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My sexual orientation obsession is making me scream

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by sporn, Apr 22, 2015.

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  1. sporn

    sporn Guest

    It's literally driving me crazy. I spend pretty much the whole day thinking about my sexual orientation even if I try to think of something unrelated. An example is piano. I'm trying to focus more on playing piano. That works for a while, but then I notice thoughts about my sexual orientation pop up again.

    I get stupid thoughts like "No gay girls play piano, you'll never fit in to the gay community." or "If I become well known, will I have an obligation to come out of the closet?" or "If I get a girlfriend will I have to hide that I play piano from her?" "If I make friends that play piano do I have to hide my sexual orientation?"

    Now my brain associates piano with my sexual orientation obsession! It's drives me crazy. Especially when I'm just trying to enjoy playing piano. If I see an attractive girl playing piano I get freaked out because I feel like I might have some piano fetish.

    I also obsessively question my sexual orientation. It drives me crazy because it forces me to stay in the closet. I also hate it when people encourage me to date men. Especially if they know about my sexuality issues. When I think about people pressuring me to date men it literally makes me scream sometimes.

    The only reason those people know is because I came out to some people when I was fourteen. I really regret it. I tried to come out to people, but everyone told me it was a phase. Now I'm obsessively questioning my sexuality.
     
    #1 sporn, Apr 22, 2015
  2. Argentwing

    Argentwing
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    I don't know what the piano has to do with it, but it's a lovely instrument that lesbians are totally allowed to play without it being weird.

    I also get the feeling that people reacting badly is a fact of life. You are how you are and anyone who can't accept it will have to handle it; the burden is not on you. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Argentwing, Apr 22, 2015
  3. sporn

    sporn Guest

    I actually play a more unusual instrument. I just call it piano because I'm embarrassed about it. My instrument is mostly associated with old people music. I happen to enjoy old people music, which is why I chose my instrument.

    I know that bad reactions are a fact of life. I'm just sick of only getting dismissive reactions. I sometimes tell homophobes on the internet I'm gay just because I find straight up homophobia refreshing and validating. I feel like a fraud doing that because I'm scared that I'm not actually gay and just a bisexual in denial or going through a phase.

    I'm sick of people thinking feminine girls can't be truly gay. Since I'm feminine looking and scared of not being truly gay I'm scared of coming out. I guess I'm scared of being fake and bi.
     
    #3 sporn, Apr 23, 2015
  4. RedLynx

    RedLynx
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    Who says gay people shouldn't play unusual musical instruments? It's your talent and there's nothing wrong with it. I, on the other hand was afraid of being gay and was living as a bi until I realized I shouldn't be scared at all.
     
    #4 RedLynx, Apr 23, 2015
  5. Emily1

    Emily1
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    First of all, there is nothing wrong with being unsure about your sexuality. Second of all, the only thing that determines your sexuality is who you are attracted to. If you only like girls, you're a lesbian. There is no need to be masculine or refrain from playing certain instruments. You need to learn to let go of stereotypes and just let yourself be.
     
    #5 Emily1, Apr 23, 2015
  6. MattisStuck

    MattisStuck
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    I hope you aren't giving your "piano" shit for being a harpsichord. Because if you play harpsichord that's flipping awesome. Or harp, because that would be awesome too. I'm thinking along the lines of string instruments... You don't have to tell if you don't want. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #6 MattisStuck, Apr 23, 2015
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