So this is a bit of an intimate concern but hell, why not?! I came out around thanksgiving and while it's been a really rough road, I'm finally on an upswing. After several months of letting it all sink in, I believe that I am ready to start dating. I joined a few dating websites and have chatted with a bunch of nice guys. If we both eventually decide that we would like to meet one another, for some reason I am always asked if I am a top or a bottom which I don't like because it gives me the impression that the think we are going to have sex on a first date. If I wanted a hookup, I'd join a hookup site, not a dating site. I have never had sex with a man and when asked this question, I'm always honest about it. I've had several guys straight off the bat tell me, oh then maybe we shouldn't meet as I don't necessary feel comfortable being a guy's first. In light of this, I feel the need to ask, do I need to join a hookup site and have sex with some random guy just so that guys who I might potentially want to date will not feel so intimidated? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Also to further complicate things, guys sometimes ask am I a virgin. I've had sex with women so I of course say no.
I would definitely advise against it. The mindset being not being someone's first is a result of the stereotype that people tend to become emotionally attached to the first people that they have sex with. It becomes special for them. It ultimately doesn't matter whether this stereotype applies to most people or is largely incorrect (as I would argue), because the main point that you are getting from potential partners who don't want to be your first is that they don't want you to get emotionally attached to them. They don't want you to call them the next day. They don't want anymore more than a sexual experience because if they did there wouldn't be any worry of the inexperienced partner feeling a bit of a connection afterwards. Those are the type of people you will want to avoid at all costs if you are seeking something more.
Most dating sites involve people looking for sex, especially those who want a chuck and fuck. If you are looking for a relationship or even a gay friend, believe me, dating sites aren't a good idea. Not saying you won't find someone special, but it is very difficult. On the contrary, you'll find a lot of sexually starved blokes on dating sites. But they do have a point, maybe your first time with a guy should be special. Not some monster-mash with a gorilla who'll be banging someone else in a few hours.
Thank you both for responding so quickly to my initial post. The advice/suggestions are of course always welcomed. @Typhoon: So if you're saying that dating sites are not the best place to find someone interested in a relationship, and hookup sites of course pose the same problem, then in what kind of a setting am I most likely to find someone/a group of people who are interested in dating/ something more serious than just a "chuck and fuck."? Just had to mention that your line "monster mash with a gorilla who'll be banging someone else in a few hours" had me on the floor.
I don't necessarily agree with the view that all/most dating sites should be off limits for people who are looking for a real relationship. I think there are better ways to meet people, but some dating sites can (and do) achieve good results. You might not meet "Mr Right" at the first attempt, but let's be honest and admit that it's true of life beyond dating sites too. Whether we like it or not, more and more people are meeting via the internet and it's a trend that is likely to continue well into the future. Whilst it's true that some people join dating sites for the wrong reasons (to hook up and have sex) many join for precisely the right reasons and it's a case of being open to meeting them. If you agree to dates with other members on a whim and abandon all common sense you are going to be disappointed or worse by the experience. Before joining a dating site do your research and learn about the do's and don'ts of online dating. There is plenty of useful information out there, so take time to read and understand it before you set about creating a profile. If you have already created a profile go back and amend it, if necessary. It can save you a lot of time, effort and heartache in the long run. As for hooking up with people for sex - bad idea. If that's not what you want, don't do it. I can't add much to what Gen said about that.
OK,a lot of ground to cover. You can meet the guy of your dreams anywhere. I met my current bf on a hookup site & we were both just looking for dates. If you want some general advice about dating & sites, check out the thread Do's & Don'ts of Online Dating from a few weeks back in the coming out section. With regards to lack of experience, why not tell a white lie? Mention you don't have "much experience" but leave the Virgin thing out of it. Too much is made about your first time IMO. My first time trying to drive a car, trying to skate or play guitar were all bad. Sex is usually no different. Your first time is probably going to be awkward & gets better over time as you try new things & get used to your body & someone else's. That being said, you probably want your first time to be with someone you at least kind of like & feel a connection with.
Just a random observation, but I personally have seen maybe a bit more success at finding a few guys not looking for hookups on dating sites that are not *just* for gay guys, but some of the bigger ones that are for straight people and also gay people. Don't go out and have a random hookup for the wrong reasons, only do that if it's really what you want for you. If not, then don't. My advise in general would be to continue being honest, and the good ones will be likely to respond well to that imo. The 'others' who don't may be numerous but they're probably just saving you time anyways.
@Guitar - The problem is they usually ask are you a top or bottom. If I've never had sex with a guy, I can't exactly lie and just choose one randomly lol @Aboutface - That's a good idea. I guess i just need to be honest with myself and honest with what I currently want vs what I ultimately want in the future.
Just say, not into anal or say you are versatile.. That leaves plenty of wiggle room. Otherwise, stay true to yourself. Don't do things just cause you think it's expected, like oh he bought dinner, I better put out.
I'll second Kindy, just say versatile or even say you don't have experience bottoming. Do you have any idea which position you might like? Maybe go with that answer. BTW Kindy, love that quote from master Kan, huge Kung Fu fan
I'm in your shoes. I actually started a thread asking for dating advice last month. There's some excellent advice there: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/168861-dos-donts-online-dating.html You absolutely do not nor should you feel like you have to hook up with someone casually just so other dating prospects won't "feel intimidated." If you're looking for a serious relationship, the right guy won't care if you're inexperienced, and he might even think it's a turn-on that you want him to be your first. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I've been messaging quite a few guys and went out on a few dates with one, and I've never been asked if I'm a top or bottom. (I, like you, have slept with girls but have never been with a guy, so I feel you re: how to answer the top/bottom question). Maybe join a different dating site if you're feeling like the one you're on has too much of a hook-up vibe? Good luck!
