Hello, my name is Deadsouls. I am an 18 year old, I am about to turn 19 on 4/20 (I do not celebrate that drug day). I have been out of the closet to my family for 4 years now. I came out of the closet to most people except my family about 4 and a half years ago. Since those 4 and a half years ago, I have had a lot of panic attacks. Some that have ended me up in the hospital. My first major one was when I was 15, my family was going to move to Ohio on July 14th. It was the 26th of June, I had a lot of anger built up from being picked on in 8th grade of that year. I lashed out at my parents and destroyed everything in my room. I broke my bunk bed. I destroyed my computer, I destroyed my mirror. I broke my lamp. The only things that were left were my bed, stuff animals, a TV, an Xbox, and a dresser. Fast forward to this last weekend, I got all angry over this boy I had some feelings with and my parents did not want me to have anything to do with him because he is 15. I was off my anti-depressants and mood stabilizer at the time. My parents were being very critical and I told them to leave me alone 10 times. They kept on harassing me about him and I flipped out. I grabbed my boombox and threw it to the ground, I went to this razor blade and slit my left wrist (I haven't cut in 8 months before). I had this full-fledged autistic meltdown (I have Asperger's Syndrome). I feel terrible about my panic problems and it really has affected my outlook on life. I was happy and not suicidal for 2 months before this happened. I thought I was going to finally get out of this hole. I fell right back in. I hate myself so much right now and I just do not know what to do with myself. I feel pathetic and pitiful.
When you feel calm, try to identify your triggers when you slow down a bit. Get in the habit of examining yourself and questioning why you do these things. It could be an external stressor or something in your thoughts, but when you know what it is, you will be empowered to eliminate it or find a solution. Hang in there! Ask for support! It's great you're able to come here and share because that helps.
I do most of this by myself but I am always cornered and I really just want some isolation from my family. They are always worried about another suicide attempt or me having a panic attack. I really do not want to be smothered. I would rather be around my friends than my family most of the time because they do not question me 24/7 or accuse me of doing x or doing y.
