I've been told that having a partner isn't everything. I've also been told that in order for me to be loved by someone, I have to love myself first. I just can't see how I can ever love myself. I completely hate who I am. I hate my face, my personality, my country... I hate everything that's got to do with me basically. I have no friends. I met the only true friend I've ever had online, but she doesn't talk to me anymore. After a year of my non-stop ranting, I suppose she's had enough. I hate what I look like. Whenever I'm outside I start comparing myself to other people, wishing I was half as good looking as they are. I feel worthless most of the times. I try to accept myself for the ugly being that I am, but I still can't help but worry about my looks. I hate my country. Being gay can get you a 15 year jail sentence here. The people are so closed-minded; being a child molester and being a homosexual are no different in their eyes. The worst part is, there is little to no chance of me ever leaving this country. And even if I do, it will be after at least a decade or so. I'm positive that I'll be indifferent to the thought of having a boyfriend in 10 years time. Besides, who'd ever want to date an insecure guy like me? I've thought countless amount of times about committing suicide but I've never mustered the courage to do it. I've cut myself on numerous occasions. I feel like a failure. Nothing ever helps. No one really ever cares about me. When I came out to my mother, I also told her about my depression, and she said that we'd talk about it on a regular basis and figure out a way to solve it, but we never once brought up the subject again. The exact same thing happened with my brother and also with one of my college roommates. I'm the type of person whose feelings you throw in a bin, someone whose problems are not worth giving a damn about. So I guess my question is, how can I overcome my many insecurities and make things better for myself? How do I stop worrying about not having friends or a boyfriend? How do I find comfort in loneliness? How do I keep myself from giving up on life?
Hey there, thank you for sharing your story. I am going to post my thoughts when I get home because I lost everything what I fucking wrote here in this shitty phone so expect a reply from me.
I think you are going through a lot with for a very young age and I completely understand how stressful it must be for you. I think to "find" comfort in loneliness, one must NOT be. You can be alone but not lonely to find comfort in its solitude. I can understand what you are going through but I know it's harder for you because you live in a country where homosexuality is strictly taboo and I want you to know that I've dealt with depression, insecurity and suicide (and still am) and what keeps me from giving up on life, in general is to accept that this part of who I am but not to the point where it is taking over my life and that is probably what I can advice from you. To accept that you have these insecurities and loneliness. It's not just to love yourself but to also realise that you are vulnerable and have your weak points. I do think that it also important to give a slap on yourself and wake up that this is reality. Take a hot shower, clean your room, drink healthy does of water, do your laundry where you might have possibly abandoned for weeks, try talking to your mom and ask for more support from her, if possible, talk to her if it's possible that you would need a licensed therapist and just any basic things that you haven't done for a long time. My next advice is to tackle the issues and that is to "distract" yourself from it. Make art, do photography, watch the sunset, read a book, talk to someone online, go shopping. Just basically anything you know you are good at and let yourself be good at it. Whenever I get depressed, I would always look forward to running by myself and it helps a lot for me to space out from people. I hope all is well for you and do update us.
I will be very honest with you. This post almost brought tears to my eyes. I understand the feeling of insecurity and not loving yourself. Learning to love yourself is an ongoing process and requires some help. Why are you not happy with your appearance? I am not sure where you are at in the world but I wish I could do something. There is a program called the Rainbow Refugee program that my province (Nova Scotia, Canada) has recently extended. Rainbow Refugee Association of Nova Scotia There may be other programs around the world. I don't know your current situation, I just wanted to let you know of additional resources that may be helpful or of interest to you. I would give you the biggest hug in the world if I could. I really want things to work out for you someway, somehow. I believe every human being has something to offer to our planet and is worth caring about. I care about you.
I'm just not attractive. I've never had a person tell me that I'm good looking. People make fun of me cause of my rather broad nose. I also get teased for being too skinny... It's quite obvious to me that none of my features are appealing.
