Need advice, please!

Hi All,

I’m desperately looking for some advice on the difficult, complex situation that I am in, and I don’t know where else to turn. I'm a 21 year old male about to graduate from college, and I am bisexual. I’ve been struggling to classify my sexual orientation for many years, but luckily I have been able to come to terms with my bisexuality for the most part. There are a few people in my life who I've confided in, but for the most part I've kept my bisexuality a secret.

For the past two years, I’ve developed a very close friendship with another male at my school, who is one year younger than me. From the time we first met, I've felt a strong emotional/ physical attraction to him. As a result of these feelings, which I strongly believe to be mutual, we've have become extremely close. We study the same things and work well together academically, so we've taken most of our classes together for the past several semesters. We talk multiple times a day, every day including summers, weekends and many late nights. We understand each other on a deep level, and have both admitted many times that we have a deep, indescribable connection. The point I am trying to make is that we are extremely close, and are essentially best friends.

Naturally, my feelings have intensified as we have become closer, and it has gotten to the point where we know pretty much everything about one another, and exchange “I love you’s” frequently. I am absolutely convinced that he has feelings for me, but is hiding them because of the environment he was raised in, and his personality as a whole. He is from a very religious, rural, conservative household and has grown up in a society where being gay is absolutely and completely unacceptable. His father, all of his extended family and all of his lifelong best friends are all strongly homophobic. Also, he is not the type to deviate from expectations, which I believe has put him into a state of deep denial about his feelings for me.

On top of this, he has a clear problem with alcohol abuse (it runs in his family, along with psychological issues as well.) Not only does he drink very frequently, but he always drinks to the point of complete and total inebriation, and rarely remembers his nights the next morning. In my opinion, he uses alcohol as an escape from his internalized homophobia.

Unlike me, he is a “go with the flow of society” type of person and doesn’t like to deviate from what he feels is expected of him. I was raised a bit differently. I am a more pragmatic and realistic type of person, and I don’t believe that denial is the way to go. I’ve tried that route, and I know from experience that it is impossible to suppress such strong desires, and that it will drive anybody crazy inside.

The following are some of the biggest signs that I’ve observed that have caused me to become absolutely convinced that these feelings are reciprocated, but that he is in a state of deep denial.

1) Whenever he is drunk, he uses the altered state of mind as a platform to address the issue. He becomes much more open about himself and what he is thinking/feeling. He says that when we hang out drunk, he feels free. He says that he feels truly comfortable around me. However, while sober he is wound very tight, and always trying to maintain the status quo at all costs and refuses to show affection. While drunk however, he constantly says he loves me, is very physical with me, enjoys laying in my bed in the dark and cuddling, and even likes listening to sexual music and having deep intimate conversations about life, love and sex.

2) I have caught him looking at my body many times. It becomes even more obvious when we are both drunk, but he stares at my crotch constantly. Every time we hang out drunk, he makes a clear effort to hide his erection. It is completely obvious, and I notice it every single time. There has yet to be a time where we have hung out alone where he hasn’t gotten a clear erection.

3) Both drunk and sober, we constantly make prolonged, intense eye contact. We stare deeply into each others eyes on a regular basis, and every single fiber of my being is convinced that he is in love with me.

4) He has casual sex with girls, but frequently complains that he is unable to finish and can’t maintain an erection, .Although he does have sex with girls fairly often, he never shows any emotional interest in them and it seems as if he engages in it because “it is just the thing to do.” Everything I’ve observed about him displays that his emotional interest is in me, and not in any of the girls he has casual sex with.

5) I’ve found gay (and bi) porn on his computer numerous times. Hundreds of videos, different dates and times, etc. This is perhaps the biggest sign that I simply can’t ignore. The most recent time happened right after he came over to my house drunk, and cuddled with me in my bed for hours listening to music. We did not do anything sexual, but we were engaging in strong drunk flirting. He then went home and proceeded to watch dozens of videos of gay porn. I saw them on his computer the next day when we were studying together.

6) Every so often, he breaks down and cries, saying that he doesn’t know who he is. He says he doesn’t understand himself, and that he desperately needs to figure himself out. He has told me that I’m the best friend he’s ever had, and its clear that he loves me deeply, he just refuses to admit any romantic or sexual attraction.

7) He has sent me pictures of his penis before. He hates when I bring this up, and he claims that I induced him into doing this and takes no responsibility whatsoever for it happening.

8) In the few times that I have tried to be direct and express how I feel, I indicate that I am completely non-judgemental, and that I am completely accepting of whatever he is. I tell him that whoever he is and whatever he is is okay with me. Still, he gets irrationally defensive and VERY angry whenever I try and discuss it with him.

I have confronted him about whether or not he shares these feelings many times, and every time his anger and denial gets more intense, to the point where I am just concerned that he is suffering from such serious cognitive dissonance and homosexual repression that is driving himself crazy inside. In the hours and days after we discuss it, he makes a clear point to validate his “heterosexuality” by talking about girls in such a direct way that it is obvious he is trying to compensate and appear as straight as possible.

It has gotten to the point where he is threatening to end our friendship if I can’t stop bringing this up. Between the serious dependence on alcohol, the obvious attempts to hide his erections when we are alone together, the repeated viewings of gay porn and just the overall vibes that I get, I am absolutely convinced that he is in love with me.

I’m not quite sure what to do at this point. On one hand, I understand his dilemma, having gone through it myself. I want to be there for him, and to continue to act like a friend and a support system. On the other hand, I am becoming so emotionally drained by pretending that we are not in love and it has taken a serious toll on my personal well being.

I’ve never felt a stronger emotional connection to another person in my life, and I desperately don’t want to lose him. However, I just can’t go on like this in this torturous state of purgatory. How do I get him to come to terms with it? Will he ever be able to? What should I do? Please help me.

On one hand, I’m deeply and madly in love with him, but on the other hand, he is my best friend. I can’t deal with the unfulfilled romance AND losing my best friend simultaneously. I feel trapped in this extremely complex situation, and desperately need advice.