Alone and afraid

Finally something I can relate to... I'm 25, living with my father, only one person knows my orientation (though he's also bi), and maybe I'm moving out in the near future.

The best thing you can do is identifying your fears and hang-ups, then dealing with them gradually. I'm also in that process, and by setting the goals for myself, I have something important to fight for, and I have the hope to be better than now in a number of aspects of my life.
The worst thing you can do is doing nothing. You already know that your present state won't get you far in socializing, and that's the first step. Willing to do something to change it is the second. Doing it is the third. So all I can say is

1. Identify your problems
2. Set your goals
3. Make a plan for your goals
4. Execute them

It won't be easy, but it will be worth the effort. Maybe you can also find a psychologist or therapy group. Use anything and everything that can help you reaching your goals. Good luck!

 

I have been through that many times, but sooner or later one has to break the cycle, or nothing will change. I was against the idea of seeking professional help, but I realized I had to. The waiting list was too long for the university psychologist, but a few months later they offered me to take part in a stress-management and confidence-development training. I had to talk about my own shitty issues before ~10 people, talking to strangers, so it was way out of my comfort zone. But it helped in a way that now I'm not as ashamed of my problems as before, I can talk about them to other people, and even if just a bit, but I give less fucks about what they think of me or how they see me.

There's a certain social stigma of those who have issues with socializing, so no wonder it's hard to take the first steps in bringing these to the light. But I know now that every time I chickened out and slipped back into the cycle, I prolonged my own misery.

Maybe you fear that once they realize you are not the strong and reliable person who they can ask for advice, they will cease to seek your company or they will hate you. I understand your concern, but what do you think, how long can you keep up the pretending? Wouldn't it be great if you had real confidence behind the face you show to the world? It's YOU that matters, it's YOU who you have to live for in the first place, because that's the only way you can have a great life. Also, helping others will be much more easier when your life is on the right track.

Promise yourself you'll seek professional help, you owe that to yourself.

 

First of all Kane150, well done in creating this thread and writing about your feelings. When you have been bottling so much up and struggling to find an outlet, it's really good that you have finally settled down (in front of your computer) to say how you really feel. I hope it's helped in some small way. So often, we think it's only possible to release our feelings by talking, but for some people, the written word is a very positive way to get things out in the open.

Coming out to your friend was an emotional release, but if you have suppressed these feelings for a long time it probably felt like an uncontrolled way of going about it. Maybe it's that uncontrolled feeling that is harder to cope with. What do you think? In the same way, the shyness and fear is uncontrolled and when we find ourselves in a position where we cannot manage our feelings it gets really stressful.

Can I encourage you to take a step back and try to turn the negatives into positives? For example, coming out to your [only] friend was a risk for you, but the risk paid off. The world didn't stop turning and he didn't reject you, in fact, he has really tried to help and support. Another example -- you have a new job and you will be moving out of the family home soon. With freedom, comes opportunity.. the opportunity for self discovery and the space to be yourself without any fear of being discovered or found out. Far from being stifling, it can be liberating.

It's very easy to view problems like a messy ball of wool, with no beginning or end and if you have nobody to share it with you'll continue to search for that beginning/end in vain.

Now that you've created this thread and started the process of sharing your feelings keep at it. You have a safe and secure place to talk about your real thoughts and feelings now, so use it well and use it often, if you need to.

Feel free to send me a private message if you would like to "talk" in more detail.

You can overcome this and find happiness.

 

When you say, "I'm afraid I will just stay the same", do you mean it as an affirmative statement of what will happen, or are you suggesting that it might happen? I'm sure you recognise the distinct difference in meaning. On the one hand you would be closing the door on any possibility of movement, but on the other hand you would be leaving it open and at least considering the idea.

Just wondering where you stand?

This is why I used the analogy of the ball of wool. If you are trying to find a way forward on your own, it can seem like an impossible task, but if you are brave enough to ask for help and support you can begin to see a chink of light.

I really think it would be benificial to you to consider counselling/therapy. It's a thought that may scare you and I won't pretend it's easy, but have you ever heard the expression "feel the fear and do it anyway"? Sometimes in life we have to grit our teeth and push through the barrier to gain the benefit. Just think about your new job... how easy would it have been to have closed your mind to the idea and opportunity of new employment? I'm sure you had to confront the fear of applying and being interviewed... but you did it anyway.

Staying open minded and pushing on can be difficult, but that's how we get the rewards in life.

Your friend is trying to help you and I wonder if it might be good to have him support you with making appointment and visiting a counsellor or therapist. Just having someone to back you up as you attend the first sessions could make a difference. Do you think he would do that for you?

Things to consider.