When i was 15 i had sex with a guy even though i said no and didn't want to. I got myself into the situation because i'd just broken up with my gf but now everytime i do anything with a guy i get these really bad flash backs and start crying and can't breath properly and stuff. How do i know if i hate making out with guys because i'm a lesbian or if it's just because of that one time when i was 15?
There's so much I want to say, but starting with, I really feel bad. I have the best wishes for you. Sexual assault is an incredibly traumatic thing. People think of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, for example, as just something soldiers get when in war, but in fact, the victims of all kinds of violence can be traumatized in this regard. I'm surely not suggesting a diagnosis, only that in very general terms, sexual assault is very hard to handle by yourself. Nobody can tell you what your orientation is or how serious your pain is. That is something you need to explore and understand yourself. If you can find a good therapist, you may discover that just having a knowledgable, experienced person you can talk with about it can speed your growth. Already I feel like I'm being somewhat arrogant. I really wish the best for you. Good luck.
Thank you so much, you don't seem arrogant at all! and i really appreciate everything you just said. But it wasn't sexual assault, i said no and i didn't want to but when he forced me i didn't even try to fight i just lay there crying so it was my fault. The idea of therapy kind of scares me, how do you even find a good therapist? also my parents couldn't know, they think i'm fine and i don't want to worry them so not sure how i would hide it.
On your profile you identify as Lesbian and it sounds like you had a girlfriend prior to this incident when you was 15, so maybe your feelings are more inclined towards the same sex. What is your instinct telling you in this regard? Caiteee, I must tell you that in most civilised countries, what happened to you would most certainly be considered a sexual assault. If the word no is stated and sex still takes place (with or without force or violence) it is an assault. I must also tell you that it was not your fault and you must never, ever think that. There are therapists who specialise in supporting people who have been sexually assaulted and if you have a victim support group in your locality they may be able to put you in touch with someone with the relevant expertise, in confidence. I would suggest a victims group as your starting point. The feelings you are having right now may well be connected to what happened and support is essential to get past them.
