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Confusing Relationship Problem

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Snuffbox, Apr 5, 2015.

  1. Snuffbox

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I have a girlfriend, L, whom I've been going out with 5 months. I love her very much. However, L has recently told me that she isn't a woman - she's a transmaculine person, who identifies as more he than she. I rolled with this and of course supported her. But then she told she, although she didn't want to identify as male and assured me we were still in a lesbian relationship, that she wanted to use only male pronouns. I completely freaked out and cried for ages, and she, bless her heart, took it back and said she would still use female pronouns. Yesterday she then told me that she was probably bi/pan, prior to what I had previously thought: that she was a lesbian.

    Ok, please don't misunderstand me: I'm NOT transphobic or biphobic. I have a trans and friends, bi friends, and non-binary friends. I love L so much, we've talked about getting married. I just want to be the best girlfriend I can be, and completely support her. I've talked her about this a bit, and she says my qualms are understandable, and nothing to do with bi/transphobia.

    My real problem is, I guess, just like everyone else I have specific relationship preference. I am a cis gay woman, and I only want to date cis gay women, and have only done so in the past. And the cis gay woman i thought i had fallen in love with has turned out to be a transmasculine bi/pan person. She knows I'm struggling with this, but she doesn't know the extent.

    Please understand that I just really want to love and support her. But for the life of me I really don't know how. Because if i'm being brutally honest, i have requirements, and this relationship is not fulfilling them, but i desperately don't want to break up with her.

    She doesn't want to come out, and so i feel completely isolated. I have friends who would understand the situation, but she won't let me talk to them - understandably, since she only wants to out herself, and me talking to anyone else would out her. I don't want to talk her about it, because then she would know how unhappy I am and how i'm not capable of supporting her, and that would crush her; I want to talk to my friends about it, not her, but that option isn't available to me. I know it's my role and duty to just support and accept her as her girlfriend whatever her gender and sexuality because she's my girlfriend, and that's what good girlfriends do, and also of course because she's my girlfriend and my best friend and I love her. But I'm personally not happy, and I want to be happy too, and I hope that's not selfish of me to say.

    I'm a very straightforward person: I just want to date a gay cis woman, and this situation feels like far, far more than I can handle. Even though she's not that, I love her and I want to support her, but I'm unhappy and I just don't know what to do. I'd be so grateful for any advice, thank you so much :slight_smile:.
     
  2. Sweetberry

    Regular Member

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    While I don't have experience in this area directly, I feel like I understand where you're coming from. Please forgive me if this sounds like im simplfying things (cause I know that everything has more to it than meets the eye) but...If you're not into you're not into it. You have to follow your heart and your gut feelings. It sounds to me like you are firm in how you feel and who you want to be with. It doesn't mean you don't care for her or accept her but like you said- it's more than you can handle. And there isn't anything wrong with that. It's not selfish. It's how you feel- and you're entitled to that.

    I'm a firm believer in being 100% honest about where your heart is in a relationship. Things change over time. I'd say you owe it to her to be honest about how you feel. I may not be pretty at first but you can still be supportive and there for her. That way she can move on and you can too. Or maybe talking more in depth will help her to understand you still care so deeply (it's obvi you do by your post). Hopefully this isn't the shittiest advice you've ever heard haha but if it is- my bad.

    It's not selfish to want to be happy in a relationship.(*hug*)
     
  3. Snuffbox

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    Sweetberry, thank you so much for your reply :slight_smile:. I do hope that breaking up is the very worst case scenario and that hopefully it shouldn't come to that, but thank anyway you so much for your opinion, you have no idea how much it means to hear a voice of support.
     
  4. Sweetberry

    Regular Member

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    :lol: You're welcome!!! I hope it all works out and you feel better about it soon! :eusa_danc