Thinking about the future gives me anxiety

Not in general, really. Let me explain.

I have hopes and dreams just like everybody, and most of the time I really enjoy thinking about the future, and planning out what I'm going to do, and daydreaming about how awesome it's going to be. Like I spend a huge amount of time thinking about all of my plans, whether it's as soon as next month or next school year or 5 to 10 years in the future. I know what I want to do, how I want to do it, and it's exciting.

But somehow, even though all of these plans are very real, I don't really apply them to reality. Lately, I've been struggling with my identity. I've accepted my sexuality long ago, and I'm pretty much out and proud to everyone. But gender identity is a whole lot harder. Logically, I've come to terms with the fact that I am most likely gender fluid, but I have some sort of mental block on actually saying that I am even to myself and actually thinking about my future with that in mind.

Like even there, all I said was "I am most likely gender fluid." I have not yet been able to even definitely say to myself what my identity is, and it worries me. When I think about the future, and what being gender fluid would mean, part of me shuts down and tries to block it out entirely.

Just today, I was talking to my parents and some friends and we started talking about hair. Right now, my hair is long, and mostly I've wanted to keep it that way, but lately I've started thinking about getting a pixie cut, for one because it would be a whole lot easier to take care of and for two because it would help me feel more fluid. But as soon as that thought entered my mind, a part of my brain started panicking. It's like I don't even want to think about taking steps forward in any sort of direction, and when I do try to think about it I just get incredibly anxious.

Part of the thing with the haircut is that one of my best friends just recently got a pixie cut. Before she did, I was still in the mindset of "I would never want that" because I do like my long hair most of the time. But it's just coincidentally that I only started thinking about getting a short haircut now that she has, and even though I know that my reasons have absolutely nothing to do with her, every time I think about it part of me gets extremely guilty because I feel like I'm "copying" her and I feel like if I mentioned wanting a short haircut she would think the same thing.

At this point I'm just rambling, but does anyone else feel the same way? Like you enjoy thinking about the future and planning out your hopes and dreams, but when you start to actually apply that to some sort of reality and realize that there's something that might completely change all of that, you kind of shut down and do your best to not even think about it at all? This has been bothering me for a while because I'm in constant turmoil. Half of me wants to accept my gender identity and apply it to my life, but half of me starts to get panicky even as I type this sentence and would rather just not deal with any sort of facts ever and not think about anything that I will ever need to confront. Even as I've been typing this, I've felt anxious and panicky because just putting this idea down is forcing myself to confront something in some way. And it's odd, because I almost never feel like this. When I realized I was bi, I accepted it almost instantly and I've never had trouble accepting anything about myself or any serious self-esteem problems. I'm sorry for rambling, but honestly I just need somebody to reassure me somehow or even somebody just saying that they feel the same way sometimes, because part of me feels like I'm going crazy. I just need someone to reach out and help me.