Trying to go to sleep ended with a full blown anxiety attack. I don't get them often, but fuck am I having one now. I have no fucking idea of where I'm heading or what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I'm trying to imagine where I'll end up and all I can see is shit and sad endings. I've no future. Nothing. All I can do is sit here and rot like a pile of garbage. I miss my beautiful son, but I've no right to because it was my mistakes and shitty parenting that led me to a situation where I miss him so. I can't take being trapped in this house any more with people who are supposed to help me and support me but end up being nothing more than obstacles and more weight for me to carry. I'm a waste of human skin and I just want it to go away. I just want to slam my head into the wall until it all goes away. I just want to go to sleep and hopefully never wake up again.
Aw it will be OK You're an awesome unique person! Just try not to think about stuff like that as much as you can if it makes you have anxiety.
You are not a waste of anything. You are a wonderful person, and can do so much. I know that you are intelligent. Please stop berating yourself - you'll only make yourself feel bad.
You will find your place, though it might take time. Don't give up. Don't you and your ex share custody? You should have a right to see your son. Has that been ruled against somehow? Don't you see him part-time? Or is the blow of not seeing him full-time? I don't believe you are a bad parent. Don't be so harsh on yourself. Parenting is a lot of work also, and between an obviously very insecure working/career time and your dysphoria, you can't be 100% for your son all the time. I think he misses you too. You'll get out of there. Hang on. It seems you cannot rely much on them to help you in this. It's not forever, you'll be out of there. If you're a waste of human skin than I certainly am and most people I can think of. You're a great person, you'll get through this too. Don't even think like that. Last time it felt too much for me, I walked right awat from civilization and justcried. Cry, scream, but don't hurt yourself. Don't.
We've had this talk before, hon, so I won't repeat it. However... If you deny the world your awesome, I might cry. And when I cry, the world is awfully tempting to want to burn. <3 you.
Me and my ex get along fine and she wouldn't stop me from seeing my son. He is, however, very far away and I'm not sure I could handle seeing him. The guilt tears at me every day. But thank you, I will try--and most likely fail--to remember your words next time this happens. Burning the world just cause you'd miss me. How romantic.
Ugh, it's happening again. The average waiting time for an apartment around here is six years. Six fucking years with my parents. Even if I can somehow cut it short, that's years. I'm gonna have to tell them at this point and if they don't take it well I have to suffer through it for years. It would literally, not figuratively, kill me. It really would.
