I am writing this on my mobile phone. I have tried to write this post a million times. But it always ended up lasting years and then my sister took the pc for herself and logged in on League of Legends and for that apparently she has to close my browser. Fuck her. And she plays LOL like 5 or 6 times a day when she's not too busy. But now I feel really bad and I dont want her or my brother to see me cry like I'm doing right now, so I NEED to finally write this. I'll try to write this in a good, understeandable english. I am a very messed up person. I am only 17 and I am currently seriously worrying about my memory. Every day I have problems to articulate words. For some reason I keep changing the h's for f's and viceversa. I keep mixing verbal times in both languages, though I really think about them before saying the sentence. I can't remember any song in any language. The words always mess with my tongue and end up sounding like something that a deaf person would say. It happens the most with rap songs. God, it's awful when I try to cover a rap song. And I pretend to learn a lot of languages and be a singer? I've got a good voice but I cannot remember any full song unless it's very very very easy and slow. It's been two years since I first remember of noticing these things. But lately it's been getting worse. And that is just a little part of my messed up head. My gender. My fucking gender. What is it? I consider myself a woman, but then... then I want to act manly... but that is... just ACT. In an artistic way, I guess. Does it even make sense? Does it make sense when I cannot see women as something worse than men? Like, if we were something less worth of everything(love, respect, etc). It's weird. I know it's wrong. And dont let me start with the worst part. When I am about to sleep and in complete silence I hear things. Things that are obviously in my head. The sound that a bus does when it starts going. The sound of smacks(where smacks means golpes... dont know if thats re right translation). Every kind of smack. Or music. It's horrible. I vet very scared and can't sleep for a while. I am only telling you this in order to explain... so I won't keep talking about the subject. I dont want to live in this head my whole life. I want to live in a happier, safer one. But I cannot afford one. Because private medicine is very expensive and in public hospitals they only have psychologists at the morning and that means I have to miss one out of five days of school and I cannot do that, and social health help(that is the best translation I could make of obra social which is like having a private medicine system but for a very cheaper amount of money because you are a legal worker) psychologists just suck and none of them have helped me in any ocassion I went to see one. What can I do?
You could try a few things: - nutrition: healthy nutrition, with fruits and vegetables, in a healthy variety. Possibly organic. You could try to trust your intuition. If you do not like something, you might avoid it, if your body craves certain fruit etc you might try a bit more of it. All within reason, of course not talking cakes all of the time but simply for example fruit which might contain certain vitamins etc. You might cut on higs sugar drinks, and try a good water, etc... - a bit of regular exercise, a few minutes a day... a few situps, or walking... - you could try to avoid heavy food up to two hours before going to bed... maybe having a snack of some cereal before sleeping, or some warm milk with some honey (unless allergic)... you could try no or less electronics or electrical appliances if possible within 2m of the bed... some people are electrosensitive... if you feel like it you might even change the place of the bed a bit to where it feels more comfortable for you... Well you might try a psychologist regardless of the hours... maybe you could slip in there during a break, miss one hour of school and be back then... maybe you could find one you can trust... there should be some good people amongst them... and maybe there are psychologists at other places, too... maybe there might be some counseling at an lgbt center... "My fucking gender. What is it? I consider myself a woman, but then... then I want to act manly... but that is... just ACT. In an artistic way, I guess. Does it even make sense? Does it make sense when I cannot see women as something worse than men? Like, if we were something less worth of everything(love, respect, etc). It's weird. I know it's wrong." You could look up the genderbread person. Gender identity, gender expression, and sexual attraction are different things. One question could be: would you be more happy with a more male body ? And how would you like to be perceived ? As you describe it, you are happy bodywise. But you would like to try some more male clothing etc. Thats gender expression, and its perfectly ok if you lean more to one side one day and more to another on other days. You might for example try some unisex trousers... etc... second hand shops could be a good source. I can't advise on how far this would lead to opposition in your place... maybe you could do a few things that are not too noticeable. You could look up chapstick lesbian or boi as example. And its perfectly ok to not adhere to strict gender roles. People are becoming more and more versatile, women becoming more self sufficient etc. Men showing emotions... etc... And people should be equal. Imo its no use to pick on each other.. everyone has some advantages others can learn from... have a *hug*