I feel the same. I don't feel as if I'm attractive either and I've been having a hard time dealing with it. I'm 5' 1", 119 lbs, and the only thing on my face that I can tolerate are my glasses... I hear that having confidence is really attractive so I've been working on my low self-esteem. By the sound of this post, it doesn't seem to be working very well *sigh*...
Unfortunately we evaluate our beauty based on popular opinion. There was a video I watched from buzzfeed on ideal beauty in males around the world (I believe it was just posted yesterday). It was interesting how different places find different qualities attractive that other places did not find attractive. I think everyone has appealing features, it just depends on how much a person can appreciate the art of the person. I always imagine people as works of art. The lines, the shapes, colours all come together to make a unique human being. Like every piece of art there are flaws an artist points out however very few viewers will notice and they will enjoy the art as a whole and admire various parts of that whole. This is how I see people. I believe someone will come along one day and admire your features and everything they represent as a part of you.
The answer is love and compassion. Let your love be unconditional. Don't require people to love you first in order for you to love them. Don't demand payment in the form of love and hold them accountable for the love they said they would give to you. Give yourself to them freely and selflessly. Love them with all your heart and they will never see you as ugly.
I haven't had much self-esteem issues, so I might just be wrong. But just don't, if you don't like how you look don't look in a mirror or take pictures. When you notice yourself being negative, tell yourself no. Did you try to be proactive apart from starting the conversation? If you live to be 70, you've only lived through ~25% of your life. You've been pursuing sex only 27% of your life at the moment at the most. What do you like about yourself? Hobbies, smarts, humor, eyebrows. You're also going about it wrong, acknowledge your shortcomings but also your strengths. Extremes seldom do good my dear. You don't, if you are the type to feel lonely while alone then you can't. You can try to find activities that have meaning that are done alone. You seem to want to socialize and be in a relationship so that doesn't seem like it would work. You're also going to die no matter what you do. You can try to do some good for others, join a monastery or a mission and do charity work. Look after the homeless, become an activist or make enough money to cover the funeral costs and grief your family will go through. If you're going to be selfish, be a bit more and talk to people who know you about your problems. We do not know you so our advice is quite limited, you had people offer their support, take it. Lastly, if you dislike yourself just change it. You can pick up acting and play a character you like until you forget the parts you dislike about yourself. Save money for plastic surgery, heck even learn some make-up techniques.
I'm actually an introvert. I don't like being around people. I get anxious when in social settings. I don't have a friend whom I feel comfortable sharing everything with. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends, but I just don't feel safe sharing my troubling thoughts with them. I've been made fun of (and also physically abused) by them quite a lot during middle school and highschool. They're also exceptionally homophobic. I put up with them so that I wouldn't have to eat my lunch alone. I prefer referring to them as my 'friends', quotation marks so as to imply the falseness of it all. Eventhough they don't tease me anymore, I still have difficulty considering them as actual, true friends. One thing I find pointless in complaining about living in a homophobic country is that even if I lived in a gay-friendly country, I'd still be alone cause I know that I'll never be able to attain the social skills required of me to get a boyfriend. I would describe myself as a shy dude who turns out to have a whole load of problems once you get to know him. I wouldn't contribute anything positive to a relationship. I realized that what I had asked was a tall order once I re-read my post. I'm always in pursuit of an immediate fix to my problems despite the fact that there's no such thing... The 'support' I got offered was never genuine. They cared for a day but I got left hanging the day after. Anyway, I'm attending college several miles away from my brother and mother so it's not like I'd be able to confide in them even if I wanted to. The roommate I shared my feelings with was never to be trusted. He sees my problems as trivial and considers me 'emo'. I haven't told him that I'm gay, but I have a feeling that he knows of my sexual orientation. That hasn't stopped him from calling me a faggot every once in a while though. ... All that I want is just one person who loves me despite my infinite flaws. A person with whom I can be affectionate with. Someone with whom I can share anything with. Someone who will be a source of comfort to me for the rest of my life. I really wouldn't give a rat's butt about my looks or my family or anyone if I had someone who truly loved me. I would also love him back with all my heart. I would cherish him. I'm sick and tired of fantasizing about having a boyfriend. I'm still not over my highschool crush. He's the first person I've ever fallen for. He drives me crazy. Last week while I was at home for the semester break, I was set on self harming again (after having been clean for 4 months) but then one of my 'friends' told me that my crush had asked how I was doing, hearing that made me so happy that the thought of self-harm was completely wiped off my brain... If he were my boyfriend, I would undoubtedly be the happiest guy on earth. It seems to me that the only thing that will set me free from this endless path of self hatred is loving someone and mainly being loved back. But I always feel like no one will ever love me and that's why I ask if there's a way aside from love that leads to a feeling of fulfillment. I can't really partake in social activities cause I'm very antisocial (it's a trait that I've had from a very young age and one which I've tried hard to change but always failed) I really don't have any interests apart from listening to music, and that doesn't count as much of a hobby, does it? I'm currently studying medicine at college so I really don't have time to do anything else but study. I'm scared that the excessive amount of school work that's ahead of me and my feeling of hopelessness will pair up and force me to end it all.
