What do think virginity is? In today's world, it it even a useful concept? I'm thinking of this as a parent of a 3 yo and a 7 yo. We are open about sex and sexuality as much as is appropriate, but I'm not sure what to say, if anything, on the topic of virginity. Teens/non parents are welcome to reply. What were you told, or what do you wish you had been told?
I think It's a useless social construct that has no meaning at all. If I had to define it, it would be someone who lacks experience with -anything- below the waist with another person (vaginal intercourse, anal, strap-ons, oral, and handjobs all included). However, that is my personal opinion and I will not bash others who are more specific. But I don't think rigid definitions should be taught as universal, since they can contribute to STDs and heterosexist mentalities. I was taught the whole 'penis goes in vagina' definition. I hated it as a closeted teen (at the time, this was 10 years ago) and it made me hate myself and my sexuality- even to the point of considering suicide since I wanted so badly to share that milestone. I've since recovered and now define things on my own terms (without caring what others think) but it was rather damaging and unhealthy at the time of my fragile age and I regret growing up believing that. I'm also not a fan of how sacred virginity is treated. I'm not saying we should promote casual encounters, but rather the idea of virginity being an object you can't get back. I've seen so many people regret their first times when it was with a rapist or a jerk of a partner even to the point of wanting to throw their life away because that 'object' is now gone. Things happen and everyone makes mistakes! I believe sex is special, but if your first time felt meaningless, you should still get the chance to make it special in the future.
Wow, this is actually very profound to use for somebody stressing over virginity. Overall I agree with you that we put too much stock in the technicality of it and not enough recognition that it means only as much or as little as we want it to.
I believe it's what you're supposed to give on your wedding night and that you are a virgin until you CHOOSE to be intimate sexually with someone
I think Fallingdown7 said exactly what I would have said if I could make sense of the thoughts going through my head. Since she did, I can just ramble meaninglessly now. I dislike the concept of virginity as something to be "lost," and the idea that "keeping it" makes you more pure and more valuable. The number of teen girls who worry they're not virgins anymore because they use tampons makes me sick, because they seriously worry about it, like there's something wrong with not having an intact hymen. And then there are girls who say they're still virgins because they haven't had vaginal sex -- never mind that they've had oral, anal, etc. Why say that? Because even they see virginity as something sacred, something that when lost decreases your value as a woman -- they'd be ashamed of not being virgins. And they see P-in-V sex as "real" sex (which is probably in part what prompts the awful question, "How do lesbians have sex?"). So yeah, basically, to me -- virginity isn't something you "give" or "lose." It should just be a term used to designate people who haven't had sex yet. (Ideally, it wouldn't even exist, but that's not going to happen.) For your kids... I think you're on the right path and it's awesome you're open with them. I'm sure you'll figure out how to tackle the subject.
For me virginity is innocence from committing any sexual acts...whether it be through thoughts or actions.
Well, to me, it means never having penetrated, or been penetrated (i.e. vaginal, anal, and oral). It seems more like a scale, with 100% virginity knowing absolutely nothing about sex. around 50% being handjobs, fingering, and frotting, and 0% after penetration or being penetrated by another person. However, doing it to yourself is not losing your virginity to me. I know this sounds weird... Still a 90% virgin here, in that I know what everything is, but have never been with anybody, not even kissing.
It's not just the notion that viriginity is something sacred you should keep, but also the other side of the spectrum ,that losing your viriginity is this awesome, life-changing experience that will give you more profound insight into life's mysteries. Especially among (straight) men it seems to be a contest/boast thing who loses his virginity first.
To me virginity means being intimate with someone else, rather it be penetration or oral sex. As far as what I wish I would have been told or what you should tell them when they get to the appropriate age would just be how you would define having sex with a girl or guy and that there is protection for both because I feel a lot of people do not know that especially if it is a relationship with two women, and I know from when I was younger schools don't teach you anything about being gay in a relationship, only if you are straight.