Hi everybody, I'm posting this in the general category, but it might also fit into the coming out or the sexual orientation categories. I just couldn't decide Basically, I'm writing because I just need to get it out. I cannot find anyone around me I can really talk to about that and who would understand me. Maybe I'm lucky in here. First of all, since my nickname won’t reveal it, I’m a girl. I have always seen myself as “interested” in other girls, kind of curious, and the first time I fell in love was a girl as well, but nothing has ever happened. After that girl, I fell in love with two guys (not at the same time ). However, I never got anywhere, never had a relationship or anything with anyone, I might even say I “forgot” about the feelings I once had for a girl. Last September, I started a year abroad, and without having planned it, I ended up in a shared apartment with two gays and a lesbian. They are a really cool group and we get along together very well. And it only took me a week to fall in love with the girl as hard as it could be. I have never met somebody like her, she is just awesome to me and she changed my whole life. Ah, and she has a girlfriend. I am so lucky. :icon_sad: Over the months, she and I became good friends. However, my life has been an up and down (down, mostly) since then since I somehow started to focus on her (I reeeeally like her *rolleyes*) but it’s a sort of “so close, yet so far away”. A few weeks ago, she told me and the rest of the group that she would go back to her hometown and not come back to our apartment. Drop. The thought of losing her like that made me so sad that I decided to tell her about my feelings in a quiet moment. She was a little surprised at first, but then she reacted really cool. She had no problems with that and it even seemed to me that she was more open to me after that talk. Didn’t change the girlfriend fact, of course, or the fact that she would leave by the end of the month. (Next Friday. I fear that day.) We wrote each other a long text explaining ourselves and how we see each other, and she told me I was invited to visit her in her hometown anytime. However, when I asked her the other day to come visit her in a few weeks, I think she felt uncomfortable and since then, she is a lot more distant, which breaks my heart. I probably crossed a line there. I guess I will just have to say good-bye to her and the thought of having her with me, although I don’t know yet how to do that. In summer, I will also return to my home country, and I have no idea how to continue my life there. The year abroad has changed so incredibly much for me. I started thinking that maybe the reason why I have never had a relationship was, that I was watching out for guys although my heart beats for girls. Or is this just an illusion I created in my time here? I feel like I evolved a lot in my stay abroad and I am scared to go back to the point where I was before I started it. I would like to get into touch with more people of the lgbt community in my home country, but I have known very veeeeeery few in my past and I wouldn’t know how to “find” them. Sure, there are official organizations (I googled ) but I kinda felt that this was not what I’m looking for (most of them try to defend a gender-friendly language and things like that, but before I do that, I would rather find the life I really want). What, of course, also somehow holds me back to contact those groups is the feeling that “this girl is the only one you will ever like and there will never be someone like her, so why bother”. I think I feel that way because before, I really never met someone like her and I project my past onto my future. Well, that is the story of the past few months of my life so far. I would really be happy to know if someone can understand the way I feel, or if I’m just crazy and hopeless. Lots of love xxx
