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I just...I don't know....(not suicide)

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by gasian, Apr 11, 2015.

  1. gasian

    Regular Member

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    Gay
    Like the title, I just....I don't know... but it's not suicide.

    I'm going to be attending a college along the west coast this fall. I'm super happy about it! But I'm also kind of scared. There's an LGBTQ+ Facebook group for said college, but I'm still in the closet. I know that I shouldn't join, because I have friends going to the college with me. Heck, my crush is going there (and no, I'm not following him there just to pursue him). I want to come out in college, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to be disowned, or rejected, or downright bullied at college because I want people to know who I am. I'm scared that I'm going to be all alone. I've never fit in. Not with the openly flamboyant gay guys, nor the ultra conservative people. I'm scared that college is going to be the exact same experience as high school: horrible. That I'm never going to fit in with life, always too much of something to fit somewhere, but not enough of it to fit in elsewhere.

    My family is...at best lukewarm about LGBTQ+, and I don't know how to bring it up. My mom and I were talking the other night, and she was talking about how my roommate had to be a white/asian, Christian, straight, male who was wholesome. Then just today at dinner, my little sister was talking about an openly gay guy at my school in a slightly disgusted manner. My mom just told her to tolerate it. That hurt so bad. These are the people that are supposed to support me, but I can't say anything because my mom needs physical therapy at the moment and stress will hurt her. I so want to tell her that what she says hurts me. I want to tell her that what she says crushes me. That what she and my sister say hurts more than if they sawed off my leg with a rusty spoon. My dad doesn't even support gays, which I understand is probably from him having seen a pride parade in NY a long time ago.

    I'm also super scared that I'm going to be outed, and the only way to get rid of this, is to come out...but I can't for physical and monetary reasons.

    I guess the best feeling to describe this would be...that I'm about to pop. I feel like I'm in a cage that's slowly crushing me. There's a vice around my heart, slowly squeezing what little life I have out of me. I'm not contemplating suicide, that was in 7th grade. I'm not going to do drugs, because that would get rid of my best asset-my brain. I just feel...I don't know...

    In school, I have a mask that I wear all the time. I'm the asian valedictorian. I'm the straight guy who's quiet. I'm the "perfect" child who makes high standardized test scores and gets into top colleges. I'm the sarcastic person who has horrible days when he gets out of the wrong side of the bed. I am the meek person who lets people in front of him to be nice, the one that fades into the background. I am so tired of this mask. I want to rip it off of my face and tear it to shreds. I want to be free to wear colorful v-necks and be proud of who I am. I want to be able to let out my emotions through dance, through singing, through shouting. I want to be able to interrupt people without feeling bad about it later. But I can't. I don't want to be judged on who I am based off of my sexuality. But I will be if people know I'm gay. Does the pain get any better? Will I ever be judged based on who I am personality wise, rather than who I am sexuality wise?

    Is this how it feels to be Divergent? For people to fear people like me, that don't fit into regular norms of society? For people to think that I am an aberration of nature?
     
  2. Eye Shine

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    Well first of all I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. Second I just want to confirm to you that California is mostly accepting of the LGBT community so you shouldn't have to worry about the feeling of being alone!
    Also a lot of colleges especially in California have a decent sized GSA or QSA (Gay Straight Alliance or Queer Straight Alliance). I would recommend coming out, getting in person support there, and being able to be yourself there. I myself wish I decided to join my high school GSA but I didn't and regret not doing that.

    In college you are given a second chance to show the real you which you couldn't show in high school and I believe that you should show it!

    I also understand your situation at home and part of the reason you don't want to be open is because of financial and family situations. I would recommend first off avoiding everyone you meet in high school to start off fresh. Join your QSA or GSA and get support there. Also if you meet someone you know in the QSA or GSA at that point they would be understanding enough not to talk about your sexual orientation. My last advice to you would be to be open in college and keep your college life from your family that lives far away. Also think you should either not add any of your friends from college that know the open you to any social media so they don't reveal your orientation or choice B make a separate college Facebook or other social media that your family wouldn't know about.

    You got this bro!
     
  3. gasian

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    Thanks Eye Shine! I'm sorry that I haven't been able to respond to this like I should have. I'm already planning on not maintaining contact with a lot of my "friends" from high school (no love lost there). The best part about my college is that out of the entire freshman class, I only know 3 people, and those I know from summer programs. Out of those three, only one is from my state, not even my school, so the chances of us even seeing each other is close to nil! It really is as clean of a start as I could imagine. However, what about the two people that know me on FB?

    So...the open LGBTQ added a FB closed group. I'm assuming that there's no way for me to hide it if I'm a part of it on social media. Is that correct?

    If you play pokemon, it's like I'm ready to evolve, but I've either got an everstone, I'm refusing to evolve, or some troll is mashing the B button...
     
  4. Eye Shine

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    If the FB part is the problem with connecting to LGBT groups and you want to make sure not to connect it back home. I would jsut make a second FB account. If you make second account you can connect with your LGBT groups and friends while making sure not to add anyone you know from back home.
    Then just use your normal one for connecting with family and friends back home.
    I think that would be the best option!
    Hope this helps!