I apologise if this is really long, I'll try and make it as short as I can! All my life I have considered myself straight. It wasn't until I came to university that I started to think that I might be bi or gay. I started to like this girl the moment that I saw her and we eventually got talking (due to the fact that we were both a little drunk). Nothing happened but it was as if I couldn't stop thinking about her and would look forward to the next time that I would possibly bump into her or be at the same party as her. We just went on being friends for months and after not seeing her for a while, I would convince myself that it was just a phase. However, it was when I started to find myself attracted to other girls after her that I began to wonder. There was a few instances where I would see a girl when I was out and find her attractive whereas I wouldn't see any guys and think the same. One drunken night, me and and my best friend ended up kissing and it wasn't until I sobered up that I stopped it going any further. I thought this was just a drunken fumble until it happened again, and again, and again. I decided to bring it up one night and we both admitted that we weren't attracted to each other and it was just that we both so drunk and admittedly obviously because none of us pulled a guy that night. Another night, I admitted to her that I felt I was bi because I found had found guys and girls attractive before and she agreed to feeling the same but upon reflection, I feel like she was just agreeing to make me feel better. We were both a little drunk during that conversation and it has never been mentioned again. I've since found myself attracted to a few other girls but I still feel as if I am madly in love with the first girl and its getting to the point now where I am so frustrated that I just want to tell her, as I know she is gay herself. But I am so scared. I definitely know that this won't go away though as it has been nearly a year. Throughout my whole first year of uni, I've kissed a few guys to try to convince myself that I am straight (stupid I know) and every time, I haven't gotten anything out of it and I never felt attracted to the guys in all honesty. I'm just writing this as a last resort and in the hope that someone has been through the same or can advise me what to do? This has obviously came as a shock to me but I feel like I need to tell someone how I am feeling.
I can relate! I am actually now with the girl I first fell in love with, against ALL odds. So it is possible. I'd encourage you to think about how you handle regret - are you the kind of person who can deal with living the rest of your life "never knowing" how she feels about you because you feel too nervous to tell her how you feel? How does that balance for you with the risks (losing her friendship? etc)? I'd encourage you to follow your heart and let yourself fully experience the feelings you're having. Maybe she's feeling exactly the same way as you are...from what you've described I think that could very well be the case. Best of luck!