Hello. First of all, thank you for your replay. (*hug*) "And how would you like to be perceived ? As you describe it, you are happy bodywise." Yes, I am pretty happy with my body. Yet I would like it to be more androgynous. That would be, smaller breasts, less flesh in general(I actually have a weight problem... whoops, should fix that first), also straight dark hair instead of curly-fuzzy-frizzy-blonde-girly-girl hair would be good. How would I like to be perceived? That is what I don't know. I don't think I would have a problem with being treated like a guy, with male pronouns. But still I don't want to identify as fluent or something like that. I don't know if that's how gender works. What does gender end up meaning or being? What is its function? I said I would like a more androgynous body because I always wanted to have the freedom of putting male clothes on and that it fits me and looking good on them. Also, making people on the street being confuse about wheter I am a girl or a boy sounds very fun I would not be willing to have a breast operation, though. I like 'em to be honest :icon_wink Yeah, I had known the genderbread person about two months ago. I don't know what to comment about it... I really have to go to sleep right now. If I come up with something, I will replay a second time. Again thank you for your replay and thank you for all the tips you gave me.
Hi, hispanicninja. First, have a hug (*hug*) I hope it doesn't come off as insensitive, but what do you think of yourself? I want to compliment you on one thing, although I think, unfortunately, this might be related to some of your issues. You're quite deep for a seventeen-year-old. Rather than asking what gender identity you're synchronized with, you ask what is gender itself. I am no psychologist, but I think that your leaning to reflecting heavily on details etc. might be part of some obsession/anxiety issue. You seem to stress about that you stress. For example when you say you stress about hearing noises that your head is full of because you can't order it to relax, take a break, and then you stress about that you stress about it by coming here to talk about it. I entirely agree with that that is the worst part. I think you need real help with this, whether that be from a psychologist or something else. And don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong with you. This just seems to be a major cog in the wheel for you and your happiness. You seem really angry at your sister. Do you have anyone to talk to? You seem to be stuck in an evil circle. How is your everyday life, except for the above? I think your gender stuff might be important to you, but I think you should prioritize your other issues right now. 'Cause you really don't seem to be in a nice place. Hope that's not entirely worthless. At least it's better for you to cry than to bottle it up. Write more questions if you have them. Take care ---------- Post added 4th May 2015 at 08:49 PM ---------- Hi, hispanicninja. First, have a hug (*hug*) I hope it doesn't come off as insensitive, but what do you think of yourself? I want to compliment you on one thing, although I think, unfortunately, this might be related to some of your issues. You're quite deep for a seventeen-year-old. Rather than asking what gender identity you're synchronized with, you ask what is gender itself. I am no psychologist, but I think that your leaning to reflecting heavily on details etc. might be part of some obsession/anxiety issue. You seem to stress about that you stress. For example when you say you stress about hearing noises that your head is full of because you can't order it to relax, take a break, and then you stress about that you stress about it by coming here to talk about it. I entirely agree with that that is the worst part. I think you need real help with this, whether that be from a psychologist or something else. And don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong with you. This just seems to be a major cog in the wheel for you and your happiness. You seem really angry at your sister. Do you have anyone to talk to? You seem to be stuck in an evil circle. How is your everyday life, except for the above? I think your gender stuff might be important to you, but I think you should prioritize your other issues right now. 'Cause you really don't seem to be in a nice place. Hope that's not entirely worthless. At least it's better for you to cry than to bottle it up. Write more questions if you have them. Take care
Hello to all (*hug*) I feel a little better now. "I hope it doesn't come off as insensitive, but what do you think of yourself?" This question has always seemed self-centered, hence I don't like it. I don't know how to answer it anyway. There is one thing that always happens: I see the people at the school and in the streets and they seem so happy and smiling the whole time and confident and sure of what they are and tkink, and then there's this girl(me) who is unhappy and is always shivering for no reason and looking down and isn't very sure what a girl/a woman is and hence isn't very sure if she herself is one, but isn't either very sure what a boy/man is. And she also doesn't want to be something in the middle because she thinks it would be too complicated to explain. Oh and she's fat and fat and fat and she is the fattest girl at school. She's