Holy cows on the house Reading your post is like reading myself when I was in my most depressed state, there was a time when I felt exactly like you do now. Ok, other posters has covered enough so I doubt I can contribute much anything. First, I think you are brave, you came out to your mother and brother! In a homophobic country! That's pretty brave if you ask me. And from your posts, at least your family doesn't disown you and force you to fend off for yourself, that's a pretty big plus. And you gotta be damn smart, too. You got into medicine at college, in my country, people need ridiculous high score to get admitted. So I think you have at least two strengths to be proud of. Now, I'm really sorry that your online friend doesn't talk to you anymore. Really, that's a blow to your pillar of support. But she put up with you for a year, you must have done something right. There must be some qualities in you that attracted her in the first place. How long have you two stopped talking? Perhaps give in some time out and then reconnect? If not, well you can forget about her. And about that crush of yours? Get over him, fast. Yes, I know I sound harsh and but seriously, get over him. You know he is not the answer to your happiness. You want to get fulfillment without a relationship, right? Don't let him have that much power over you. About your antisocial tendencies...well, I got nothing I'm pretty antisocial myself. But what is internet for? You can be anyone in the internet! You can pretend to be a girl or whatever. Granted that probably won't win you friends but you will get a hell lot of entertainment. Get mad, get crazy! Now about interests, why don't you try cooking? I assume you have to cook for yourself anyway so better make it enjoyable. Oh, and almost forgot to ask, do you like medicine? Do you think you can have any intellectual interests that related to medicine? Sorry am not the most eloquent of guy, nor the most tactful, but it's the best I can do.
Thanks for pointing out the good things I have in life. I'm just so ungrateful sometimes... The fact that I have come out to my immediate family never ceases to baffle me. I never thought I'd have the guts to do it, but I actually did. Plus, they're both more or less okay with me being gay. I wouldn't call myself smart. I have mediocre grades. My country has a shortage of medical professionals, so you'll get accepted to medical school if you want to despite your not so great scores. We stopped talking a little over 2 weeks ago. Her girlfriend and I don't get along well so I decided it would be best if I cut off contact with her (her girlfriend), but by doing so it eventually led up to my friend not talking to me anymore. I was certain that I was over him just a few months back, but then one day, while scrolling through an instant messaging app, I came across his account. Right when I saw his profile picture (which was a photo of himself), I literally started hyperventilating. He has such an adorable face and a personality to match. I don't think I'll ever convince myself into getting over him. I can only hope that someday in the future I'll have a husband who drives me just as crazy as he does. I'm not sure I like medicine. I only chose to pursue a career in the medical field due the financial benefits it would bring me in the future.
Haven't had time to read all of this thread as I'm in a hurry, BUT, I hate how I look. Not only do I hate my looks, I'm also transgender so it's a double whammy. All I can do is try and focus on the positives and spend a decent amount of time focusing on something other than my thoughts. I can honestly say, I feel a lot better for it.
