I'm just tired of everything. I feel like I'm carrying a mountain on my back and keeps getting heavier yet I just carry on with a smiley on my face. I have all the expectations from mom and grandma of getting a girl and having kids and getting a job and yet I'm gay but I hide all of what I am from them and put on a mask that I haven't been able to take off even around friends and just want it all to end honestly but I don't at the same time. I want to come out I want to be myself but afraid of the backlash. I'm finaly getting along with my step dad and don't want to screw it up by coming out gay and such but feel like a horrible pathetic peice of scum to hide it all. I'm completley terrified and my grandma won't be around much longer but yet I'm afraid to be compleatly truthful to her and I feel pathetic for that. I just want to break down and cry instead I smile and be cheerful. I want to say fuck you to ppl yet Im polite and brush it off like it didn't bother me. I'm a nice guy in polite and kind but I just want to have someone to reassure me I'm doing okay or its okay to not be all smiles or upset or cry. I feel like I have to have a constant smile on my face even when I just want to hide and cry. I'm so so so very tired of everything but need to keep going but I feel I'm gonna break soon and no one else other then one person to talk to about this so I wanted to post this here. Just wanted to vent and yea.
When you're tired and everything is weighing you down there is no wonder you feel so low and dejected. The weight of expectation seems really immense right now and I'm glad you took some time to post here. Did sharing it with us reduce the burden at all - if only a little bit? Let's get one thing clear, you are not a horrible, pathetic piece of scum for hiding how you feel. Putting on a brave face, despite the pain is hard for you, but it does not make you a bad or deceitful person. Clearly, you are trying to find a way to come out, but the weight of expectation and fear of a backlash is stifling any desire to go through with it. It's something I experienced myself. Are you doing okay? Is it okay to not feel all warm and smiley inside? YES! Of course it's okay. In fact, it's more than okay when you are here; consider yourself amongst friends and companions in the struggle Akira12. I'm sure you have seen the messages from other members of EC who are going through a very similar struggle to you. We're all in it together here, right? Now, about this feeling of wanting it all to end... what's it all about? There is no shame in admitting to feelings like these, so how about you tell us more about it. If you'd rather not discuss it publicly here, you can PM me. Maintaining a brave face when you are so broken inside is one of the hardest things to do Akira. At some point you need a person or place to offload all of that brokenness to and if it's getting too much for you alone, bring it here. It's not venting at all - it's about your very real and important feelings and you have every right to share them with people who want to understand and help. We're here for you. (&&&)
It is far better to come out when you are young. I was afraid like you at your age, ended up getting married and living a lie. Now divorced and trying to find my way at age 40. Believe me the longer you wait the harder it is. Be happy with who you are. Although at first people may react badly, eventually those who love you will come around. Be strong and hang in there!