not ugly but she's fat and for that reason she always seems ugly in the pictures. Oh and she's dumb. She can't get an A in most subjects even if she had been the whole week studying her ass off. And in classes she always asks the most stupid things. Once in History class she asked from what pary was this socialist senator and the teacher said obviously "from the socialist party" and she felt so stupid. And that wouldn't be too bad if it weren't for the fact that she wants to be a History Major. Her face looks very boyish for some reason. She is capable of embracing a terrifying amount of hate for herself and for everything around her, and she knows the feeling of trying to asesinate a person and having the actual possibility to do it. She is not normal in any way. She should study more(way more if she wants to top his class mates who seem to be genious) and spend less time in the pc. I think that pretty much sums the question up. I don't remember exactly how I wrote the first message and reading it again would make feel very ashamed. I have the idea that I sounded like in needing of help. Someone to talk to? I've got a friend at school who is a trans guy(not entirely out to society though) so in terms of gender he is very comprehensive. But he has his own problems. Once I told him I had a dream in which I was wearing a tuxedo and that I felt really good but didn't know what that meant, and he answered that that girl(I told him the story as a "there's this girl who...", I didn't tell him that I had had the dream) has dysphoria and is a trans* guy like himself. I decided not to tell him more about it. So, no I don't have anyone to talk to about some topics. I am angry at my sister because she plays that stupid game and Pokemon the whole day and when I want to talk to her when I come back from a long day of school she just can't hear me. And the pc is on my room, so she is just there and I try to tell her something and she says "I can't hear you and I don't care". She is so rude sometimes. "You seem to be stuck in an evil circle. How is your everyday life, except for the above?" My everyday life is something any doctor would so NOT recommend(has that sentence sense?). I wake up at 6 AM, reach the bus at 6:45 or so, arrive at school at 7:30, not eating because the school system in my city sucks and doesn't consider that I am in a high-demand course in which I have to be in class until late, come home from 3:30 PM to 6:00 PM depending on the day, having a lot of homework and things to study but doing less than the half of all because my head needs to be in things that require less brain activity, having an afternoon snack, cooking dinner which I eat with my sister because both my mother and father work at night, trying to do a little more of homework or studying, sleeping 4-5 hours and repeat. Tuesday and Friday I do one hour of Pilates and I love it. On weekends I sleep until late and try to do more homework. I don't use to go out because apparently my parents are the poorest people on the planet and never have money for taking me anywhere. That is almost ridiculous because they work the whole day. Their bosses must be the worst people ever. It makes me so angry. I don't like going dancing(to clubs I mean). The enviroment makes me feel uncomfortable. Also, I'm not actually atractive for that kind of places. The girls are expected to be all thin and dumb and to dance to awful music and the boys are all just so ugly and stupid there. I think you know that places. Sorry for enlarging so much on my post. Right now I feel that I should be standing, that I should be doing a million of other things more than to be writing this(that I'm sure is having a lot of grammar errors. Sorry, I'm not used to communicate in english, especially for messages of this lenght). I'm listening to classical music right now. Usually it makes me sleepy but now it's just making me deppresed. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I think I'm so ugly. And I think that I will never be able to go to an elegant party and wear a suit or a tuxedo or a dress or kiss a man in a suit or kiss a woman in a dress or listen to classical music being played live because I'm poor and ugly. Well, I'm not ugly. I don't believe in uglyness. But let's admit it, there are people way cuter than me. (Yep, this is the point in which I don't care if the words I'm writing exist or make sense even). Triflow, thanks again for caring (*hug*) The day I read your message was one of the worst. The next day I had a Chemistry test in which I did soooo bad. I tried to sleep listening to classical music on the afternoon so I could study all night long. I couldn't so I started crying and I punched myself in the face with all my strenght and it hurted so bad. And when I got up I yelled at my sister when she came to my room to play LOL. I wanted her to leave. The point is this: I already have too much problems and since I had the dream of the suit, my gender is another problem. And it's not a light problem. And now I've been writing this the whole afternoon and it's 8:30 PM. I spent a whole afternoon of study for my fucking problems. And you know the worst part? I am mad right now and when I am mad for some reason I imagine myself as a boy. WHY CAN'T I BE THE NORMAL GIRL I WAS BEFORE? WHY ARE THESE THINGS HAPPENING TO ME? My question is still this: What is a man and what is a woman? Probably gonna shot myself right now if I find a gun. Goodbye.
