Where to begin? Well I guess I can begin with apologising in advance for this probably being kind of long. It's really important to me, though, so please read as much as you can. I don't really expect any kind of response in particular, I just want some hugs I think. And this is really a heart-on-the-sleeve thing... Just so you know. So, the whole thing starts with my sexuality, I guess. When I was little, I experimented with my sexuality quite a bit. One time, partially because of this tendency, this largely backfired, in two steps. First, I had an older friend, or so I thought he was. He 'approached me' a few times. I thought he was only kidding around. I was proved wrong, and not in a nice way. I've never felt so confused in my entire life, never had such an existential crisis. Second, I had a best friend my age. Somehow, after this first thing, my idea was that I didn't even care anymore. I slept with him, but then this was discovered. When we were, that was the first and only time I've actually wanted to die. But I decided to take a little look around the world first. I wanted to know that there really wasn't anything worth staying for. Some years on, my (half-blood) sister was born. And so was I, again. My heart thawed. It was like I had paid by risking my life for a chance to have faith in humanity again. And so I have, now. I still haven't ever really been able to have faith in me, though. I'd describe myself as fairly confident in general. But I have not ever REALLY dared to be all that I can be, pass the point of no return, and live my life to its fullest. I want to, though, I really do. I know myself better now in terms of gender, sexuality, political position, ambitions, etc. And I thought to myself today as I were lying in the tub, "What price did I pay last time, in order to realize 'Phase one'? Well, I literally risked my life. So what do I have to pay with this time?" I think I have to pass the point of no return. The point of perfect vulnerability. Allow my skin to be glass, rather than rock. Run as fast as I can, be all I can be. And if I should fall, well then I'll fall. Thank you for reading! It really matters to me!
Well, keep on running. I am going forward too, trying to keep myself constantly moving, because I afraid the next time I stop, I might not ever be able to muster the strength to move again. So I have to keep up this momentum until I reach my destination, where ever that is. Good luck to you too, and I hope that you will find your destination one day. *hugs*
After reading that i don't really know what to say but you definitely deserve a hug(*hug*)(&&&)(*hug*)
