here, take a look around the forum and join in some of the other threads, if you wish.
Definitely talk to your friend about it. It is the best way to get past the embarrassment. And connecting with other "real people" is definitely a better and safer way to express your sexuality than the random hookups.
PatrikUK, my feelings of hate are not to do with what happened that night or my sexuality but with my inability to deal with the world around me... It's like I can't stand up for myself. I feel inadequate and that makes me feel disappointed in myself. Wildside, I know it's safer to express myself to friends than strangers but when it comes to the matter of being gay, one can't be too sure about who one's friends are over here. I know it sounds cynical but it's true. And no, I haven't spoken to that friend since... I'm not sure why but I haven't been able to get myself to do it.