That sucks, that really sucks. First, don't hurt yourself. School is stressful, hell life is stressful, but if you're feeling really bad, call a help hotline, talk to us here, talk to a friend, anything. Second, my recommendation stands. Find a psychologist or conselor, someone you can talk to regularly to get all of that badness, that confusing shit out of your head to breathe for a while. And a psychologist could possibly help to refer you onto someone who is an expert in diet/exercise and weight loss etc., if you want to and if you think that would make you feel better. You seem to be suffering from stress. You can try to identify what factors stress you the most atm, e.g. "that f*cking essay..." etc., and eliminate some of them. Your mental health (as in feeling good inside) is more important than grades or almost anything else. You also seem to be feeling kind of stuck in your everyday life, is that correct? You say 'repeat' etc., like you're just doing it because you have to? If you alleviate some stress you might find it easier to do more of the things you like doing such as pilates, which could make your day more interesting and enjoyable. We all need to have some fun every day. I imagined myself as a girl (physically) yesterday, very strongly... It might be that you are trans* somehow... but remember, as I was reminded only yesterday myself, it's your feelings that matter the most, not labels. Stay safe. And talk to us, about anything you want, and don't apologize, we're here for you <3 hugs (*hug*)
Hello. Triflow, I haven't read your last post yet. I should have written this yesterday night. I'm sorry for reacting that way. I don't know what is wrong. I'm sorry if I scared anyone. There are no guns in my house, none of us know how to use one either. It's not actually common for civils to have guns in my country. I'm going to proceed to read your message now. Ok. First of all, thank you (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) Thing is this: I don't want to be trans*. I have never felt identified with that label. This only seems temporary. Maybe it's just that I am in a horrible moment with my self steem and somehow I relate it to the trans* topic. Sooner this year I could look at myself in the mirror and say I was a pretty girl but that doesn't happen anymore. I don't know anymore. Tomorrow I've got a Physics test and I am pretty sure I won't pass.
It's good to know you won't hurt yourself like that. If you don't identify with it you don't and that's that : ) It could be that you would just like to dress up a bit more like a guy etc.? Might feel good with your self-esteem. Remember it's not the end of the world to fail an exam : ) hugs
Hello to all :smilewave just a lil' message saying a couple of things first of all I moved this thread(if we can call it that way) to another named Something(different) Happened Today. It's way more positive than this one for sure :lol: I still have my doubts and insecurities on this trans/masculinity/idkwhatitis subject and I will open a new thread on the gender identity and expression forum and of course I will talk to my freind again(I'm sure he knows and can tell me well how does it feel to be a trans*) and again thank you thank you thank you for your replays, you are very nice p.s.: Triflow, you opened once a thread describing a game in which you can tailor a new body, just wanted to tell you that I copied the rules from your first post and tried to make it. For some reason I couldn't go farest(does that word exist?) that the face shape :rolle: It's more difficult than I thought actually (*hug*)
