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I don't know what to do, feeling like depression is back :(

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by FrenchKid98, Apr 22, 2015.

  1. FrenchKid98

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    *Sorry for the long post but as I said at the end, this was basically my feelings spilling out*

    So how do I start…

    I’m posting this to get all of it off my chest. This is isn’t exactly about a LGBT issue, although me being gay does add some stress to the whole thing.

    Basically these past couple months, my life has gone down and down. I have ADD and my concentration issues are ruining my school year. I am in 11th grade (for those who don’t know, it’s the year before last of high school) and I am currently failing physics (I am doing the IB, and my last trimester grade was a 2, where as the minimum to pass is a 3) and my school’s administration basically told me that as all of the spots for 11th grade are already taken for the next school year (as my school has quite a long waiting list), if I didn’t pass I had to go.
    This is really hard on me as my failure is not something I willingly caused, I’ve been at this school since 2009 and I really do not want to have to switch school, especially as the choice for international style school (so in English) is very limited where I live.
    I most definitely do not wanna have to go to boarding school as I am not very comfortable socially with people around my age I don’t know (I think this probably comes from the bullying I got back in elementary/primary school) so making new friends can be hard, and also the fact that I’m gay makes it harder because boarding school means dorm which means sharing a room with guys which means not a safe place for a gay guy.

    Back to my concentration issues: Thanks to my ADD, I am a very very very heavy procrastinator, and I sadly don’t have as much self control as I should so concentrating on work is a real challenge. While I am currently only failing physics, my grades in my other classes mostly dropped as well and are mediocre. As I used to be good at school and found it pretty easy, this is also very hard to deal with. Because of this, I got behind on some work, and with more and more assignments and due dates coming, it’s spiraling out of control and my psychological health is pretty low. On top of that, I was sick for a week before the holidays so I also have all this work to catch up, and I didn’t manage to do it all during the break.

    All of this mess is making me lose my mind. I can’t sleep correctly unless I take (natural) sleeping aid pills and sometimes even this is not enough. I have to resort to something that I’m probably gonna get judged for, which is weed (marijuana). As some people around here might know, I do enjoy smoking weed and my circle of friends being full of stoners, some I’m discovering even now, it’s never very far. And this used to not be a problem when I only used it when getting high with friends on Friday nights.
    The problem now is that I’m stuck to resorting to it as a way to fall asleep when I’m really too tensed to manage without. As it is not physically addictive, I can of course always stop, but then I’m having troubles to sleep and it’s a freaking vicious cycle.

    The reason I am posting this is that I’m starting to think I may be back in for one more depression. I am so anxious and stressed out all the time that I lost the ability to let out my feelings, when I feel like crying because I’m desperate from the stress load nothing comes out. The weed I smoke to sleep used to help relieve my depressive feelings but it has only been temporary relief.
    I finally spilled it all out on here, and if you read up to here THANK you so much. I realized I wrote a lot but this was basically my feelings spilling out with no limits.

    Thank you again for reading and if you have any advice or are/have been in a similar situation, please post below, it would really make me feel better
     
  2. sartorious

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    arfff

    first of all i would like to say that i sympathize to your condition right now. I cant even imagine. I cant even imagine being told that i might have to quit high school in the middle of my learning process.

    have you considered seeking professional help for your ADD?? my friend in pre med had one, after the psychiatrist initiate Ritalin therapy he can focus better and his grade start coming back up.

    its called addiction when it causing any problem both physically or socially, and from my point of view you already have a problem.

    the impression i got right now from your post is you are using marijuana to relieve your anxiety. Marijuana have some sort of "anxiety relieving" property with unknown mechanism due to its Cannabidiol content.

    i would suggest you stop using marijuana for your sleeping aid... research shows that long term use may cause you to:
    1. unable to fall asleep
    2. experiencing non-restorative sleep (you can fell asleep but still feel tired afterwards)
    3. Excessive daytime sleepiness / Narcolepsy

