Hello everyone, I have been scrolling through this forum for quite some time without registering. It's so great to see a place like this filled with so many good hearted people. So I figured I could borrow some of your time with my situation. Bottom line is I'm 24, out for time, but I never had sex with a guy, and I just don't know how to break the loneliness anymore. I know I'm not super sexy, but I didn't think I was that ugly... :help: If you're interested, here's the whole story. A few years ago I fell deeply in love with my straigth best friend, while in the closet with no gay experience whatsoever. Classic scenario: shame, self-hatred, fear of losing everything, depression, suicidal thoughts, and the ridiculous tiny hope that maybe, someday, something will happen. A scenario far from reality, that had virtually no chance of actually happening, but which gave me sleepless nights and in which I got stuck for a good three years. I eventually told him, and told everyone. I came out, 2 years ago. Nothing happened and we almost no longer talk. It's an old story now. That was tough, but everyone understood, showed support. I made new gay friends. At the time, however harsh that situation was, I was full of hope. I thought that, you know, it was finally getting better. Marginally, it did: I'm out, and have no shame of my sexual orientation. BUT. Back then, I kinda thought the sentimental and sexual frustration wouldn't take long to go away. That, you know, guys would find interest in me, I'd find interest in them, stuff would happen quite naturally. It didn't. So now I'm stuck. I've met lots of gay guys, friends of friends and stuff, went to gay clubs, parties, expressed interest... I overcame my shyness big way because I was hopefull : wrote notes to waiters, joined ******, ******, [edit: the gay apps ] you name it, even met a couple of people that way. I even made out with a couple of strangers on drunken occasions. Which was great, and the closest i've came to a gay sexual experience. Never went all the way though. So now I feel like shit. I always wake up in an empty bed, however hard I try. I now have a very gay life, except I have absolutely no gay experience. It is very hard on my ego, and I'm trying to change everything about me so that someone will find me attractive (I am very skinny, which I think is one of the biggest problems). Every time I get rejected is worst than the previous one. Months after months, years after years, I feel like it's meant to keep going that way. I am so afraid I wake up one day and my youth is gone and I'm still stuck on square one, alone. Recently, I've been thinking about maybe dropping all the romantic stuff about having a first time with the right person in a safe environment, and at least get the "first time" obstacle out of the way. Like maybe go to a place with no ambiguity like a sauna, or take on the invite of one of the "right now" guys on the apps. But then I'm still afraid I will still get rejected, which would be devastating and humiliating. Even if something would happen that way, I'm not sure I would feel good about myself afterwards. Also, I kinda think it's not fair of me not to tell the other person I'm not experienced, but then being a gay-virgin (not to say an a**-virgin...) seems to be such a turn-off. ANYWAY. So sorry about the long self-centered monologue é_è... And thank you so much if you took the time to read me. If you have any input, or any idea how I could un-stuck the situation, I would be so very grateful, as I am losing hope by the minute..... :help: (*hug*) [Edit : one last thing... I've read the story of people here who came out "later in life" (though I don't know if that applies to me at 24). They kinda gave me great comfort... But at the same time, I just don't know how you guys/girls actually do to transform the "accepting who you are" into "actually living according to your identity along with other people". I just don't know]
