help me avoid my second attempt please (long post)

Arfff
good day to all of us,

This is my first time posting at this site and probably the hardest post/confession in my life so far, so here we go.
Let me introduce myself,

basically I'm a 21 years old guy, very interested to BDSM lifestyle and a certain subcultures and variations within its practice. I haven’t told anyone about my “real” interest in life and my sexuality therefore I cant afford someone to identify who am I. The main reason of my hesitation to come out is the place I’m living, I live in South-East Asia specifically in Indonesia (yes in INDONESIA) where –in my opinion- people live strictly repressed by cultural, heritage, norm, religion, etc. and people here actually care about what other people think. Because the social discrimination people like me might get therefore some people that consider themselves different (including me) have to use a mask to hide who we really are and act like what they expected. Of course some us are brave enough to stand up and fight for our right –bless them- but still it’s a very long way to get socially accepted.

I am a med student and in less than 3 years will get full license to practice in my country. And this is where the problem started because I know in 3 years I may not be able to do want I want at all and right now i know i am risking endangering myself by being a med student.

I knew I was different since I was 13 and by the age of 14 I have accepted myself fully that I am gay. From when I was 14 to 18 my parent successfully detain my portable hard drive twice with some “sexually different” content that I hid in a password protected folder but somehow they use their power –money- to get my folders cracked. The first time it got busted I used the excuse that it was my friends stuff, that I don’t know what’s inside because he just asked me to temporarily hold it for him.

I got my first trip to psychologist shortly after the first bust incident due to insomnia, inability of focus and excessive fatigue. His diagnosis was Anxiety but in the middle of the damn session he asked me about my sex orientation and the origin of the first bust incidence, I try to evade and refuse to answer the question because I know its irrelevancies to the current condition since I already accept my differences since the first time it struck and I know that my parents try to dig something up in my mind that I am not ready to tell yet.

The second bust incident happen when I’m 17 and just about to face national high school final exam. And this time I got no more than ”its just curiosity, they told me that today in pop up sex ed classes”. It went to hell ever since, the night and one full month after the bust we have to do evening prayer together. They watch my move 24/7, convince me to take some pray away the gay program for certain religion (some of the method they’re using is dangerous, very unrealistic and scientifically not proven to be effective) and the peak is when my dad says and I quote “one day you’ll tell me that you were different than the rest of us and trust me son that when that day come either when you tell me yourself or I have to find out another way, I’ll kill you with my own hand...”

Then I won another trip to psychologist for my insomnia and after three session and some cognitive and behavioral therapy it didn’t get any better and also because the national exam is coming in less than few weeks away and my condition seemed to be worse I got referred to a psychiatrist to get real medication. The medication helped me a lot that time.

After graduation I enrolled myself to a respectable pre-med and med school program in my country that 1 hour of flight away from home just to reduce stress my family have inflicted.

The first time I found out about BDSM was roughly 2 years ago when I was on my 3rd semester, they brought this topic in one of the psychiatry classes as a part of human sexuality learning units. When every single person think of the ‘alternative lifestyle’ with eye full of disgust, I’m the only one that actually excited and have a lot of question to the lecturer that I my only problem is that i have to restrain not to out myself in public. In the class the lecturer said that it’s a normal variation but still she add another notes from Koran and Bible just to ensure that we don’t fall into it, but its kind of too late for me and hell when she quoting from holy scripture it have a reverse effect on me (sorry ma’am I’m immune to that). After a long couple of weeks of thought and reading few articles finally I found something that just feels right, that just fit me. But again, social pressure makes it hard to bear. People started to notice my “interest in alternative lifestyle” and when they start to talk behind my back and SNAP that insomnia back in action. After sleep deprived for almost 3 days I decided to pay a visit to a psychiatrist. Unfortunately fate have a bad thing planned for me SHIT it was the same lecturer that gave me a hint to BDSM and when she realized that the hyper-excited and super high-curiosity student in trouble then she start to dig up my dirt and draw some pattern and I AM FUCKING KNOW that this time I have to go GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS OFFICE and find a new psychiatrist in the expensive private practice just for the sake of my privacy.

Failed to get my meds in private practice due to my unwillingness to share my feelings, I turned from anxiety feeling to became suicidal (I was unable to sleep and if I’m not mistaken it was my 4th day). And having a deep knowledge to human body and drugs I know the weak spots and sweet shit to put me to sleep and probably end this miserable stuff ever with no pain in the process. The first I try was combining booze with certain meds but it only give me a sleepy feeling with terrible kick on the head when I woke up. Realizing it was not enough and I try to adding a few things just so this sick feeling came to an end. Long story short I ended up in the ICU after a gastric lavage procedure, chelation, dialysis and 3 days in medically induced coma. They (the family I’m staying with) found me and I asked them not to tell my parents because I know that by they knowing that means I admit defeat and I have to have a long and deep conversation with a man that give me a death threat.