    Have you try meditation before?? or Breathing Therapy?? from what i've heard that they have some sort of calming effect and reduce anxiety, i still havent found any evidence that medically relevant to support that though...

    anyway please seek professional help, a psychiatrist can easily solve all of your mentioned problem ( ADD, Anxiety/Depression, Sleeping Difficulty )

    this is my opinion.
    feel free to ignore if you find this not useful or irrelevant
    have good day for you

    arfff
     
  3. FrenchKid98

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    Thank you so much for your answer, means a lot that you took the time to read through all of that

    I should have probably mentioned that but I was just writing out my feelings so I forgot, but I've been diagnosed with ADD by a specialist who gave me a prescription for Ritalin, the only trouble is that my body rejects it. I get a noticeably increased heart rate soon after taking it, a feeling of being high during the effect and then a coming period full of depressive feelings, and that was back when I wasn't depressed.
    As any stimulant does some help for ADD I have only found some help in caffeine and nicotine (mainly through an ecig) but it is minimal.

    I have been thinking to slowly decrease and then stop my use of marijuana as a sleep aid and I think I'm gonna try that. Though I have not felt any physical addiction (I don't even believe it is possible with weed), I think I'm possibly on the verge of a mental addiction. But I think I should still decrease slowly as thinking about stopping immediately brings back the anxiety of all the shit around me.
    I have also heard about the deep sleep issue and while it does not affect everybody this way, I believe it probably affects me as a sign is no dreaming during sleep.

    I have tried deep breathing with some success in minor cases of anxiety.
     
  4. SemiCharmedLife

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    I have ADHD myself and I know there are other forms of medication for ADHD if Ritalin's not good for you. I'd check with a psychiatrist or other physician to see about trying other kinds of medication.
     
  5. MattisStuck

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    I'm also ADD, and a chronic procrastinator. Ritalin stopped me from eating enough and also increased my heart rate. All of the medications that I tried worked as far as my focus was concerned, but left me feeling physically shitty. I take no medications currently, and all I really needed to do was find my niche in the "professional" world. I never did too well in school myself, just scraping by in the subjects I wasn't interested in.

    I cut out the pot mostly a couple of months back, it actually helped a lot. Weed helped me become addicted to an alcohol/pot cross fade as well, which makes sense considering I have an addictive personality. It did not aid in my focus in school or work when I used it very regularly. The negative effect of the regular pot smoking got worse and worse as time went on. I still have a few hits a week but only with friends, and only if I'm feeling good and actively engaging in pleasant conversation. I found that when I smoked alone or when in a bad mood it didn't end up helping in sleep or anxiety because it made me anxious and introspective (which is a place I find myself going to fairly regularly anyway, just less severely and intensely).

    I found that replacing my drinking and smoking with daily exercise helped my confidence, bumped my self esteem a little, and increased the energy I have to face the day. I also think with more clarity, which helps in every aspect of my daily life. I'm also more able to deal with my anxiety and depression and process my sexuality with a clearer mindset.

    I never found a really good solution for my sleep issues, and I have to drink a lot of coffee to stay awake during the day (5 cups is normal) and work effectively. On any given day after my last caffination wears off, I crash for 4 or 5 hours. I wake up, lay awake for a while, and usually find another 30 minutes to an hour and a half of sleep before it's time to start the day. Maybe not the best way to get sleep, but at least I get enough now. Well not ACTUALLY enough as far as what we're actually supposed to get, but enough for me to get by and press on.

    How often do you have bouts of depression and anxiety? I noticed that you said that you "might be in for one more depression." Mine is cyclical. Sometimes the revolution from mediocre to depressed is months, sometimes it's day to day. Over the years, I've managed to accept it as part of myself. You also may want to look into therapy, it sounds like a good one may benefit you.

    Probably not a ton of useful advice here, just know you aren't alone. Hope you feel better, good luck to you.
     
