Ok, usually when i post on here, i just post for myself, just to get it out of my system, not expecting any reply.....this time its different Since i found out i might not be straight (not even gonna use other terms cause im scared of labeling this), my life has been a fucking hell. I feel like im hiding under 6564 layers and masks, i feel like i lost myself. Its gotten to the point where id rather not have a relationship ever again, than to get into a relationship with a girl that i might like, and then find out that she doesnt arouse me sexually (since im a virgin and i dont know what the fuck would happen). Im scared of everything, im scared of letting anyone in, im scared to not accidentaly blurt it out at some point. I've kicked a lot of ppl out of my life, just because i became so scared by people, i feel like im concealing the secret of the holy fucking grail. I keep going trough all the stages of grief 100 times a day, im denying it, saying its just a phase, im angry at myself for being this way, i break down crying, or just wandering off, or i just think "why dont i just come out already?" And then the cycle stars again. It might be that all my life ive been bullyed and called gay cause i was short, late bloomer with a pitched voice, that only hanged around girls since guys rejected my friendship. That joke has followed me to this day, and tho i am not offended when im called gay, i feel like if i came out id just prove them right. And i live in a religious country, id be fucking burned at the stake if i were to come out. Im scared of everything and i feel like im literally becoming an emotionless stone, just so i dont accidentsly reveal myself. Im killing my own happiness. Im crying while writing this because i just cant live with myself anymore, i dont want my whole life to be this way, i dont want the giovannis room effect in my life, just being with women to conceal my identity which i dont even know yet. Any advice is welcome... Since im tired of trying to help myself out
Hello friend, First of all, thank you for reaching out on here, it takes a lot of strength just to do that. I know it sounds like this impossible cliche, but I do want you to know that it gets better. I can say that because I've been where you are, and I battled with depression for many years because of not wanting to accept who I am. But one day the world is going to seem a little less dark. That label is going to see a little less scary, and you will realize you too can make it through. I have three pieces of advice to give you: 1. You are never alone. I don't know how old you are but there are so many lgbt resources and communities, even lgbt centers or alliances at a lot of schools. People who are ready to talk or listen and can completely relate, such as this wonderful community here. At the very least, I will always be here if you need to talk about anything, so know that you will never be alone. 2. Don't underestimate people. I was raised in a religious household and spent so much time crying and being afraid of other people's reactions - I assumed the worst. When I eventually came out, I was shocked to be overwhelmed with love and support. I basically spent a huge chunk of my life creating grief, and stress for myself, rather than believing in the relationships I made and living the life I wanted to lead. Now, I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it's got to be better than distancing yourself from people in your life without even giving them the opportunity to be supportive. Find that one person you truly cherish and trust in your life who you think will accept you no matter what and start there. 3. Love yourself! This is the big one, and the most important one. Even if you ignore the above two numbers, remember this - Love yourself. Love you for being you. Don't spend time fighting against yourself wishing for things to be different, or for you to be different. At the end of the day you need to accept who you are - gay/straight/bi/ or otherwise. Once you learn to love and accept who you are, then the opinions of others truly don't matter. I promise you if you learn to love you for just being you, you will feel better, and you will get through this. Stay strong xx
Thanks, it really means a lot... Since no school in my country has a gsa, and my country aint changing either, im just gonna try to accept myself... But i know its gonna b hard
Reading your story is like reading my life. I am going through the exact same thing right now and it is good to see that im not alone either. It is literally illegal to be gay in my country. Let me know if you wanna talk.
there are a few youtube channels which have help me allot with accepting it. Mark E Miller https://www.youtube.com/user/mmabutternut , Kaelyn & Lucy https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBApzcxOY4b2VZLJcKIqLeA and Dan/lafond66 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpVshhG6dk79CXG4fbl2v-w . They are all very up beat and have shown me that you could be gay and have a happy normal life. Mark E Miller especially helped because he seems like a "normal guy" (not stereotypical gay) who is just simply attracted to the same sex.