5 semesters later (7 weeks ago to be exact) I finished pre-med and receive my bachelor degree and during this spare time I found an article about a certain variation in BDSM that really caught myself. When I was reading, it was like seeing a part of me there, where everyone looks so happy and just be who they really are, no invisible mask to wear like the one I have to wear everyday to hid the real me, but they actually wore a real mask just to show that this is who they really are. and I didn’t realize that my tears start running across my face when I halfway reading the article(not to be sound dramatic but it actually happened). The feeling was like finding BDSM stuffs for the first time but it was more that just feels right, just imagining it gives me joy and self fulfillment (the emotional side of me at least). After finding such article I bought myself a piece of chain (construction material steel with total length of 100 cm with total weight approx. just below 0.6 kg) and sometimes now and then I just put it around my neck (unlocked since I don’t have anything to tie it with and I know that locked chain collar means that they are owned to another person) and just to have a feeling its heaviness and the amazing thing is the calming effect it bought to me. I started to sleep on the carpet on the floor instead of a mattress, it makes me feels right where I am supposed to, it may looks uncomfortable but it feels just right for me. But now I’ve just started clinical rotation in my med school and I have to live together in a shared apartment with another med student that found my behavior kind of bizarre and inhumane. News spread out fast to entire hospital like a disease. And guess what, its back again the insomnia, bad feeling, extreme fatigue.

It was selfish of me and a coward act for doing it for the first time and if I really have a choice I really don’t want try to pull the stunt or rather not pulling another stunt like that. But its going to be harder because now I have a legal prescription pad, a BLANK one, the one that supposed to be used to prescribe meds to patient and with it in my hand I can get the strongest meds to pull my trigger.

I have a question to you guys. As a desperate man living in a repressive environment and that just try to find a place in this currently unjust place I’m living in

Any advice for me to overcome my situation? Because at this moment the impulse of relapsing and pulling another stunt is really up high.

Ps: I can’t go to real support group in my country without outing myself. I probably cant come out to anyone after the death threat the man given to me 4 years ago, it keep echoing, and judging the way sometimes when the man look at me I knew he never forgotten about it and would never let me forget that. Therapy in psychologist and psychiatrist here is kind of crap that now I’ve been working inside the system for couple of week, I know they talk about their patient to their fellow colleague without the patients consent. I know it’s a breech to doctor-patient confidentiality and I don’t want mine to go viral especially in my own workplace.

Any positive input/advice/suggestion are appreciated. Since I’m going straight down out of my mind at the moment.

I know I have to keep my head up high and see the world as a happy place to be but its definitely not at the moment. Its just makes me sad to imagine my quest to find my place have to end before it even begun. Probably its going to be easier if I have someone that willing at just pat the back of my head and telling me that everything gonna be okay, even I know that wasn’t exactly true.

Thanks for anyone out here that willing to spare some time reading this almost 2000 words of my feeling. But again I really AM that desperate and i'm started to losing my grip right now

 

arffff
thank you all for your response,

Right now and for the next 5 years, i'm in the position of unable to support myself financially. In the medschool even we are treating a patient we dont get paid for any medications and medical procedure that we gave to the patient(which is what i'm doing for the next 3 years). The following 2 years after med school when we got our license we have to practice under partial supervision, the salary is USD 140 per month and will be given trimonthly and after the practice after supervision period is over then i can fully oractice on my own. Currently i have a part time job as teaching assistant in one of the department and trust me the pay is terrible.

if i came out of my closet then i have to run away from my current living place and forced to live homeless just to avoid the death threat from the man and i have to quit med school because of the high tuition fee. If i quit medschool then i lost my part time job as a teaching assistant. Therefore i'll end up homeless and having no social skill at all is not going to help me survive. Yes currently i do have a bachelor degree but to apply to a job you have to proof you have full legal document sometimes including birth certificate, high school diploma, family cards etc. which i dont have it in my hand and the man will not give it to me due to his suspicion at me.

Hell he wouldn't let me go anywhere with a scene that might include mens with barely minimal clothing like beach or gyms. If i want to go to beaches I even have to make excuses like sleeping over at my friends place for a couple of days and even with the excuse he still asked whether my friend is a guy? will it be just the two of us? it makes me crazy and just want to scream at the man telling him to shut the hell up

the only thing that help me holding on so far is because i'm stealing meds from psyche patient. I know i shouldn't be proud of what i'm doing, i know its selfish that i only think about myself and unable to put my patients safety on the top of my priority, i know that i might get expelled from what i'm doing but i dont see any other option to at least lower my impulses. I've lost my healthy 6 hours of night sleep in the last week, my mood is a wreck and my hand starts shaking when i doing medical procedure which is not good from me or the receiving end.

I have a plan to leave my country and start another life abroad. A new life where i can be who i am and not caring what people think of me. i like the idea of living my life to the fullest, but the idea of spending my life in another country homeless and jobless really scares the hell out of me.

thats what makes me thinking about attempting another stunts, between uncertainty of the future, death threats, social stigma and discrimination

i'm tired of being watched 24/7 even in my early 20's
i'm tired i cant express who am i
i'm tired of living in this small closet, that in my mind keeps getting smaller everyday and makes me hard to breathe
i'm tired
i'm desperate
i'm lonely
i'm angry

i dont know how long i can keep holding on to this
i just want this bad things to go to an end
should i terminate my journey before it even begun

:help::help:

 

arfff

thanks for your support gandalf, i'm a lot more stable mentally today.
seduxen (diazepam) wont work for me anymore... currently i'm on stolen ativan (lorazepam) for anxiety and Clozapine for suicidal toughts, it does the trick for me right now (hopefully i don't need anything stronger)

yeah i better stay inside the closet for my own safety atm and keep putting my mask on.

i'm living an hour flight away from my parent but they still annoys me and keep asking me to find a girl and get married asap. which is impossible for me due to my preferences.

anyway the code blue has passed
really thank you all for making me realize that i have more to look forward