Homophobic parents and everything that goes with it

I came out in a letter to my parents at a time where I thought I was a lesbian. I've been questioning my sexuality and experimented with it ever since I can remember. One of my cousin's friends is a lesbian and she's engaged to a lovely woman. My cousin's other friend is also clearly a lesbian, and we all suspect that she and my cousin are in a relationship, though my cousin hasn't come out ... yet.

Well, the four of them live together and the subject came up at one of our family gatherings (my cousin and her girlfriend (?) wasn't there yet). My mom and uncle started talking about homosexuality and my uncle said that if one of his children came out as gay, he'd accept it and be supportive. He's pretty open-minded about it. So is my aunt. But my own parents are extremely homophobic and it hurts to know that they will never accept that part of me. My mom said to my uncle that I tried that trick with them (Seriously? A trick?) but it backfired because they didn't and won't accept it. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her there and then that I'm bisexual and if she can't accept it then so be it. BUT I bit my tongue. Much as I wanted to say it. It was the perfect time. But I was scared that it would seem like I'm seeking attention or something.

That particular discussion has stuck with me (It was on 28th March this year) and I deeply regret not having said anything. Maybe I should write them another letter, explaining exactly what's going on in my mind. But they probably won't believe me. They think it was just a phase I was going through. It hurts. They don't believe there is something like bisexuality, as far as I can tell. That hurts even more.

So I don't know where to go from here. I'm attracted to men AND women, and that has never changed, though I went through a couple of questioning stages. It's a part of myself that I cannot change, and don't want to change. It makes me who I am and I wish things were different with my parents. I don't want to have to stay in the closet again. I want to be free, express myself openly and just live my life to the max. But it's hard because I know my parents won't accept it, and probably won't change their views. I often have to hear the "Homosexuality is a sin, and goes against what I believe in" speech, and I cringe every single time. I won't get used to it, ever. I consider myself a Christian, but my mom says that I can't support homosexuality and identify as a Christian at the same time. That hurts me a lot.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I write them another letter and tell them exactly what's going on in my life, or do I let it go and keep living only half a life?

:tears: :icon_sad: ​

 

My extended family seems supportive. Or at the very least, indifferent. They accept me for who I am, and don't judge. So that's not a problem. My biggest obstacle is my parents. (And sister). They are appalled by anything homosexual in nature. I feel a sense of dread whenever something even slightly gay comes on tv, because I know they will react negatively. It's that bad. They'd even change the channel or walk out of the room or something more drastic. I wish they could be more open-minded and less judgemental of people whose interests differ from theirs. It's not like they're perfect either so I don't get why they have to make such a big deal of it. Just say "Ok, cool" and let it be. Lol

Yes, I love my parents very much. I just hate how they treat people who are "different" than their "ideal". It sucks because LGBT people will always be shunned by them, and others who share the same views ("Homosexuality is a sin" type of mindset).

Oh wouldn't that be total bliss! If it would be a none-issue and just a "matter-of-fact" type thing, like when I say I don't like a certain type of clothing or colour or something.

Thank you for your well wishes. I just want to set them straight so they know what's going on in my life, and so they'd be better prepared for the future. I know that they will never allow a girlfriend of mine into their home, so I'll have to introduce someone like that as a friend, and they won't think much of it. Why does it have to be so damn complicated? I wish I could change their views but I know that's impossible so I have to accept that they're homophobic and always will be.

I just feel like they deserve to know about my romantic/sexual interests, because I don't want to have such a big secret hanging over my head.

For now though, I'll take the advice and just let it be. Go with the flow sort of thing.

Thanks for both of your replies (*hug*)

 

After making this thread, I typed out a long letter, and I felt ready to give it to them when I got home. But when I got home, I got scared and I ended up tearing the letter up and throwing it away. I'm hoping my mom will go through my trash and come across it, but she probably won't so I went through all the trouble and emotions of writing (typing) a letter, only to chicken out and throw it away. All for nothing. I'm such an idiot. Why is it so hard? I mean, I came out once, and that was a pretty big deal. So why not a second time? What am I afraid of? Their reaction? :bang:

Rhetorical questions, but I'm just trying to make sense of it all :eusa_doh:

 

:eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh:

I must be the biggest idiot ever!!!

I tore the letter into three pieces and tossed it in the trash. But then I felt like maybe I should wait a bit, so I put it under my bedside lamp, sticking out slightly, in the hopes that she'd see it and read it. Well, that worked. She read the letter and confronted me about it when I got home a few minutes ago. She said in an angry tone that I must do whatever makes me happy, and then after I walked away, she came into the room I was in and she said, "So tell her that I said it's ok". She thought I wrote that letter because I had a girlfriend again, like with the first letter I wrote. I told her that I don't have anybody special in my life. She's going to talk to my dad about it too, so I'm already preparing for the huge fight about to ensue. I'm such a fucking retard!!! Why didn't I just throw it away, like I wanted to do? Now everything's a mess again. Fucking idiot!!! :bang:

 

Going by the stages of grief/acceptance, I think my mom is at the bargaining stage (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I didn't realize that this could take so long to progress, but at least we're getting somewhere, and that's reassuring.

I cannot remember her exact words, but she said something along the lines of, "I understand and accept your decisions, but just know that I still don't support or condone it"

There's a shimmer of hope

I'm just going to leave things the way they are now, we're on good grounds. She confides in me when something is bothering her, so we're pretty close. I don't know who she spoke to about the contents of the letter, but there hasn't been any fights or arguments other than what she'd said to me herself. Maybe she chose to keep it between us two. I don't know

I just feel so relieved now that it's out in the open.

The only "terms and conditions" she gave was that I don't go ahead and post lots of stuff about my sexuality on Facebook again. Well, I already did, but subtlety was key. Just posted a little bit of text I typed about it turning out to be more than a phase, with the equality sign as a picture with that piece of text, and I modified that picture by putting the bisexual flag in the bottom right corner. It looks kinda silly but I didn't want to blurt it all out again like I did the first (few) time(s)... :rolle:

So, apart from posting that, what more can I do to get the message out there, but still remain "under the radar" to people who might not be so clued up about these things, and who might take offence or do something drastic like unfriend me?

I "liked" the LGBT News page the last time, but ended up "unliking" it, because it caused many ructions, especially when I reposted stuff that came up from that page...

I'm thinking of searching for something similar and "liking" that page too. It would show up on my news feed that I've "liked" that page, and I think that would be enough to let people know what I'm on about. Time to peruse Facebook for that perfect page, lol.

That was just a long ramble, but I just wanted to post an update to the ones following this thread.

Thanks for reading! (*hug*) :smilewave

 

We had a birthday celebration at their house on Sunday, and I think my sister and parents are finally starting to sort of accept homosexuality. At least in this case. The subject came up on Monday evening, and my sister said, "I don't condone it but in this case I think it's ok because they're not "in your face" about it. They just carry on in a normal fashion and their sexuality isn't shoved down people's throats" My mom agreed with her statement, so I think there's hope. Or am I reading too much into it?