  6. sartorious

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    Arff
    No probs

    i have anxiety issue and suicidal thought problem. I just got off Antipsychotic yesterday and still taking Ativan for my anxiety

    i've read several articles that withdrawal symptoms on recreational or light user of MJ is almost non-existant but yeah some people still report they experience anxiety and irritability when stop taking them at all. So if tapper down gave you less withdrawal symptom then go for it.

    For your ADD, I'll try to ask psych resident and a consultant later about possible alternative medication beside methylphenidate. Have you contact your specialist about the adverse effect you experienced and ask for alternatives?? In my place we(medical personals) have to report side effects to the drug authority.
     
  7. Monraffe

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    You seem intelligent and you write very well. I'm not seeing any reason you shouldn't be optimistic about your future. I had many of the same problems you described myself in college. I don't think there was anything I could have done to prevent them, it was all way too overwhelming for me at the time. Sorry, I'm not trying to depress you even more, I just don't think you should feel guilty about it and blame yourself for things you can't control. It does suck that this is happening right when you need to perform but your personal problems and your performance are too separate things.

    Keep trying to force yourself to study. Being depressed and distracted with ADD won't prevent you from learning if you can just force yourself to keep at it. Pot is not your friend here. Being stoned makes it harder to study and you have enough problems studying without adding more.

    I know how hard this is but just keep at it and keep telling yourself you can do it. Set daily goals and don't stop until you have reached them every single day even if it means you have to stay up all night. If you can get through the material you will do well. Your personal problems won't prevent you from succeeding. They won't prevent you from succeeding!
     
  8. Niall Horan

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    This is why I don't like how education is done. If you ever drop the ball, it's hard to pick it back up. Are you seeing a therapist or anything? If not, you should. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Most people thing meditation is just a bunch of hocus pokis but it really can help with stress. My best regards to you! oo(*hug*)
     
  9. FrenchKid98

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    Thank you for your answer.

    I am aware that there are some alternatives, sadly as far as I know, most of them are not available in Europe or at least not where I live.
     
  10. FrenchKid98

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    Thank you for your message

    I'm gonna cut down on my smoking. I can relate with your problem with cross fading as I do it most Friday nights in town with friends (drinking age = 16 where I live).

    I had I think about 3 depressive periods between 7th grade and 9th grade, and it was because I had trouble accepting my sexuality. But I had gotten over it and even came out to my parents.

    I'll come back to answer the rest of the posts as I have to be in class now...
     
  11. FrenchKid98

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    Edit: sorry for the triple post but as the editing time limit is in place I had to post multiple times...

    Thank you for your advice, I'm really happy I got a nice amount of good responses.

    Those past couple of weeks have been the hardest because of all the work I have to catch up. I did not have much free time during the break as I was trying to catch things up.
    It really got to an overwhelming point where I couldn't see the point of it anymore and couldn't see anything good coming before hours upon hours, days upon days and months upon months of work.
    Getting all of this out helped me a bit already, and some posts here have convinced me to do something I had been thinking of a bit, which is taking a break from the weed, at least until I get my sh:***:it together

    Thank you for your optimism, I've been lacking of it lately.


    Thank you as well for your message. I agree with your view, most education systems believe that more is more/better, whereas in Finland for e.g. they believe more in less is more/better. They believe you shouldn't overwhelm students so much and they generally start no earlier than 9am as morning sleep is very important for teenagers. And it the end they get better results than other countries...

    I used to go see a therapist, but she thought that there was we could really bring an improvement to, mind you this was some months back and she didn't know every little detail as I hate talking about my private life, especially with people I haven't known for a while. But I could possibly go back to see her if needed. I believe she knows I'm gay (my parents talked with her after I told them) so that's not a problem.
    I actually believe in things like meditation, yoga and acupuncture because I have seen what it can do for people.

    Thank you again for your input :slight_smile: