I have a friend who has become very dependent on me. I was there for her when she was going through depression. (Like i was over her place almost every night for a week because i was worried about her) She has pretty much come out of the depression, which is really great, but now she sort of acts like we're in a relationship. (She just broke up with her boyfriend to give you some perspective) We have been friends for about 7 years. I am not attracted to her at all, and have no feelings for her romantically whatsoever. We've even joked that we would be horrible if we were in a relationship. She doesn't know I'm gay either, but that's beside the point. Last Thursday I went out with some of my friends from undergrad, to see my roommate's band play their first gig (I live with him and his girlfriend, I went to undergrad with the girlfriend so we're all pretty tight). She asked me why I didn't invite her, and wants to come with us next time his band plays. She's never met the roommate in the band (she's only met the girlfriend twice), and I know she won't really like the style of music he plays, and she's super embarrassing to be with in public, which is hilarious and great when it's just us or some of our mutual friends, but I don't want to bring her along to the gig because I know that I will keep having to tell her to calm down or not to do something that she isn't supposed to do at a gig like that (I know she's never been to anything like it). I feel really bad for not wanting to invite her. I saw her this weekend and she asked me again why I didn't invite her. (Why would I? They are a separate group of friends and its not like she's my girlfriend) I said "oh it was with a bunch of my friends from undergrad" or something along the lines of that, and she basically implied that I should have invited her anyway. A little while after the subject changed, she asked me how the "nerdy video game concert" (It was the Distant Worlds concert) I went to see with my brother, cousins, and some of my brother's close friends for his birthday went. I said it was really amazing, and again she asked why I didn't invite her. She didn't even know what Final Fantasy was before I mentioned the concert, and it was my brother's birthday so it's not like it was me who was the one inviting people, and again, she's not my girlfriend, so why would I invite her? She keeps acting like we're in a relationship, and I really don't want her to be so dependent on me. It's not good for her and I don't really want that either. Sorry this turned out to be such a long post. What do I do?
Why don't you try inviting her to do something with some other friends sometime? I think she may want to spend more time with you and be a bigger part of your life. I had a situation once where I helped a girl and I realized I was only there for her during the bad times, and in private. When things were good, I was gone off doing other things. One reason being she took a lot out of me and I needed time away...it's very draining to help someone through a wave of depression. Just remember part of being a good friend is to be there during the good times as well. Ask her to do something with some mutual friends (e.g. go to a movie, or lunch). You mentioned she acts like you are in a relationship based on the evidence that she is wanting to tag along with everything you do. Something tells me there is something else happening? Is she touchy-feely with you? Have you been physical? Has she said before she is into you?
Ah it sounds like she has an attachment to you since you have been friends with her so long and you guys have been through a lot together. It's really hard to be in either of your shoes. She probably feels really left out and may not have other friends to spend time with and that is something you can't do for her. But maybe if you did invite her she would find a common ground with your other friends. I can't give much advice on this topic though so I hope some others can give some input! Good luck!
You don't need to feel bad about this; when she was struggling you gave her time and support, but now is the time to start setting a few boundaries. If you don't it will most likely damage the friendship. Setting boundaries needn't mean being harsh, but it does mean withdrawing a little. It can be simple things like taking longer to respond to calls/messages, or leaving a day or two without contact, or expressing regret that you can't do something with her. If you do decide to go somewhere with her, arrange to meet up, rather than travel together, so she learns to take personal responsibility and gets used to being independent again. Remember also, that you don't have to tell her about your movements and social activities - in fact, it's probably best not to right now. The main thing is to withdraw in a positive way, rather than a negative way. Start by putting some distance between the two of you and encourage her to do things for herself and see how it goes. Far better to take this more sensitive approach first. Only if this doesn't work should you be more assertive about the boundaries.
Nothing physical has happened. Sometimes she tries to cuddle, but I'm not very big on cuddling so its always short. She has called me "gorgeous" before and said that her boyfriend (now ex) turned her on to "my appeal." I look like a 13 year old, so she always saw me as a kid until then. She has started doing things on her own, like this weekend she's going camping with her work friends. We just went to dinner yesterday with one of our mutual friends.
