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Should I tell him I'm kind of asexual?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by sporn, Apr 20, 2015.

  1. sporn

    sporn Guest

    There's this guy who likes me. I'm not sure if I like him back. Should I tell him I'm kind of asexual? I honestly think I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum, but I'm pretty sure I'm not fully asexual. I don't want to mention my feelings for girls. Will saying I'm kind of asexual make him think I'm gay or bi?
     
  2. randomly me

    randomly me Guest

    It probably won't make him think that you're gay or bi however depending on what kind of person he is it could be that he won't stop trying because most people don't believe asexuality is a real thing.Saying you currently aren't ready for any kind of relationship might work better.
     
  3. Im Hazel

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    If you like him, you could just take the relationship up until the point where people would usually have sex, and then tell him that you don't want to. There is no shame in not doing something if you don't want to do it.
     
  4. Chip

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    If you're pretty sure you aren't interested in him it would be a terrible idea to go out with him up until the point you're about to have sex. Think of how you'd feel if someone did that to you.

    What I think I hear you saying is that you feel like you're more attracted to girls than to guys. If that's the case, and you aren't ready to come out... then I think it's reasonable to say something like "I think you're really nice, but I see you as a friend and not someone I'd want to date. It's not about you, I just don't feel like there's chemistry there." That should get the message across.

    Now... if you actually think you might have feelings for him, you could give it a try, but you owe it to him to let him know really early on if it isn't working for you... not to simply wait until time for sex and then say no.
     
  5. sporn

    sporn Guest

    I'm not sure if I have feelings for him or not. I kind of want to tell him I'm kind of asexual to give him a heads up that our relationship might not work out. I don't want to mention my feelings for girls because I don't think it's relevant and most guys have a bad reaction to that.
     
  6. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    It would be better to tell him that you're not looking to date him, rather than just telling him you're (kind of) asexual. Like randomly me said, some people don't believe in asexuality. Therefore I think that he'd also think you're just saying it, and that you're not really asexual.

    You say you're not sure of your feelings for him. Well, don't lead him on until you're sure. Tell him NOW that you're not looking to date him. Just that. No further explanations needed. If he asks why, then just tell him that you're just not looking to date him, and that's all there is to it. Don't give him false hope, and don't leave any loopholes, because he will take advantage of it and continue to try and get with you. Be straight to the point, and don't hesitate. If you want to leave a possibility to maybe date him further down the line then you can say "I'm not looking to date you right now"

    Good luck, it doesn't sound like an easy situation to be in (*hug*)
     
  7. Chip

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    The only problem with that is (a) it's inauthentic, and (b) it further perpetuates the misuse of the asexual label which is really selfish and does no one any good. What you're essentially saying is, you aren't interested in being honest with him because you're afraid of his reaction. That attitude is a great way to start a really unhealthy relationship.

    I'd suggest either being honest or not pursuing it at all. Lying is not OK for the reasons stated above.
     
  8. Austin

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    Why would you tell him you're asexual if you're not sure whether or not you are? If you're not interested in him, the solution is very simple: tell him that you're not interested in him that way.

    If you are interested in him and want to start a relationship and worry that you may be asexual, it would be okay to disclose that to him first if you wish. But don't say you're asexual just to get out of having to tell him you're not interested.
     
  9. sporn

    sporn Guest

    I'm honestly not sure if I have feelings for him. I'm pretty sure I'm not fully asexual. I think I've felt sexual attraction a few times. It's just so hard for me to know if my feelings are real or not.

    I'm not going to say I'm asexual as a way of rejecting him. I'm just saying it so he won't take it personally if I suddenly seem to lack attraction to him. It's also a warning for him to proceed with caution. If he doesn't think he can deal with a girl who might lack attraction to him he can move on before he gets emotional invested.
     
  10. Chip

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    Why did you even bother to post if you already knew what you were going to do regardless of what anyone said?

    Basically, what you're saying is you don't give a fuck about lying to him, you don't give a fuck about disrespecting people who are genuinely asexual by using the label incorrectly to serve your own selfish needs, you aren't interested in being authentic with him, and you want to essentially use him as a guinea pig. That's really, really messed up.

    If you have any integrity at all, you'll just tell him you have no idea if you're really interested in him or not, but you're willing to date him and see. Leave lying about your sexual identity out of it.
     
  11. sporn

    sporn Guest

    I'll just tell him that. I won't mention my sexual identity at all.